I can’t cope

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 

It sounds like you've been putting in so much work recently. I'm glad that you had a few wins today and hope that you've been able to take a sec to celebrate them. 

I am struggling to understand why your best friend made that comment, I wonder if she was trying to be reassuring, or perhaps to reassure herself, but even if they're well-intended, those sort of comments aren't helpful and are invalidating, and show a fundamental misunderstanding of MI.

We all had different thresholds and forms of coping. Comparing one person's experience of poor mental health to another's is impossible to do because it is such a unique experience and dependent on so many factors both external and internal. Two people could go through the same events and receive the same diagnosis and manage in completely different ways. Sorry went on a little rant there! 

I think that perhaps it's a testament to the constant work that you do put in, that your friend would even have that thought, but it might be good to let her know that those sort of comparisons aren't helpful.

[Captain24]

I’ve been trying @Ru-bee. I need to get better. I need to be able to function better in my days off. 

I was just reading a book in my front room. I haven’t read a book in years. Plus I’ve never used my front room. 

She doesn’t see what it takes me to try and function. She doesn’t see what it’s like for me in my days off. Plus everyone is different. Some people on here take care of their families. I could never do that. I’m flat out looking after my dogs. I am in awe of them but that doesn’t diminish the MH in the slightest. It’s just something they have to do. 

I’ve had it before too. I have a cousin with bipolar and his mum said I can’t be as bad as him because I work and get out of bed. It’s so hard to hear. It’s like it makes it worse. Like I’m imagining having MH problems. 

They also don’t see that I’m just way too tired today. That all I can do right now is go to bed. I’ve done all I can to help myself but I just need to sleep. 

I have had some wins this morning like you said but I’m all washed out. 

[Ru-bee]

Sounds like another win @Captain24 by taking some time to read. What were you reading?

It honestly sounds like you've put in a huge effort today to do positive things for yourself, despite being tired, it's no wonder you need to rest now! I hope you get some good sleep and I'll catch up with you again later

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Sounds like another good session for ya!! Did she respond to you saying you felt you were sliding? 

Oh hun... I'm so sorry that your bestie hasn't quite got enough understanding of MI to be able to demonstrate the compassion you deserve. You're allowed to be very upset after such a comment!! 

Please, please talk to her about it!! I would hope that the comment was purely due to lack of experience and knowledge and not an intentional attempt to make you feel crappy - and if you don't speak up about it, a) she will never learn, and may make crappy comments again, to you and to others in her life and b) because if she's a good friend (which by all you've said, she is) she would absolutely want to know that she's upset you!

If you like, I could help you put a message or something together? There's sooo much to unpack in her making a statement like that, not the least of which is that the hours we work is NOT by any stretch the only life factor that effects our MH! 

I mean I literally was just reading in that book I mentioned yesterday (about emotionally immature parents) about this... I will take some pics of the relevant pages and send em through, maybe you could even share them with her to show that it is INCREDIBLY INVALIDATING for her to have said that to you, and it's not okay. 

Gimme a tick I just gotta take the piccies, I think it will (hopefully) help! 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I've included the intro to the first chapter, and then a lil excerpt of a case study about the guilt we can feel for being unhappy. Hopefully it can help you explain things to her?

Also, I'd like to point out that this guilt plagued me for years. It is rough as, and lemme know if there's any of my experiences with it you'd like to know more about. 

[Captain24]

I slept a lot longer than I thought I would @Ru-bee. I’m feeling a little better though. 

Im reading John Farnhams book. 

[Captain24]

Wow… just wow.. @Jynx

Thats totally me. I have everything so I should be happy. I’ve avoided relationships as I don’t know how to be around people. I am incredibly lonely but not the lonely that someone can fill. 

Reading that.. I don’t think she will get it as it describes her as well. And her childhood was harder than mine. She is one of those people. 

It’s ok though as I don’t want to upset her and she wouldn’t listen to it anyway. Since I appear so normal. It also makes me wonder how many other people see it that way. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hits hard hey!! I reckon reading this book is gonna be really challenging, but like in the best way. If I find more relevant pages, do you want me to share them? 

Hmm... sounds like she might have a lot of defensive walls up then hey, which is super understandable if she's also had it rough. But well... we can never truly know how someone will react. It could result in defensiveness, sure. But what if it could be something that prompts her to reflect? Maybe it's exactly what she needs to read to get a better understanding! 

Also...sometimes the kindest thing we can do is the thing that will upset someone. Conflict avoidance is nobody's friend! 

[Captain24]

Yes.. please share @Jynx. It’s interesting to see how much actually fits. How much of what I’m going through was from then. 

I’ve spent so long feeling lonely that I’m scared to let anyone in as I don’t think they could fill that gap. It’s kinda like I’ve taken comfort in the loneliness. If that makes sense. 

How has it helped you? Broad question I know but maybe you have some examples? 

I have to go into town tomorrow so if I remember I’ll go to the book store. 

Conflict avoidance is so me. I just shy away from it. I feel like that timid little girl. It’s hard as I don’t feel like I should have to justify myself. I know it’s a big achievement that I have a job. But it’s only because it’s what is expected of me. To have a house and have a mortgage. I can’t afford to rent here anyway. I don’t have anyone else to rely on to help financially. 

I did tell her everyone is different. I did try to stand up for myself. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yeah it's a solid book, really love the way it sorta... insists that no one needs to be blamed or punished, but that we can also recognise the ways we've been hurt and how this hurt of our unmet childhood needs follows us into adulthood. Like this quote:

It can be hard to look at your parents objectively because it might feel like you're betraying them. But that isn't the motive here. In this book, our mission is not to disrespect or betray your parents, but to finally see them objectively. I dunno I just like how kind and non-judgemental the author is. 

Ooh, here's another good quote from chapter 1: 

So when you're longing for a deep emotional connection, remind yourself that your painful feeling of aloneness is coming not just from your individual history, but also from human genetic memory. Just like you, our distant ancestors had a strong need for emotional closeness. Your need for attention and connection is as old as the human race. You have prehistoric reasons for not liking to be lonely. 

I think to be forced to take comfort, or attempt to take comfort in your loneliness is a prime example of the fact that you're a survivalist. Hyper-independence is a trauma response, it is your brain doing whatever is necessary to keep you safe. Tricky part is to then convince your system that you are safe, and that it can let go of that particular coping strategy. 

How has it helped me - do you mean this book? I haven't gotten far enough into it yet, so far it's been more... reading things and going 'Oh haha it me' or 'okay shit, my parents did do that, wow no wonder I used to hate myself so much'. It can also take me time to integrate stuff, so I'm gonna be bringing some of it to therapy methinks. But hey, happy to share about my journey as I go!! 

The other book I just finished, Polywise, actually goes a lot into relationship conflict and how the 'crime and punishment' social paradigm we're embedded in influences how we culturally handle conflict. It was absolutely fascinating, I will try to find it again to share with you. In a nutshell though, it's like... our society always says that people deserve to be punished if they 'do wrong' even if it was a mistake or an accident - and so it's no wonder we all are terrified of conflict because we're taught that in any conflict there is a winner and a loser. But we don't have to do it that way!! I always approach conflict with the mentality, 'It's not you vs me, it's you and me vs the problem' and that helps a lot. 

Proud of you for doing so!! Hope you're proud of yourself too 😊💜