Horrendous anxiety flare up

[Appleblossom]

Hi @chookmojo

You sound pretty amazing with your fitness and work ethic.  It takes a lot of dedication and energy, so give yourself plenty of credit.

I was at the gym for 7 years.  it was good for me to get clear about my body.  I started with a pump class. But I loved the gym because of the accurate feedback re cardio fitness, and being abloe to track how much effort/ reps etc produced strain and how much was just cruising and healthy.

I am impresssed by your clarity about personal boundaries which I read in some other post.  For most of my life, I have just had to do "acceptance".  Now is the first time in my life I can actually afford to set optional boundaries.

Go gently with yourself even if your feet are pounding the tread mill.

[chookmojo]

Thank you @Appleblossom.

You know, I have been processing your words for the last several days with no idea of how to respond.

I have NEVER in my life been told I have a good work ethic (quite the opposite) and I really had to take some time to think about it and not just immediately respond with anecdotal evidence of how I am slack.

It still blows my mind a little bit, but I wanted to make sure I said thank you. There is a (not so)  little part of me that feels like it has been acknowledged for the first time ever, and right now it is bashfully looking at it feet, but I cannot tell you how grateful it is to have been recognised.

[chookmojo]

Thanks @Mazarita,

I am very fortunate to have spent nearly 10 years heavily involved in NLP (neuro-linguistic-programing) with some of the most skilled trainers in the world, and SO MUCH of my resource pool comes directly from that work, and indirectly from the interest in self development that it triggered, and the people and ideas I have met/been exposed to through it. Though I have not been directly involved in that area for a long time now, I still benefit from what it taught me (about myself and my mind's capabilities) in countless ways.

Know too that I am likewise following your story, though I don't pipe up much.

[chookmojo]

Today will mark one week on my shiny new medication.

Side effects have lessened in severity, though still encompass many aspects and try out new ones from time to time. All in all most days I feel phyically not too bad. Nowhere near as seedy as the first days. Sleep has settled down for the most part. Worst ones have been teethgrinding and yawning constantly. Funnily enugh one of the nototrious side effects of this medication (bum troubles to put it nicely) has actually IMPROVED my life as I was previously being woken up in the middle of the night with quite a lot of intestinal pain, and spending 1-2 hours a night getting up to go back and forth to the loo in the stupidly early hours of the morning. This is no longer happening.

That weird 'Blankness' passed after two days and it was nice to have my internal kinesthetics back online. The odd 'quietness' of my mind had passed too and there is now a fair bit of chatter going on again. Slightly fewer intrusive thoughts, slightly fewer vocal tics (which mainly respond to the itrusive thoughts).

The Sunday Night Anxiety Roadshow came through last night, a little later than usual, and MUCH more focussed on bodily sensations than on thoughts. As my head was already in the right place I mostly focussed on breathing to slow my heart rate down, and once that settled did a progressive muscle relaxation. Also put away my laptop and switched ut to a paper book to get away from 'screens' for a while before bed, and ended having a REALLY good night's sleep.

Anxiety was/is VERY strong this morning and only a combination of unavoidable urgent deadlines saw me make it out of the house. I was also feeling pretty nauseous - as it turns out I have a migraine coming on.  Made it to the gym though had to take it easy as I was feeling pretty green through a lot of it, and had an occular migraine when I got to work. This is the second time that has happened after a work out (it is so damn trippy) and I must remember to mention it to the doctor when I go back, though the optometrist couldn't find anything concerning with my eyes.

Still feeling pretty crook this moring and haven't even had my pill yet. First half of my day is meetings, so I will see how I go. I have too much work to do to take the day off, but if I can't be productive at work there will be little point in staying.

I have a week off work booked as soon as this project is wrapped up and I am counting down the days!

[chookmojo]

Have made it through enough of the day that I will see it through and not quite as anxious now. If I were to judge by when it ramped down I would say I was having anxiety over my PD session with my boss.

CONSCIOUSLY I was not anxious about this at all, but as soon as it was over I felt a little relief.

I start early so I only have a few hours to go. It's taken some focused breathing but I am gonna make it.

Right now I am drinking peppermint and lavender tea for both my anxiety and my woogy tum, and if I can remember I should bring in some lemon-balm form the herb garden at home. It is soothing and very delicious when fresh.

I reckon if it ends up that this medication makes it less difficult for me to get out of the house during the week I am going to check out the Art Therapy held at the Abbottsford Convent. I'd love if it were closer to home, but it is not too hard and I love the convent and the children's farm, it's a great place that I look forward to going.

[Appleblossom]

Sometimes work shows and gets dollars or gold stars sometimes it doesnt.

I was warned by my brother in a weird way when I found he had taken the Myth of Sisyphus to heart in a negative way.

We need to honour our work... whether others see it or not .. whatever it be.

[Appleblossom]

I love the convent .. I used to live thin Abbotsford before it was made into a public space.  I dont get there enough .. maybe one day I will bump into you there .. lol

[chookmojo]

Been on tese meds for two weeks now and side effects have settled down (and I have become used to them) to the point where I would consider them more or less negligible. So that is good.

Sleep is NOT a problem anymore, except maybe in the other direction as I am sleeping quite a lot. I'm not willing to ascribe that to the meds yet though as I tend to hibernate in winter quite a lot anyhow.

Was VERY interested to note that I had noticably reduced anxiety last night - to the point where a couple of times I sort of went 'looking for it' - I mean come on, it was 7pm on Sunday, where was the horror of the morrow? But at the same time I didn't look too hard because just being able to enjoy the evening was very pleasant and novel.

I did wake up with pretty bad anxiety this morning, and cancelled gym, but have made it into work and while a bit anxious I am not too bad.

Only three days till I get my week off. I think I am going to sleep through most of it!

[chookmojo]

Continuing to find that God laughs at plans.

My leave this week had to be cancelled.

I get to take extra next week, so I still get the whole amount of time off, but delayed. To my surprise I am only a little grumpy, and not at all anxious about this. Normally my time off is SO essential that I get quite touchy if it is delayed.

I dunno, I am in a really good mood today, slept well and woke up happy. Things have ceased to be quite so intense at work and I am just feeling good. I'll take it.

[Appleblossom]

Fantastic @chookmojo

Yes there are limits to the best laid plans of mice and men