Horrendous anxiety flare up

[Appleblossom]

I am terrible in that I dont have high standards, so I am lucky like that  I believe anybody can do musicor  can learn etc .. unless they have medical issue and then its about finding a "work around". Anything is better than nothing. I have to get snootier about standards as well as boundaries. I usually try and give my best and that is generally compeitive etc or so it seems .. I havent been into visual arts much but as I dont have standards I just accept what I produce .. I dont show it around mind you ..

[PeppiPatty]

hello @Chookmojo 

If your talking to me.....no. no idea. Im always tired. But in the last two weeks,  Ive been thinking of starting my excersise routine again. 

I feel like a new person that, in the last 6 months, ive stopped blaming myself for losing my home. Because of dreams and memories, realising that my Dad bullied me into selling it and helpnig his business. 

[PeppiPatty]

dearest @Appleblossom and @Chookmojo an of course....@boot and @lisajane, 

Was it you @Chookmojo who commented on fear of intimacy ? Yes. Im right there. It is difficult isnt it. I feel like crying reading this because i feel so strongly.....that our Aussie society do not hold onto things like hugging, cherished times of being a woman.....holding onto....say a pretty broach your partner gives you. 

I need to have flowers, fresh flowers in a vase in my loungeroom. My inimacy. My time. 

I waS taught to find and hold onto very tightly a friend, like a support friend, one I can bounce ideas on. 

How does this feel to you ? 

[Appleblossom]

I bet a lot of girls were taught to hold on to a special friend but what happens to the newbie.

The blocks around me started to dissolve when I was about 16. I had been in one place for a few years and could actually get to know a few people. Before then, maybe many had special friends but I was always getting yanked and moved on by welfare or parents. So nobody to bounce ideas off. or the ideas started off as ... hmmm you already know. They all had too many problems overwhelming problems .. not easy chatting, I felt sorry for a lot of people, but realised later I actually had it hard.

My own internal creativity and blocks, ebb and flow.

Were you talking to anyone in particular @chookmojo or just throwing it out to the universe?

[chookmojo]

@PeppiPatty  hey that's great that you have stopped blaming yourself and are thinking about getting back into exercise, sounds like that block is starting to shift at least a bit.

Yeah, I have tremendous issues with intimacy and its a bit of a mystery to me, I don't really know what it is about or why it is so, I am just super uncomfortable with it. I am very much an introvert, need lots of alone time. I haven't really had a special friend I have truly felt able to bounce things off for many years, I think that is why I have found seeing the psychologist quite good. It's nice to be able to talk without worrying about how this will affect them or our relationship. I do have some good friends but there are so manyno go areas, mostly I have only myself to bounce things off.

[chookmojo]

@Appleblossom Not having those artificial standards is great if it means you don't feel unable to give things a go, I need to learn to develop that acceptance. I understand it and agree with it mentally, but I still freeze up because I don't want to 'waste' paper, paint etc and because putting myself on the page is just too intimate. Too vulnerable.

Well originally my question was for @justanother47yR but I am happy to hear from anyone about their blocks and what they know about them, more perspectives are so helpful.

[Appleblossom]

Sorry to butt in .. its a position only some music teachers take, but others most certainly dont,  There are skill levels and it does takes work not just inborn talent to attain them .. but a child in anon musical family has to work twice as hard as one that listens and is involved in music-making , Anyway that is my opinion .. but it does not help to stop yourself before you even start any activity .. I SAW WHAT THAT DID TO MY SON ... I dont waste enough paper to worry when I draw or doodle  etc.. recycler from way back.

[PeppiPatty]

dearest @Chookmojo, 

Ive seen you on the forums for a long time now but dont know if we've written. Yeah, its a major thing to me and then......two people came, today, this afternoon, to visit me and verified the stalker stuff......a year of nightmare there. 

Im an extrovert but need to spend a lot of time alone too. You need to do what fits but when I mean, find a good friend, its like, it just happens and when you say..look Im this really proud consumer which means I have had the guts to access help from mental health agencies in the past...... it all seems to  fall into place and the next thing you know.....one day....down the track.......your saying yeah, Im just saying I wanna find someone I can run by a few things.........

The person who's my support person right now is a wonderful man who is passionate about the wellbeing of his children and his Grandchildren. I paid him to service my car......oh, hes done a great job. 

He likes my husband and is very interested in my reading which is usually about Mental Health. He also experiences times of mental ill health. 

Super uncomfortable.....i feel like this when Im with my husband. Someone who truly loves me. I can't get close to him. He is asleep at the moment and was...amazing when those two people came over about the stalker but.....im sitting here thinking......oh, he looks like this, these two kind people are going to think like that......but i'de rather be with my control. My low opinion of myself 

I'

[Ace85]

@chookmojo I wanted to thank you for writing this post (even though it was started a while ago) I also suffer with bouts of anxiety, and it's somewhat comforting to be reminded that I'm not alone. Unfortunately for me, anxiety can bring on my epileptic seizures. This occured last year when I was meant to do my uni prac work, as I was quite anxious leading up to it and not sleeping properly. I arrived for my first day of prac and was there about 15 minutes and had a seizure (thankfully I was neither driving at the time or taking care of any patients - imagine a wrongly placed syringe?) . I ended up being admitted to the ward over night for observation, had my prac work cancelled and wasn't allowed to drive for 2 months. This led to a deep depression and it was even days before I was even able to cry - I just felt dead inside. I felt that if one more thing went wrong, that something deep inside me would 'crack' and I'd end up in a psych ward.

Now, almost 12 months later, I'm trying to work on my anxiety, so that when I do face prac work again, I can succeed. The amount of deep breathing I've had to do recently - I'm sure I'm sucking all the oxygen out of the air! But it's frustrating cos as soon as I feel like I'm starting to gain back that control a bit more, some other external thing happens to make me feel anxious (though other people seem to think I'm making a big deal out of nothing). If only I'd gotten the help I needed 18 yrs ago, when I first started exhibiting signs of depression and self harm, perhaps my MI might not have gotten so extreme. 

[Appleblossom]

@Ace85 I know an older lady nurse who is very DTE and manages her epilepsy and employment without fuss .. and says she wishes others would too.  Good luck with it.

@chookmojo horrendous anxiety describes me too ..