I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 texture, anti-small talk, hmm yep those feel familiar! Obvs the actual DSM criteria are more specific but like, most of my friends are autistic and these are the things we tend to bond over. 

Hmm I mean, I guess I get that re influencing results... however for me, I have heard too many experiences of folks getting faffed about because it's not well understood. Particularly in women, because autism often shows up differently for uterine-bodied folk. Also, when we've been conditioned into masking our whole lives (e.g. forced eye contact because otherwise it's 'rude', learning how to do small-talk, learning to just tolerate sensory sensitivities cos 'everyone else seems ok'... there's more too) and that goes doubly so for women because of the whole... toxic patriarchy thing. 

Since it's a very widely misunderstood experience, I have been looking into the DSM criteria and trying to figure out which bits fit me and which bits don't. For instance there's one that's like, need for sameness/inflexibility and this one got me cos of my ADHD - which means I crave novelty. But it's not necessarily 'everything needs to be the same all the time', it's stuff like losing it over eggs not peeling (unexpected frustration), or finding it hard to move from one task or place to another (like me, stuck in my car after arriving home, just sitting there tryna find the will to go into the house), or finding it incredibly distressing when someone up and changes plans on me. 

Book recommendation - Autism Unmasked. 

It's a journey, and it's your journey, so do what feels best 😊

Aww bless. That means the world to me hun 💜

[Captain24]

I just wanna say I just took my meds with no hesitation! @Jynx 

I could have a look and just see. Maybe to prepare myself if it does come out that way. Not real sure how I feel about it. To me autism is a disability. I may need some support with it if it does happen. Maybe a lot. I have a few weeks before I get reassessed. I’m just going to keep dropping these meds and just deal with the withdrawals so I can get done. 

I hate eye contact and I have to try really hard and I think I go too far to compensate. But then I’ll just find myself randomly staring at people. 

Im sensitive to noise and too much stimulation. I crash badly after social interactions or things that are to stimulating. 

I need things to be the same. I struggle so much if things change. Like look at yesterday. Mum planned going to nans husbands house right when I was suppose to be bathing the dogs. It threw me into a massive tail spin. That you unfortunately had to see and help with. (Sorry and thanks heaps)

I get the car thing. I sit in my garage too and when I get to work I sit. I don’t do well

I do care about you.. I dont want you to think this is all one sided. You mean heaps to me too and I want to see you happy

[Jynx]

It is considered a disability for stuff like NDIS @Captain24 and well... if you prescribe to the Social Model of Disability then having a disability is just like being left handed - nothing inherently wrong with us, the issue is with how society treats us.

The social model "views disability not as an individual's impairment, but as a result of societal barriers and attitudes that prevent full participation. It emphasises removing these barriers to create an inclusive environment where people with impairments can participate fully and equally. This model contrasts with the medical model, which focuses on individual impairments as the source of disability.". Just from Google.

TBH those all sound like autistic experiences to me!! 

Haha we can totally chat on it further tomorrow if you want. And I really appreciate that, but for the record it has never felt one-sided to me. There's a power differential from our roles as worker and member, but that doesn't mean that the connection is anything but genuine. If I didn't enjoy our chats, we wouldn't be having them! 

Many hugs, nighty night!!

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx 

I have a cousin with Cerebel palsy and that’s what my mind goes to with disability.  I taught dancing to special needs kids.. that’s my experience with disability. 

So maybe all my social phobia isn’t what I thought. 

Anyway.. have a good night. Don’t stay up too late gaming!

[Jynx]

One of the things I also like about the social model is that it holds that folks with special needs can and should be able to lead meaningful lives, and empowered to do so by those around them, rather than being seen as charity cases that drain social resources. I think of that quote, "If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." The same can be said of society I think, @Captain24 

Haha I will try not to!! No promises tho 😝

[Captain24]

I tried reversing my day and instead of having an afternoon nap I let myself sleep in. Now there is no energy or motivation to go food shopping of do food prep. Or to clean. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea. Maybe I just need to reward myself after I do stuff not look after myself first. 

I guess I just can’t get anything right. I’m such a loser and so useless. I feel like a failure. I am a failure. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 it can be lots of trial and error trying to figure out what works best for us... and then something could work great one day - you could wake up from sleeping in and feel great and energized for the day - but then another day it might not be the same and you wake up feeling sluggish and unmotivated after a sleep in. All that is to say that taking care of ourselves isn't easy and it isn't always straightforward. You're not stupid for trying something that you thought might be helpful.

[Captain24]

I now have to push myself even harder than normal. @Ru-bee. It’s hard as I have to go to work tomorrow and need to be organised. I feel like I need to earn my downtime and this shows that I do. I guess I tried but it was a stupid day to try. I just have to think, only 4 more shifts and then I’m off for a month. 

[Ru-bee]

Hmm I wonder if it's that you need to earn to your downtime, or if maybe things just work a little better for you if you get your tasks out of the way first @Captain24 

I feel like that's the gist of it, but I think that thought of needing to earn something that we all need can become a bit tricky.

What's the first task on the agenda for today?

[Captain24]

I’ve just been grocery shopping @Ru-bee. Heaps of people so I avoided eye contact so I didn’t have to talk to anyone. Plus I didn’t dress for the weather. It’s warm in here but outside isn’t even 10 degrees, it’s a feels like if 4 and it’s raining. 

I know have to cook the stir fry and chicken schnitzels. That feels like a mammoth effort. 

I definitely need to do everything of a morning. I’m not coping at all now. I do feel like I need to earn it but I guess that’s one of the mindsets I need to change. 

I did book some accommodation for my little getaway just waiting to hear back from my psych as to whether or not I can book in for the day I want. I’m sure she will as I told her it’ll be face to face. We haven't done that for months. Since the days started getting shorter as it’s 4 hours each way. So it’s a big trip for an hours appointment.