I can’t cope

[tyme]

Heya @Captain24 

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@Captain24 wrote:

OMG a day of sunshine! 

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Metaphorically or literally? Or both??

[tyme]

Hellllloooo??? @Captain24 Are you around? Hope you're okay.

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Not sure if you’re around. 

Are you still eating healthily? Or was it a once off like I do. 😜 

I don’t have anywhere to go while my brother is here. I have my room but I can’t just go in there. I’ll get questioned. Especially by mum saying that we don’t see home very often. Mind you she will go home and have space. I don’t like people staying here. I feel invaded. I feel uncomfortable. Plus my dogs are a problem. It’s their house they should feel comfortable. 

Im trying to recreate the memory that she altered but im still struggling. I talk to her tomorrow so I’ll see what she says. 

It rained most of Saturday night. We had that much slop around a car that a guy had to get out in gumboots. He had to check how deep before he got out of the car I was driving. It was nearly above them. I did get a ‘glimmer, at around 4am. I could see 3 stars. That meant the clouds were clearing! It was a bit exciting. Last night the stars were amazing. I just stood on my truck and stared at them. They were so bright and clear. I wasn’t near a light. Just the pitch dark. 

How are you doing? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 teehee well look... I am trying, but I did have a mini pizza from the bakery for breakfast!! But that's okay, cos I got home made turkey burgers for dinner and will have muesli, berries, and yogurt tomorrow!! 

Hmm... sounds very much like your parents refuse to respect your boundaries. What would 'getting questioned' look like? Do your parents realise you don't exactly get along with your brother? And would your brother actually care or would it all come from your mum? 

Wait... so you are forced to let your brother stay even though it's a massive imposition on your home environment, energy, and mental state? Hun! That's just so crappy. 

Let me know how you go tomorrow!! 

Ohhhh I adore star-gazing!! So hard living in the city. I should go camping some time soon, go lay out and spend some time with the Milky Way! Always makes me feel insignificant, but like, in a good way. 

Also... I've started reading a new book. I think you might benefit from it too! But OOF it is a difficult read - maybe one to ensure you've got your psych on board to support you with along the way.  And definitely not one you could easily read around the house (maybe get the audiobook lol). But it's this one:

It's actually a pretty gentle read - as in, you can tell the author also holds space for compassion and kindness for parents who are like this. I read this one passage about like, how emotionally immature parents will often downplay or discredit their children's accomplishments because it feels like a threat to their own sense of insecurity, and how they will tend to always bring it back to making it about them... and I had all these memories come flooding in of my dad, whenever I told him about one of my successes like a good grade or whatever, he'd say like "Oh wow, you're nearly as clever as me!" or "Maybe you'll be as smart as me one day!" Like... that's not actually praise, and always left me feeling a bit deflated, but I never realised why until now!! 

So yeah, could be immensely helpful, might make you cry a lot, so do with that what you will!! 

[Captain24]

Well it’s a start. Going slowly will make it easier to maintain and continue @Jynx. Plus you are always allowed cheat days. Listen to me giving dietary advice when mine is ridiculously bad!

Mum will say shit like.. why are you in your room? Don’t be so rude they have come here for the first time in ages? Can’t you and your brother just get along? Just some…

It's expected that they stay here. I have room and a bigger, nicer house. Mum won’t even let his girlfriend go to the house. It’s a dump and falling down around their ears. Plus there is no room as they are semi hoarders. There is not place for me to sit when I go there. 

It’ll be expected of me to organise dinner every night and pay for it. We will probably go out for dinner one night and I’ll be expected to pay for it all. They will stay up drinking until 12, I don’t drink, but mum and dad will have gone home long before that. They will probs only come at meal times. It’ll be up to me to entertain them. I’m going to have to have conversations with them continually, I don’t talk. I’m going to have to buy presents for them but get nothing in return. I haven’t had a present from my brother in years. 

So yes it’s all on me and no one will care. It’s just what is expected of me. 

That book sounds like it’s something like I went through. We have a small bookstore in town so I’ll see if they can get it in. I’m sorry that that’s what your dad use to say. It’s not fair and not supportive. 

I’ve got 3 books in my front room to read which I haven’t touched. It’s part of my SP. I might do it after my appointment tomorrow. Hopefully it’s easier than the last one. 

I will need to debrief as she gives me a rough time. In a good way! My old psych was only interested in day to day stuff and gossip. She tried to link the guy that was found dead in a tree to a couple that died in a shipping container. The deaths weren’t even around the same time. I hate gossip! That’s not what I was paying her for. My psych is $30 cheaper and so much better. 

I was looking at the Milky Way last night! I was so mindful.. We are just a really small part of this world. I don’t like camping but I can see you loving it, being the free spirit that you are. 

This is how safe it is around here. A father and son were fishing. The da started filming as his son have a snag and started to reel it in. His dad said ‘step back’ so he could get it. A second later a brown snake slithered past we the boy had just been standing. It was a really close call. You hear the son say. ‘I want to go’

[Captain24]

Did you forget @Jynx or was I just too much? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 oh what!! I am so sorry, no please do NOT internalise this - I may have just... well, this meme sums it up:

Knew I made that meme for a reason!! 

It has been pretty busy tonight, and I am always a ball of chaos with like 50 tabs open at any given point. Okay I'm gonna go back and read your post, see if I can reply quickly or if I wanna give it more time (and thus will reply tomorrow) - either way I'll let you know before I go. 

🫂🫂

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I am so sorry your family treats you like... almost like a housemaid really!! 

Maybe another thing to ask your psych about is boundaries. Because your family need to learn to respect yours. 

Realistically, what would be the absolute WORST thing that would happen if you just point blank said 'No, my brother can find his own accommodation, he is not allowed to stay here.'? Because you do NOT owe ANYONE, blood family or not, your time, energy, or money. ESPECIALLY when it is not reciprocated or appreciated. Just because something is expected of you, it does NOT mean that you are obliged to do it. 

Aww I gotta go - remind me tomorrow to tell you my brown snake story, and to send you some pics from the walk I took yesterday. I saw an echidna!! 

Chat more tomorrow hun - also, if I ever take that long to reply again, you know you can just tag me again a LOT sooner ok? 

Night night, huggles!! 🫂🫂

[Captain24]

I had my psych appointment. @Jynx. It went really well. We talked a little about my brother but not much. I see her again on Christmas Eve so we will focus on him then. 

We redid the rescripting and it was ok that it was fading. It just meant I need a little bit more help with it. 

We talked about the difference that I felt from the last one to the next day. It was the reaction she was hoping for but wasn’t sure if I would get it after the first rescripting session. Apparently it’s me that has been doing all the work in trying to move forward. I did tell her that I feel like I’m sliding again. But it’s ok. I have a long way to go. 

After the appointment I finished changing my sheets and had a hot bath. Plus I had lunch (huge achievement!) 

Then my best friend rang. She talked about some stuff and then asked if my job was considered full time, part-time or casual. When I said full time and that I work 62.25 hrs a block she said that my MH isn’t that bad then. Her brother can’t work so he is obviously worse. I feel so such down and unsupported. It’s a good thing that I manage to go to work. I have to pay my mortgage. I have called in sick a lot because I just can’t go. It’s not easy for me to get there, to function while I’m there and to continue to go for the 5 days. 

I feel like I shouldn’t have my MI, I shouldn’t be getting help, I should be just fine. I have a job so it means I am fine. If only she could see what’s in my head. The thought of ending my life just so I don’t have to go. Wishing an injury on myself so I don’t have to go. It’s not easy for me to get there.