Anxiety is high

[tyme]

Hey @BlueBay ,

We had a webinar last night on Managing Relationships. I was moderating, but the whole time I was thinking about you.

Once the recording is available, you may be interested in listening to it. I found the content so helpful and it may give you some guidance on navigating some of the challenges around your mum etc.

You deserve to break free from their grip.

[BlueBay]

Sounds interesting @tyme 

im at the point of not caring about myself anymore. I just don’t care. 
life is too hard. There’s too many things that cause harm; cause pain and distress along with my emotions heightened at the moment. 
life is too hard. But I think it will never get easier. 
im sorry im not good. Lots of self loathing and judgement. 

damn mental health. 

people tell me - “just move on. Forget your parents. “
this comment really gets to me. If only I could. 
Or people say “oh you look good” - if only they could see the intense pain hurt and difficult emotions deep inside. 

I need to do something to get rid of this intense anger and sadness. 

[Jynx]

Sorry I didn't get back to you last night @BlueBay I lost track of time!! 

That's so rough that he doesn't acknowledge it when you talk about your MH. There is something incredibly powerful and healing about feeling heard, held, and understood - and if you're not getting that, it's bound to leave you feeling pretty chock full of Big Feels!

I've been yammering on about this book recently, I wanna share it with ya - but of course, if you're feeling overwhelmed or low on spoons, feel free to engage with this later on when you're ready 💜

The book:

I'm about halfway through and it's pretty dang good - a very tough read for sure but it's been super insightful for me, getting to understand a bit more about why my parents were the way they were. Maybe it could be a helpful read for you too?

Here's an excerpt to give you a lil glimpse

[BlueBay]

Thanks for recommending this book @Jynx 

I know my parents are emotionally immature. This makes sense - never any hugs; never say to me “I love you”; never comforted me when I needed support. Etc etc etc 

all I ever got was screaming parents who would yell at my mistakes; ridicule me at times in front of others. Even in my 40’s I was treated like a child. Spoken to like I was dumb. 
never ever were they emotional close to me. 
you know fine days I wonder why u survived been born 10 weeks prem. my mum never came to hospital.  I was alone. How would i be loved? 

I will have a look at purchasing this book. At the moment I don’t think I could read it. 
what would she do if I ended up in hospital? Would my dad come to see me. I’m feeling desperate to try anything to see my dad. 

[Jynx]

@BlueBay Sounds like that has really stayed with you hun, llike this crystalising moment where from the get go, you have felt uncared for.

Yes do give it a go!! Whilst it is heavy in topic, it's also written in a really simple, nurturing way, which in its own way, kinda feels like being held, for me anyway. But yes, might be a 2025 endeavour, already so much emotional turmoil in this time of year!

So I'm getting the sense that you're wondering if a hospital admission might be the only way to see your dad? That's hectic hun. I'm sorry you feel pushed this far. I really hope it doesn't have to get to that point - sounds like there's no guarantee you'd see him? And I imagine it would be an entirely distressing experience overall! That said, if hospital feels like it would be also beneficial for you in terms of getting your MH needs met, then definitely worth considering!

[BlueBay]

no it’s not the mh hospital I want to go. 
@Jynx 

it doesn’t matter. It’s my terrible mind that is crazy. 

today I’m taking it slowly. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. Very tired. Maybe it’s this time of year. 

[BlueBay]

Day 5 of a constant headache 

Not sure if it’s this changeable weather 

supposed to be helping my son move tomorrow 

[rav3n]

hey there @BlueBay i definitely feel that the weather's been impacting my energy and mood, definitely possible it could be contributing to your headache. is it really hot where you are?

how are you feeling about helping your son tomorrow?

[BlueBay]

It’s been warm this week @rav3n 

but the next few days it will be mild. 

um - how do I feel? emotional, happy for him and his girlfriend. They are very excited. I’ll be busy with them but once I get home it will be sad. 
the emptiness in our home is terrible. During the week I’m so bad. 

both boys have now moved out in 2 months of each other. It’s a huge change that I’m struggling with. 
the loneliness during the week is bad. 

[rav3n]

@BlueBay oh wow those are definitely some big changes! totally makes sense that you'd feel that way, especially with house physically being emptier too. with big life changes, it can take some time to adjust and get used to the quiet so do take your time to process your feelings. 

it is very exciting for your boys though! moving out is a big 'adulting' step, and i hope you're proud of yourself too for getting your kids to that adulting milestone. but this is also a big step for you - you're entering a new phase of your life. new changes can feel scary at the start, but that feeling doesn't last forever. as you take your time to adjust, you can reflect on what you'd like to do with this new phase of your life. are there projects/hobbies/interests you've put off or haven't had a chance to get to in the past? perhaps now's the time to schedule them in?

and you can also visit your sons/invite them over too! do you have any other friends/family members you can lean on during those quiet times?