I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m glad you get it @Jynx. I feel less alone. But I still don’t care what happens to me. 

I felt like nothing bad had happened but the more I discuss about my childhood the more I see it wasn’t normal. It was a base for my trauma. I guess no one cared then they way should anyone care now. 

It’s so wrong to say nice stuff. But I can’t accept it from anyone else either. I did discuss today the self hatred that I have for myself and how deeply ingrained it is. Hence the saying nice stuff. 

I don’t see that my brain has a happy part. Sorry It’s really hard. I’m sorry I have unloaded so much I said I wouldn’t anymore. 

Uuummm.. my mind boggles!! Well it’s going places.. interesting places.. 

Oh.. now I want to see all photos! 😜 

You make me laugh… 

[Jynx]

It's pretty intense as a process hey @Captain24 - uncovering all the ways our 'totally normal childhoods' were in fact, quite unstable and super traumatising. My psych calls it 're-lensing', where we go back and see our past anew. It's a pathway to self-forgiveness too, it's just really rough at the start. 

It's okay that you don't see it yet. Doesn't mean it's not there. But you know that part of you that enjoys making people smile? The part of you that relishes in watching Pix and Jett frolic? The part of you that proudly shows off her latest Lego creation? That's your happy part - or moreso, that's you shining through all the fog of trauma. 

Oh wow... the time how she flies!! I will err... make no promises of photos hahaha but we shall see 😋 Night hun! 💜

[Captain24]

It’s horrible. Life’s horrible @Jynx Why are people so cruel? 

I don’t know that I make people smile… I do enjoy seeing Pix and Jett be wild. I don’t enjoy Jett dragging my dirty underwear around though.. I haven’t even done any Lego lately. I haven’t done any arty stuff. I just don’t have it in me. 

Photos interest me!! 

I hope you have a goodnight. Talk tomorrow. 

Thank you for making me feel safe on here. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 allo!

Well obviously you make people smile because I am a people! You make me smile!

Haha when Jett steals your undies, do you go chasing? Cos that means it's a game!! 

I would have to be careful w photos of my place, I have stuff up like my new birth certificate and photos and bizz... be a bit hard w anonymity. I did most of my dishes though!! I ran out of room in the drying rack lol and I REFUSE to dry up. idk why!

Aww you're so welcome!! Very glad you're feeling more comfy 😊 I know it's probably still not 100% but you're taking steps. Proud!

How's your day anyway?

[Captain24]

Heya @Jynx 

Do I really make you smile? 

He just loves dragging things. But I think k it’s a bit of a game cause every time I chuck ‘em back in my room he gets them again. 

Im nowhere near 100% but I am trying. I do question everything I write. I’m not comfortable being on other threads. I can only post when you and @tyme  are in. I’m not confident enough without you. Which I know is clingy and I’m sorry. 

I do have photos 

 

 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hahaha yes!! You do!! I wish I could prove it...  These don't prove much, do they? 

😁😁😁

Ahaha yep he probably thinks of it as his fav game!! Undie fetch! LOL

Yeah makes sense hun, and pretty much exactly as I said - that it would take time, and we'd start slow, and it might be a bit funky for a while. But it's progress 😊 And yeah nah there's no pressure for you to move beyond what you feel safe and ready for either. 

Oh wow! You did amazingly!! I did take a before photo of my dishes but until I put em away there's no after photo to impress you with. Maybe tonight I will win against these dishes, my greatest foe! teehee

[Captain24]

My old Pdoc in hospital actually said I was funny @Jynx but I don’t see it. 

Thanks for being supportive and understanding and helping guide me. 

I did cheat, I do have a dishwasher!! I always preferred to dry dishes than to wash them. At least they are washed that’s a big start. To me that’s the hardest part! 

Did you get your tyre fixed? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Well luckily you don't have to see it for it to still be true!! Teehee

Aww you're so welcome!! 🥰

Haha yeah hand washing all these dishes was not fun... took me like 2 hours lol. Maybe I don't like drying cos I have crappy tea towels 😅

Not yet... too sleepy today. My partner is gonna come round tomorrow and help me! Cos I don't know jack about cars lol

[Captain24]

Dishes are the pits. @Jynx. That’s a lot of dishes! 

Ahh.. procrastinating??? You do need help though. Cause you need 2 tyres you can’t actually drive a car on only 3 😜 Even if you are a good driver. 

Did you have a late night or was it all the dishes that made you tired? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Here I'll show you what I had to wash last night 

Bit of a funky angle sorry! 

Haha a little bit procrastinating but also my partner had doc appt today so they're helping me tomorrow! Lawd it's gonna need to be towed or something isn't it 😫

Dishes wore me out!! Insomnia kept me up unfortunately. Maybe tonight will be better 😌