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Kate12
Contributor

How to survive walking on egg shells for the rest of my life

Hi I have a question. I have a serious decision to make. I have survived (just) 30years with a bipolar Mum who past not long ago. It was a very traumatic childhood and adulthood being her carer. The same time my mother past and I thought I was finally free from the trauma. My husband had a mental breakdown and had a serious parinoid pyschotic episode. Was off work for a year. Has been doing better since but had a few mild relapses. He hasn't been consistent with his medication. Which has made me very angry because it's the same stuff I went through as a child because Mum had no self awareness. 
I want to be supportive but I don't know if my own mental health can cope with living wondering when the next episode will be.  It's a learnt behaviour from a very young age being hyper vigilant for my own protection wondering when Mum would be manic again. 
I don't want to live like this forever the anxiety I feel will crack me eventually. It's like PTSD I dont have to be in the traumatic situation but just the anxiety wondering is stressful. I'm just so broken hearted that just when I thought I was free MH came right back to me again and to my closest relationship. Maybe if it was a great marriage I would battle through it but it hasn't been the best over the 20years which makes it harder. But I have beautiful children that I don't want to hurt as well. 
Feel like I don't have anything left to give, my Mums MH sucked the life out of me and my husbands severe psychotic episode just tipped me over. I don't want to live this life surving forever. Any help would be appreciated. 

5 REPLIES 5

Re: How to survive walking on egg shells for the rest of my life

hi @Kate12
thing sounds very tough for you atm, have you considered getting some support for yourself?
its important to care for yourself as well to be able to help others.
I would suggest having a chat with your gp about a mental health care plan or even Carers Australia as they offer free counselling as well.

Re: How to survive walking on egg shells for the rest of my life

Thank you. Yes I have been seeing a psychologist of late. But I thought I would reach out to this forum because I thought who else to really understand than those who have lived or living through it. Appreciate you taking the time and care to respond. 

Re: How to survive walking on egg shells for the rest of my life

Hi there Kate. I'm new here and haven't learned how to navigate the site properly. Stumbling around reading random posts under headings that look to relate to my own circumstance. Your post struck a cord in me insofar as my daughter suffers schizophrenia and has recently stopped taking her medication. When you described the anxiety around the anticipation of something crazy happening I could totally relate. Could also relate to feelings of PTSD, and the anxiety eventually breaking you, I could relate again. Been feeling that way for a while now. Also caring for my younger brother who had chronic paranoid schizophrenia. He died 2 months ago from liver cancer. I am completely, physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. My daughter and my brother. Heartbreaking stuff. Cruel, brutal. Impossible to sustain ongoingly. I have to start to look after myself or I will be crushed. Dusted. I don't know what to offer you outside of my understanding. We have to start to look after ourselves Kate. It's the decision I have made for myself. I will never abandon my daughter, but am now learning to set boundaries and stick to them. I have to have some space. I just do. Feel suffocated, sucked dry. Trapped. Let's do it Kate. Got to cut ourselves some slack, and I've got to drop the guilt. The guilt has begun to turn to anger, and I dont for this to happen. It's what has persuaded me me to give myself a break. I don't want to be angry with her. She has mental illness, and not her fault. Though she can be somewhat manipulative and bends the truth a fair bit. It's sad, mainly. My heart is broken. It will mend if I give myself a break. Raving on now Kate. Just wanted you to know I am in same boat and understand.
~ Kindest wishes, Climatechange.

Re: How to survive walking on egg shells for the rest of my life

@Climatechange 

My heart breaks as I read your story. It's like reading mine! You have put into words exactly how I feel as well. 
mom so sorry fo your painful road. 
You are absolutely right it's time for us as well to repair and heal without the guilt. With you in understanding as well. Xx

Re: How to survive walking on egg shells for the rest of my life

Not mom ...I’m ...sorry typo
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