Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

[hiddenite]

The police scare me they came to the house to tell me he had passed away. They have been called out 5 times to do welfare checks and most of them are men.

The flashbacks make me feel that my husband is still alive.

My main trigger is men.

Do anything to avoid triggers that why I isolate myself.

To scared to live

[kristin]

Oh my friend that is an excruciating place to be. When the abuse has been so bad for so long that we have internalised it. A very frightening thing. Nor is it something you should need to manage alone.

I promise you there are people out there who can help you - not only to get through this but to get much better  within yourself. Like @Chris said you haven't yet found the right person to help you, it doesn't mean they don't exist.

Being in "the valley" is harder to find help because it is mostly "down the line" in town somewhere. I hate driving into the city, even the outer suburbs - but I have to for therapy, and it is worth it.

Cherry very kindly just let me know it's ok for me to post my poem. I hope it helps somewhat. 

Siren Song

Death begins its siren song
As I try to hold
This hidden haemorrhaging
More pain than I can possibly contain
At these times suicide
Seems to hold such allure.
I cannot go there –
I force my mind away
By sheer will.

I know its promise of release
Is just a mirage,
I’ve been on the receiving side.
It would but hand this agony
To those I love most
And those who love me
A cursed gift I cannot leave.

So I sit with this cavernous black hole
I speak of what it devours and spews out
I sort through it like handling ra2or wire
When I can I even nurse it gently
Like a distressed babe
Until, at last, it subsides
… And I live

Kristin © May 2012

Please take care of you @hiddenite We care about you very much.

Hope, for the relieving release of tears, endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[hiddenite]

I can relate to your poem, thank you,

I haven't cried in three years there just is no healthy way to release my torture

[Former-Member]

-

[CherryBomb]

@hiddenite 

You write really well, ever considered writing to release some of your feelings? 

[hiddenite]

Police get sent out by gp, psychologist, psychiatrist, Catt team when they think you are going to do something permanent. They check safety, ask a lot of traumatizing questions then offer an ambulance or a ride to the ed.

I don't recommend one

[kristin]

@hiddenite I am wondering if you got a chance to look at that link to the blog about flashbacks, it includes some things which I have found quite helpful myself. The way I posted the link was very roundabout so if you didn't get to check it out I have done a direct one here. If it's not helpful for you that is fair enough. I find the naming things one quite helpful, I also learned a mindfulness exercise called called being a tree which is very helpful in preventing me from getting too overwhelmed (when I remember to use it in time, which I don't always).

Don Valley is really lovely, no wonder you miss it. I take it you had some awful neighbours too? I'm in my early fifties and I have never known anyone as awful as these people - the worst part is the hypocrisy. They go around pretending to be paragons of the community. The truth is they are extremely embittered and spiteful, their chief enjoyment seems to be in scheming up new ways to get at people they don't like. I had to put security cameras on my house because of them.

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

PS Hi @Former-Member  good to "see" you. 

[Alessandra1992]

Jeepers @hiddenite, maybe one day the police will provide contact to women officers, especially when you have clearly had many contacts over time..one day the system will change to accommodate working with community members who have PTSD, dv and other highly stressful experiences..
It must be very hard for you..WIRE maybe able to help..
How are your parents? Are they elderly? Even though they may not be kind parents, or compassionate, I am glad that you have a roof to stay under..
Maybe that's the best they can do as they may never have the skills of empathy or acceptance..
Some time parents are culturally just too different, stiff upper lip or have survived trauma in their own way and figure if they can do it, so can you..

I reckon there's heaps of people who have parents that are like aliens in how they relate to each other...I hope that your parents who may never accept you gave mh issues, well I hope that they are keeping their door open to you as their act of love for you..
Its been a hot muggy day today, hope you're pouring yourself a cool drink of water, maybe with an ice block or two. There are some water oases close to the city..less far to drive...Lilydale lake, Laughing waters in Eltham..botanical gardens in the city..can be very quiet and still there..pipemakers park, Maribrynong...Brimbank Park..there's a few parks that have rivers or lakes..Werribbee River is beautiful..
My lucky crystals.. Lapis lazuli and rose quartz..
Wishing you a cool breeze wherever you are tonight..

[hiddenite]

I'm sorry Kristen that awful.

[hiddenite]

Hi sandy

When my husband died they sent two male police at three in the morning to tell me. And questioned me for two hours.

I'm glad you like crystals I have a rose quartz necklace with a silver tree of life carve onto it.

Take care