@Rose34All that masking and 'trying to fit in' is so exhausting! I still do it to a certain extent but it's more just trying to be more positive around people that i'm not that close to because I no longer have any expectations that trying any harder will ever have any real benefit. If I feel like it's someone that may be more receptive, then I will open up a little bit more and see how that goes. I've just found getting rid of that expectation and just being friendly around other people, just to be friendly, has helped me because i'm not continually disappointed when I don't hear back or feel ignored or left out. I just think 'fair enough, I'll keep things like this then.' that's not to say I'm still not frustrated though.
I think some of us just don't have those big personalities that tend to attract people, even if that attraction can often be very superficial. Maybe that's just me being a bit bitter, but I've known people like that and some of the were genuinely good people, but quite a few of them were just annoying if you looked more than surface deep... but they are usually very popular. I like to think i'm just more choosy and look for a bit more 'substance' in people I want to be around. It can sometimes be hard to find people like that because they're probably keeping to themselves as well, equally frustrated with trying to find good friends. This is what I tell myself anyway. Whether it's fair, denial on my part, or just me being resentful... i guess it's open to interpretation.
I used to think the exact same as you did with the masking, in that it was what every did. It must have been when I was around 40 that I started to think it was more that other people just didn't care anywhere near as much as I did what other people thought of them... they just had the self confidence to brute force their way into friendships. Of course being more outgoing doesn't hurt, as does the fact that more outgoing people will assume they will be friends with everyone so they try with everyone they meet... so statistically they will end up with more successes than more introverted people. This is all pure theory on my part as I said, but it makes sense to me.
I still don't think there is anything wrong with that 'honeymood period' in a friendship as you put it. That seems absolutely and makes perfect sense to me. But I think now I do feel like i let a little more out that I should too early on. I feel like I've kept this stuff in for so long, that when I do start to (or intend to) let just a little bit out, I worry that I lose control a bit and go a bit too far. I'm still not sure if this is the case. Obviously sharing anything with someone still feels like too much to me as I'm so used to sharing nothing, so I still find all this very difficult to gauge.
I wonder if it's that holding things in that people don't like. Like they feel like we aren't being open with them, therefore we don't trust them so they don't want to trust us. Even if we share just a little, do other feel like it's not enough to develop a stronger connection. I try to figure this out as i'm talking to people and then those doubts creep in and I probably subconsciously go back to old habits because I don't know what people are thinking of me, assume the worst, or close to it, and another opportunity is missed.
I am starting to feel that that psychologist may have a point that I overthink things. Bit i still think that I have to, because none of this comes naturally to me.. talking to people, being relaxed around them, reading them, and especially know what they want from me. It's all effort and it's exhausting! If I seem arrogant or disinterested... tell me! Don't just write me off, because I trying really hard here to make this work!
When I discovered attachment styles about 3 months ago, I tried to find somewhere that could help me with it. I've had 2 appointments so far so I really hope I can get some insights soon that may help me start to understand this whole "socializing" better. It's better late than never I hope.
I hope you do manage to get some good amount of work done today at the library. I know it's so hard for you with everything going on right now, but obviously getting that thesis in will be a huge load off of you, so if you can find a way to get that done, it would help you start to get everything else sorted out and start to feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's such a pity they only added 6 months to the deadline due to covid, I think the disruptions lasted quite a bit longer than that with everything that was happening at the time. I sincerely hope you can get this done, not only because it's such a lot of time and work on the line, but because you've had to deal with so much to get this far. It's so sad the society doesn't seem to allow much leeway for people struggling with mental health, which in turn just compounds the problem. Sorry, I didn't realise just how long I've ranted on! We're here to listen if you need it.
