I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I know you were being funny @Jynx Sorry I didn’t react properly. 

I just gave them a treat. It’ll keep them busy for a while and stop annoying me. Fresh chicken sounds good. Pix loves it but her tummy doesn’t! 

I got a packet of keens curried sausage sauce and just put it in the cooked sausages. Nothing to hard. I don’t cook. 

Yeah there is @Jynx. I know you wouldn’t but I feel like you would. I don’t think that has come out right. Don’t take it personally it’s just my fucked up head and where my thoughts are. Why would anyone bother with me? Why would anyone waste their time on me? I don’t deserve it. I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I’m just a waste of oxygen. I just don’t want to be here. I desperately want it all to end. 

Sorry that’s a lot. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you can react however you react hun, lol the only 'improper' reaction might be like, to call me an a-hole and spit in my face, that's pretty improper! Besides, if you're having a rough time, you are under no obligation to pretend to be amused when you're not. 

Oooh nah nah my late Step-grandfather was austrian and looooved curries! He was a big fan of Keen's so you're definitely onto something! 

Nah honestly I do get it, it's that part of your brain that has been hurt so many times by people who I am sure, just like me, seemed super awesome and caring. I think it's not that you don't trust me, it's that you don't trust your experiences. So don't worry I haven't taken it personally at all, I'm just here helping you explore like always 💜

It is a lot!! So therefore it must be 100x moreso for you! Do you wanna keep discussing what's happening for ya, or would some distracty chats maybe be the go?

[Captain24]

I’m sorry @Jynx so so sorry. 

I can’t move my thoughts. I really really hate that I’m alive. Hate it. 

I can try distraction but I don’t know. I’m stuck. I need saving from myself 

How is your room going? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 mrrrr I still haven't really started properly! I have not had a lot of energy, I think my dang period is incoming cos I just want to laze about eating chocolate lol 

I think I need to free up two things - time and space. I don't want it lingering so I wanna try to do it all within a day or two. I also need to be able to drag everything out and sort it into boxes. Maybe a trip to bunnos to nab some cardboard? 

How about yours? Last hurdle starting to come down?

Hugs hun, deeeeeeeep breaths, and remember you're not alone 💜

[Captain24]

The bloody period shit. At least nine doesn't last as long anymore. @Jynx I hope it is easy on you this time. 

It’s hard to get started hey. I haven’t added it to my list of jobs for my next break. I think I pushed way too hard on this break. I have spent so much of today asleep. 

Defs go get some boxes. Even if you sort into boxes and stack them up then you’ll only need to go box by box. Hopefully once you get started it’ll just flow. 

Im so alone. I’m sitting here with both dogs asleep on my lap but I don’t think I’ve ever felt lonelier. It’s my fault. I’ve isolated myself from everyone. But I don’t deserve anyone either 

Im really not ok

[Captain24]

 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 would just hearing someone's voice help hun? I know you don't typically call crisis services but in terms of feeling a sense of connection, could be worth pushing past that internal anxiety and resistance (which are totally valid, btw) to get that? 

CUUUUTE 😍

[Captain24]

I don’t know if I can @Jynx. I’m scared they’d call someone. 

Do I just tell them I want to end my life? 

[Jynx]

Tell them what you need @Captain24 

For example, 

"Hi, I am feeling so horrifyingly lonely that my suicidal ideation is starting to scare me. I don't know if I am at full crisis point yet but I am kinda worried so I thought I'd call. Do you think we could chat about some stuff to help me feel more grounded and connected?" 

[Captain24]

I have the number up on my phone. @Jynx. I’m really scared. What are they going to tell me? Pat the dogs? Have a bath? I’m so scared.