Experiences please

[Beatrix73]

I am reposting here as i think ot is more relevant, sorry for the duplication.

I am strugglying with depression and anxiety and have been for 8 years. I was medicated and doingvwell but fell pregnant and stopped medication, Pregnancy for me means im at my healthiest bith mentally and physically so until bub arrived i was great.
My issue is the my mum who is an extrenely negative and judgemental person kept telling me id get post natal depression. Bub is now 3 months old and im strugglying and cant be medicated due to breastfeeding.
Sorry to ramble but my questionbis about trying to help loved ones understand this is not a choice... anong many other cruel comments the one that tipped me over from mum was wgen id invited them to dinner but was told she would only come if i "behaved".
Do i just cut her out? Or try to get her to understand? I cant put myself in that position anymore but do i have the right by doing thst to restrict the relationship between her and my kids (i also have 3 teens).
I have no idea how i would explain myself to her and my dad...
Advice and experiences please..

[Former-Member]

Hi @Beatrix73 Welcome and thanks for sharing your story!

I am sorry to hear about how hard it's been trying to manage your mums negative judgements towards you as a new parent, especially when you've been struggling with depression and anxiety without the usual medication for support. Famiy boundaries are so important when you're trying to tune in with your new baby - everyone has an opinion, don't they!? On top of that, you have three other teens at home to wrangle. You have a lot on your plate right now! I am glad you found the Forums to reach out for further support. Look forward to hearing more of your story. Take care, Mosaic.

[Beatrix73]

Im at a loss as to what to do which isnt helping my anxiety at all.

And knowing my mother thinks that little of me that she cant see how much hurt she caused really makes me wonder is it my bad parenting thats ruined my relationship with my parents and therefore my kids with their grandparents...

[Wisewomen]

I told my mother and father I was having a nervous breakdown.  My mother said be strong and my dad said how can we help you darling. Both are polish immigrants and survivors of WWII and a nation that was crushed in the war...they are survivors. I went on medication and the psychiatrist pointed out to me that my mother as the matriarch of the family is a practical person and isn't nurturing and that at her age she doesn't know or understand mental illness. Acceptance and peace in knowing they have been told was a key to it all for me. I am nothing like my mother who wears her heart on her sleeve and have a loving relationship with my daughter. When she makes comments such as "you look fat in that dress" instead of letting my blood boil I just calmly respond well I like this dress and think in my mind "whatever". BUT it did take me 20 years to realise this. 

Yes it's easy to cut off negative people but I believe that blood is thicker than water and if push came to crunch and you called your mum for help she would come running...family is family. It's also a good life lesson for your children to actually see how there grandmother is and think lucky us that mums got a positive attitude. Don't underestimate the power of observation in children.

If your dad is more maybe talk to him first so he can explain it to your mum. Distance may be an option instead of cutting out, restrict phone calls and visits to what suits you and your needs. I guess you just have to do what works for you and your baby.  I stopped breadt feeding at 3 months because of back issues...my daughter is now 16 and healthy as can be. Stopping breast feeding to go back on medication may be another thing to consider. 

Wishing you you all the best. 

[Beatrix73]

Thanks so much for your time.
During the phone call she told me she would only visit if i behaved i told her not to worry and hung up. I spoke to my dad that night about something else and mentioned that mum was upset with me he just agreed.
Considering we were speaking wveryday and i was taking bub to them at least every second day the fact i have not heard from them in 3 days sort of tells me they dont want to talk to me. Ive realised that i was always the one going to them... maybe they never really wanted to spend time with me. I am totally shattered and humiliated.
As for giving up breastfeeding, its one of the few aspects of mothering im good at and enjoy... i know its illogical but to give up that would make me feel like im giving up being a mum.

[Beatrix73]

Can i also ask how you explained it to them please?

[Appleblossom]

I have a different experience to @Wisewomen

I had difficulty with my mother at the time I was breast feeding.  I was committed to feeding and my mother made comments such as "I was not a cow".  I continued with the feeding over medication and dont regret it as I think it helped my daughter grow stronger within herself.

My husband would ask my mother to stay for dinner if she visited, which she usually did, but she would make quiet little digs at me .. about the food or the table setting, or kids table manners.

Unfortunately I let my mother in.  She is also quite a performer and very careful to indulge children in many ways. We were also grieving. I felt it important to allow grandmother relations as we did not have much other family and I wanted to be proud of my family. That we werent 2nd class citizens. Did I do the wrong thing.  Maybe it could have worked out. I couldnt cut anybody out, but I found out that my mother really was not trustworthy and determined in the long haul to punish and undermine me. She "loved" me in her way, but it was very partial and not related to my existence or well-being. 

I was very impressionable about our family's WWII stories. I now think they made more mileage of it than was honest given the circumstances my sibs and I endured. 

It is true earlier generations have different contexts and often struggled with less equipment than mums of today. I wonder if that is the main cause of discord between so many mothers and their adult daughters

It seemed my mother was jealous of the "ease" she thought I was getting.  She didnt take into account that I encouraged my husband and physically worked on our renovations, kept books, and never criticised his or her offerings.  Whereas my mother was convinced she was a true lady and put down my father and me, and most other people, as not good enough, even when we gave everything to her and worked to a degree that ruined our health. Her style of self esteem cost my family a lot.

Not sure what to @Beatrix73 maybe you need a little separation with small meetings, so that you can be clearer what your real situation is. 

Take care and be kind to yourself.

[Wisewomen]

Hi
My parents are practical people so i just went to see them and said i couldn't sleep, stayed at home and only went to work, was upset and sad all the time, found dressing myself and cooking hard, had pain from nerves in most of my body etc. Basically it was depression and that i just needed them to support me emotionally by calling me every week and saying i love you. My dad was the one who did this until he got sick with lung cancer and passed away.

If this is too confronting..why not write them a letter.

Its really not about them. Its about you telling them and feeling a sense of relief. How they accept or process the information is unknown.

I admire your passion to breastfeed however do explore options of medication you can use while breastfeeding. Its all a choice in life. You have to decide what is best 4 ur family. Im sure you are good at a lot of things so never doubt yourself.

Cheers

[Beatrix73]

Thank you. My parents are old school and although they knkw ive suffered depression before Mum has said things like "you just need to forget about it" they still think ita a choice. I personally believe my mum sufferers also to an extent but she blames others for her situation. Unfortunately I am a main one of those others.
I wish i couls get across to them how i struggle and telling me to behave actually does the opposite to my state of mind.