BPD is Ruining My Life

[Blue_Girl86]

When I was first diagnosed, I was told I had Bipolar 2, depression and ptsd. I was put on random medications by a GP, saw numerous psychiatrists and psychologists and the medications they had me on gave me pretty bad anxiety... which I haven’t been able to shake.

I would have been 20 at the time.

It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I was rediagnosed with BPD, and it makes so much more sense.

Flashbacks to being younger and experiencing my first feelings of flash rage brought on by next to nothing. I always found that my mum triggered me the most. And partners. So basically, anyone that I was the most close to. I remember getting so angry that I punched my fist into a stone benchtop, dislocating my knuckles. I wanted to hurt myself more than anything else. I was just so mad, and I don’t even remember why. I remember being so depressed to the point where I wouldn’t be able to eat or drink anything for days on end, I couldn’t leave my bed. I’d lay there gross in the same clothes for days, not showering or looking after my hygiene. And no one would be any wiser. I’d somehow end up at work eventually, fake smile in tow, cracking jokes and acting like a clown because I didn’t want anyone to know how bad I felt on the inside.

I have ruined every single relationship I have been in purely on irrational thoughts and fear of abandonment alone. I do crappy things like obsessively check my partner’s social media pages to see if he has added any new women. I know he loves me and he is loyal. I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell him I have BPD. He knows I have really bad depression at the moment. But I feel like if I told him that he would run for the hills. Why do people always mistake Borderline Personality Disorder for Multiple Personality Disorder. Have you noticed that?
I feel physically heavy and I’m gaining the kg at the moment. Because I’m so stressed out I can’t lose it and I’m obsessively in the gym and starving myself. Doesn’t work when you’re in your late 30s though... only screws up your metabolism and makes it worse. I over eat excessively and shamefully with the B word when I’m down. I can’t control it and I’m ashamed of it. I feel like when I have an episode it gets worse as I get older. I tried to hurt myself on Saturday. I was at the point where I just feel so isolated and alone and like I have no importance to anyone, not even my partner. I was wishing and hoping that I would just end so I don’t have to deal with the emptiness and sadness of feeling so alone.

i really feel like an idiot.

ive been wanting to do dbt for so long now but it’s so expensive and I can’t find anywhere that can maybe fit in with a work schedule or be cost effective. I get so overwhelmed looking it up online and I have no idea where to start.

i really need help hey. My chest and pit of my stomach feel like they are going to heave in and implode. I’m so sad lately. It’s been non stop for the last week and I can’t control my feelings.

ive never told anyone any of this before and I really really just need a hug and some advice on what do do.

i don’t want to ruin another relationship or my life and I feel like I’m approaching rock bottom again.

i just wish I had someone to talk to that wouldn’t judge me.

😞

[Eden1919]

@Blue_Girl86  i am sorry you are struggling so badly BPD can be very distressing and often comes with a lot of stigma, i have done DBT (I was misdiagnosed with BPD) it didnt fix everything for me but did give me some helpful communication skills but i hear it works a lot better for those who actually have BPD i would encourage you to keep looking into it but i agree finding a place that does it can be very overwhelming. there are some others here who will be able to better relate to your story i will tag @BPDSurvivor and i hope you can find the support here that you need most people here are pretty good at listening and not judging. 

[NatureLover]

Sending you a hug, @Blue_Girl86 !

And I'm tagging @tyme  and @outlander  who have great insights on BPD, as I see @BPDSurvivor  has already been tagged 🙂

[Katalina7]

Katalina7

Hi i have the same issue with the medication I am putting the Weight on I just eat cakes when I am down. I also think if he loves you he will stick by your side. I did a lot of bad things to my partner and called him names I was ashamed what I did to him. He lives in another city away from me but he never give up on me caused he love me so much I see him sometimes. 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Blue_Girl86,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is really brave of you to reach and share your story with us. It sounds like things have been very challenging for you over the years. I'm sorry to read what you have gone through and I really hope you have got a good professional support team in place now.

It sounds like your partner is really nice and I glad you have each other. I understand why you might be cautious to tell him about your BPD but I would encourage you to share this with him if and when you feel comfortable as it may help him better understand what you are going through. A close family member of mine was diagnosed with a serious mental health issue many years ago - knowing what his diagnosis is and learning about it has helped me better understand my family member. I also think knowing about his diagnosis and having an understanding around it helps me support him better. 

I am sorry to read how you are feeling - I don't think you should feel like an idiot at all. I think you are a human being having human responses and reactions to what is going on in your life. I think sometimes the people we are the toughest on is ourselves. Over the years I have learned to try and see myself through the eyes of `my best friend'. What I mean by this is I try to wonder if this was happening to my best friend, what would I say to her? I'm sure that most of us are kinder and more empathetic to our friends. I think we should be just as kind to ourselves.

I also think you are brave for reaching out and sharing your story with us in an honest and real way. I hope sharing your story has helped you feel l little lighter. I know you said you were really struggling on the weekend, I am wondering how you are feeling now? While SANE is here to support you as much as we can unfortunately, we are not a crisis centre. If you ever do need immediate support, please call:

- LifeLine on 13 11 14

- BeyondBlue on 1300 224 636

- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

As mentioned above, while we are not a crisis centre, we are a place for support, safety and to share our lived experiences. There is no judgement on the Forums so if you would like please keeping reaching out for support here.

Warm wishes, 

FloatingFeather

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Katalina7,

Welcome to the Forums - it is nice to have you here. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers here. The Forums are a safe and anonymous space with a lot of caring members from a variety of lived experiences.

Thank you for sharing some of your story with us and helping to support others in the Forums - I think it is the sharing of experiences that helps make our Forums really unique and special. 

It sounds like you have lovely partner @Katalina7 who supports you. I agree, when you really love someone I think you do your best to support them through the good times and the bad. 

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

[tyme]

I don't judge you @Blue_Girl86 - I know only too well what it is like to live with BPD.

Many people misunderstand BPD; it is so highly stigmatised.

For starters, you can have a read of:

1) Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

2) Topic Tuesday// Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Week 2022: 'See The Person'// Tues 27th Se... 

I'll also tag @BPDSurvivor who will be able to offer some insights into what you are sharing.

All the best, tyme

[Katalina7]

Katalina7

I have decided I need space to get my life in order so we are apart. He checks on me to see how I am going and I have a long road ahead of me. I have had a kidney removed from cancer and I am going to see a psychologist at the trauma centre. I do enjoy giving a bit of advice to people who are sad and are going through some things I have been through. I do a lot of crying and feel sorry for myself that is why I have joined the forums to see if I can get any closure and see what other people have been through. 
Thanks for listening

[Former-Member]

Hey @Blue_Girl86 ,

Isn't it funny that the people who are closest to us are also the ones we have the most difficulty with during times of high emotion and stress. Close relationships, either family, friends or romantic, have so many elements that sometimes they spark the most intense emotional reactions. Sounds like you've experienced that with your mum in past and throughout your romantics endeavours?

Fear looks like a big factor that is affecting your current romantic relationship? I think it would be really beneficial to explain to your partner what is happening for you, what it is like and how they can support you. It will give them an insight into your actions and may actually work toward saving your relationship. Relationships are tricky and someone very wise recently told me

"A good relationship works on respect. If you are truthful and open, even if it is difficult or you fear the outcome, you are showing respect for your partner. You are showing respect that you can be open, that you trust they will act respectfully back and this will make the way for each person to share the responsibility of this relationship. And if they don't act respond with respect, then they are not worthy of your worries."

This was very difficult for me and I lost that person, but I did gain something for myself, something much more truthful and fulfilling. You should never have to hide who you are. You may find that by being upfront with your diagnosis, your worries and your needs, you will be working toward discovering and advocating your self-worth and that is a beautiful thing xx

[Former-Member]

@Katalina7 This is an amazing move forward for you!! Hopefully you can find some peace in helping others and connecting with likeminded people. I am also new to this and am in awe of the people I have met on here already. 

It can be a struggle when your body is down and out. Sounds like you've been through a lot. Here for you

xx