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Something’s not right

jayskette
Contributor

A crisis

Sister is in the acute mental ward apparently self harming. Mum has severe anxiety and believes that Sister is being mistreated or not looked after, and visits her for the entire duration of allowed visitors hours every day. Now her doctor, social worker and ward manager has told me that sister shouldn't have anyone visit or call until her situation stabilises. Mum also is ESL and goes back to her native language when stressed and that's why I am stressed trying to translate on the conf call. It doesn't help that the practice manager gets all defensive and accuse mum of interfering with their practice or sister's recovery. Mum keep on saying she is only acting as a concerned mum and needs to advocate for sister especially when sister manages to use the ward reception telephone to call mum several times bawling her eyes out asking why mum isn't visiting. In the absense of any concrete evidence of mistreatment I need to take the staff's word for it and need to convince mum AND sister that not visitng in the immediate future is doing her good, but we are not allowed to talk to sister, so it's mum begging me in native language over and over and over making sure that Sister knows that mum hasn't abandoned her, and I need to make sure the practice manager will say the same to sister. And mum's social worker called from the community outreach and I am suddenly on 2 conf calls and it's Friday night and I need to make urgent appointments to see the outreach tomorrow while I am in town, be mum's translator, sister's advocate.... help.

after the phone call mum kept on saying she visits at the allowed visitors hours and she isn't doing anything illegal. Took me ages to say the official medical opinion is not to visit her, in her best interest. then I need to explain why is there visitors hours then if only she's not allowed but other visitors are allowed to visit their patients....

So tomorrow, I need to make sure EVERYONE is on the same page. mum and I will go to the hospital, mum will see sister for 30mins max, and leave her my get well card and present. Then mum and I will see Sister's doctor/practice manager, and hopefully mum's concerns will be put to rest, then we will see the outreach social worker, so he can settle mum down and make sure her GAD doesn't escalate....

Update: now mum's going on and on about how where sister was found self harming wasn't in direct view of staff or security cameras so no one can help her in time if she is suicidual again.  She has also asked me at least once every half hour whether I can ring the ward up to get the nurses to tell her that mum isn't deserting or angry with her. Mum told me that she trusts the doctor's opinion but not the nurses or the ward manager's, and she is repeating it over and over. I really wish the nurses and the manager didn't use that adrupt tone of voice on mum in the first place, and not just say NO! and not explain why...

Mum was saying how shes failed as a mother and that is why we both have MI and that she was a devil in her past life to deserve such bad luck having a husband with MI and a frail old grandma to look after. I keep on saying she needs professional help but she wants to keep it in the family and only wants to umload on me or sister or grandma. I hate coming up to visit becuase i never get a break. coming up is a respite from my home life. home is respite from work. work is respite from home. and it is very obvious that in my family I am the only person that is capable of doing what everyone is asking of me but I feel selfish for not really wanting to, or at least helping on a part time basis and not having to be mums support 24/7.  She has been going on about selling the house and moving but with Sydney's house prices and sister needing to be near her health professionals and the potential cutting of the pension and carers allowance etc (which is the only source of income for the entire family) if selling makes it enormously difficult, as well as dad being schizophrenic and he won't let mum sell until he dies because it disrupts his routine. Now sister also wants to move. Dad's sibiings are of the same opinion as us, if they move and go back to mum's native country at least Dad's extended family will be able to look after all of them. So yes, need to deal with that problem too.

3 REPLIES 3
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: A crisis

Hey there @jayskette

Thank you for sharing your story on the forums. It sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment. It must be hard to mangage your own MI, and your mum's reaction to the treatment of your sister's MI. It is a lot for you to deal with.

I don't think it is selfish for you to say that you don't want to be the person that does what everyone asks of them. It is a lot of responsibility - and it is very difficult to maintain. It is good that you are doing everything you can though, shows a lot of strength.

I hope everything goes well today at the hospital,

Jac-in-the-box

pip
Senior Contributor

Re: A crisis

@jayskette. Perhaps a good place to start is to explain to Dr, social worker and ward manager that when mum is stressed she reverts to her own tongue. If your mum is having problems understanding English, yelling, losing tempers and abusing her is going to cause more angst. Perhaps ask Dr if it would be possible to get your mum and him/her to talk on a one on one basis. If there is only one person directly talking to your mum (with you as interpreter, if necessary), mum might understand exactly what's going on and she may relax more if she realizes everything that can be done for your sister is being done. Dealing with a schizophrenic hubby makes mum's daily life hard too. Also have a talk with the Dr treating your sister about your role in all this. Atm, you seem to be the main one everyone is dealing with. Your mum reverts to her native tongue, your dad is schizophrenic therefore he can't be of use. Your sister is unable to help because of severe MH issues. Is your mum going to try and sell before your dad passes? Even though your dad has schizophrenia, with proper treatment, monitoring, his illness is manageable. May I ask where you are originally from? Are your dad's family or your mum's family aware of everything you're coping with? Maybe have a talk with the Dr about getting some outside help. I would try firstly to get your mum a one on one appointment with the Dr to help ease her that your sister is being cared for. Mum is naturally suspicious, because she simply doesn't understand and the hospital staff get overworked so they get abrupt and everyone loses patience. It's quite a vicious circle that seems to be ongoing. You need to take time out too so you won't 'burn out'.
Jane9
Senior Contributor

Re: A crisis

Hi javkskette, that sounds very difficult and I wish you well as you navigate things with the hospital. They should always use a telephone interpreter service instead of using you to interpret. It's enough pressure being a family member without that and it's also best practice for hospitals so you might want to consider asking them to organise it through On Call interpreters or Telephone Interpreter Service, TIS. Good luck. Jane
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