Can’t sleep... mega jittery .... scared

[Lostandalone]

Hi all

its almost 3am and I am lying here awake... shaking like a leaf.... jittery... and scared

my mind is playing tricks on me

everything going wrong in my life

cant cope 

Feelings of worthlessness

want to sleep forever and never wake up... but don't want to be dead (if that makes sense) 

want to scream

want to run away 

want it all to be ocer

 Need to move on

stuck in a rut

jumbled thoughts

help

[greenpea]

@Lostandalone  Hi Lostandalone sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now. Do you want to talk about it some more? I will be here for another 20 mins before I go out for my walk. Otherwise I could just sit with you. Love greenpeax

[Maggie]

@Lostandalone  I’m sitting with you and @greenpea . I can hear how rough it is for you right now.  Sending some 💜💜💜💜 and listening, if you want to talk. 

[Lostandalone]

@Maggie @greenpea  Thank you Maggie and greenpea for being here with me. 
I managed to snooze for a few hours after getting up and watching some mindless TV

it is hard to explain what is going on in my head right now

i have been under a lot of stress for the past 6 months or more

i feel I have been bullied and victimized at work , put under disciplinary action and now I am suspended.  I honestly feel I can never go back there again after everything they have put me through... but even if I resign... I will have a black mark on my name when I go to get another job (May I add I have been where I am for close to 25 years and this is how they thank me) 

i don't really sleep... I just snooze... waking after a few hours in a sweat... shaking like a leaf... sometimes crying... sometimes just feeling like a tightly wound spring

i have what I guess could be described as SI... (I have never done this... and hope I continue to have the strength not to.... I just have feelings)

I want to scream.... I want to cry uncontrollably, I want to run away and never come back

i do have a long history of clinical depression for which I take meds.... but I don't think the meds are doing anything 

as I have recently moved to a new area I made an appointment to see a GP but naturally she couldn't do much to help me as she didn't know me.... but she did give me a number to try and book an appointment with a psychiatrist 

i have an appointment with my psychologist... but it's not until later in the week.... I have also accessed EAP and am awaiting my appointment 

I have friends and family who are great support... but I don't want to burden them.  A lot of my support is workmates... but due to my suspension etc I have been forbidden to talk to them about what is going on 

I am at breaking point 

[Maggie]

@Lostandalone  Oh that is so heartbreaking. 25 years , that’s a long time to be in a job. I can see how you would feel let down, and so much more. I really am sorry you have been treated this badly. You don’t deserve this.

You are sounding at breaking point, and who wouldn’t, given what you have, and are going through.

Do you use Lifeline, or other online emergency numbers.??

You are doing the right thing by seeing a psychologist . Is there any chance you can bring the appointment closer? If they know how hard it is right now,

We are listening and caring @Lostandalone. Sending 💙💙💙

[Lostandalone]

i have managed to bring my psychologist appointment to a telehealth session this afternoon... hopefully that will give me some relief 

[Maggie]

@Lostandalone  Really pleased to hear you have this happening this afternoon.

I hope you get some relief and support.

Take care. Let us know how you get on if you would like to. 💙💙

[outlander]

hi @Lostandalone
I really hope your psychologist was helpful today and that sleep comes abit easier tonight.
I know how hard it can be to try and function without sleep and even getting to sleep In general as I have chronic insomnia too

[Lostandalone]

2am and here I am again.... 

not quite as jittery... but jittery none the less

not quite as scared... but a little

talking to my phsychologist helped a little yesterday... kind of helped me put a few things in perspective...  helped me with a few of my options

for the past 6 months I have been in a living hell because of how I have been treated at work.... whether what I did to cause this was right or wrong... the way they have gone about things is wrong and have left me with very few options.... do I hang in there longer knowing they will continue to treat me like this.... do I let them push me out the door and resign..... or do I wait for them to terminate me ( which I feel they may very well do) ..... 

I think my only option is to bow out on my own terms and resign..... 25 years of dedicated service ended like this.... but even if I do resign... all of this will have left a black mark on my record... possibly making it hard to find further employment in the industry 

mid 50 years of age too old to start anew???? 
as you can see... despite feeling slightly better... I am still all over the place 

[Maggie]

@Lostandalone  Your appointment sounds like it was helpful. Small shifts in feelings, and a few options to consider, it’s a start.

You obviously know how you are being treated is wrong, which means the problem is not you, but them.

Whatever caused this situation, whether right or wrong, being treated badly is not right or professional.

I know it’s not helpful in regards to finding other employment, if that happens, your health is important.

Being all over the place is very understandable. Be kind to yourself in some small way today. 💙💙

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