Need time to myself

[Appleblossom]

Yesterday I went to a rehearsal across town and then the pub. I like the group and it was good.

Today taking it easy at home.  Shopped, a little house work, should start doing dinner. 

[BlueBay]

Yeah @Appleblossom I am about to start cooking dinner.  Think I'll make a zucchini, potato and pea soup with bacon and pasta.  

Sounds like your weekend was nice.  It's good that you're part of a group that you feel comfortable with.

You know it's always nice being away from home, somewhere different; but as soon as I get home, it's like bang everything hits you in the face.  For eg.  yesterday before we left I quickly did a load of washing, cleaned the kitchen and swept the front area but didn't have time to sweep the kitchen.  So I left the broom in the kitchen and do you know what? - the broom was still in the same spot this afternoon when we came home.

It just annoys me off when I have to come home and still clean up after them.  They are all old enough to help out and I end up doing it.  I must admit my youngest son 20yrs old is so good, he will do a load of washing or empty the dishwasher without being asked; yet the older 2 are 'always busy' doing something else (so they say).  I know the other two work on the weekend but still I am sure they can still help out.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am stressing now tha the hosue isn't clean.  Oh well I can't do everything, so I will cook dinner and that's it.  It can wait until Tuesday on my day off.

Sorry bit of a rant there!!!

[Appleblossom]

My broom would be still there too. There is still that idea of men's work and women's work floating around. The best I have come to is that I cover the essentials rather than turn into a nag, but I do it in my time.   I am approximately cean and tidy, and sometimes whether I am cultivating dirt outside or getting rid of it inside ..eg garden or cleaning etc. I am over being house proud. I get to have good things in my life too.

[BlueBay]

Am I being selfish in wanting time to myself? Wanting my own space even if it's for a little while like a week in a mental health facility.  

Should I be home with my husband and children and just carry on like nothing is happening with my mental health.  And do I just try to sort things out in my head while I have to go to work and struggle daily? 

This is so hard; the hardest thing I have to do - is make a decision and I can't even do that.

I know I am the only one that can make that decision.

Because I always put everyone else first before me and now that I want to put me before everyone else I feel selfish, angry that I am even thinking of this.

Does anyone know the answer to this?  How to be happy with life and yourself?  How do you know if you are happy? What if I am not happy with myself and not even sure if I want to live?

So many questions that I don't have answers for  😞

[Appleblossom]

I think that women are usually socialised to put others first: husband, family and kids.  They dont often talk about empty nest syndrome with blokes ... cos even if they are decent fellas and hubbies etc .. they dont have quite the same pressures regarding love and care of others .. as women, though having said that I know some princesses are pretty selfish.

Take one step at a time. @BlueBay A lot of it is up to you.  Hospitals can only do so much and are meant for emergency situations.

I am a bit concerned that having a mental life is sometimes equated with having a mental illness ... ie that those who dont think have nothing wrong with them ... hmmm

thats just me

what do others think?

[BlueBay]

Hi @Appleblossom

I had a session before with my psychiatrist.  He wanted to know my decison reg. going into hospital or not.  Before I went in I wrote a pros and cons list of going into hospital.  I took the list in to show him.  He was impressed with my list and we talked about it.  I told him I need him to help me make a decison and he laughed, I started to laugh because I knew that he wouldn't decide for me, he wants me to make my own decisions.  After a little while I made the decision of NOT going into hospital.  I looked at my list and I would lose a week's wage (which wouldn't be good) and it would only be a week; which is not going to fix my problems.  

My psych told me that not even a few months would solve my problems.  He said I have chronic depression and BPD as well as issues with my childhood sexual abuse and issues with my parents abandoning me.

I told him that I will try to do this on my own and he replied that hospital is always an option and if I really need it for a crisis or if he thinks I need to go in he will admit me.

I am so glad that I have been so open and honest with him over the past few sessions.  I think now he finally realises just how I am struggling and he is so caring and he is very careful what he says to me in case I get quite angry with him.

So I left the session feeling ok with my decision, knowing that I have a lot of work still to do in relation to mhy self confidence, my self worth, my marriage, etc etc but I also know that if I ever need to go back to hosptial he will admit me.

He told me that he is proud of how I am going and dealing with my stresses but I can't seem to acknowledge that praise. I can't see myself as being proud.

[BlueBay]

I give up.  I had to go today with hubby to see his mum in the nursing home.  I didn't want to stay there too long as it was my day off and I wanted to rest a bit and do my own things as well.  We got there and then hubby says to his mum that next Sunday we will take her out to do some clothes shopping!!!  WTF I thought.  For a start he didn't ask me, he just assumes and wants me to go with him and his mum.  I don't want to spend the whole Sunday shopping for her.  She will take the whole day just to buy a few things.

I know I may sound like a real cow but I work 4 days and I want the weekend for us now.  I want to be able to spend time with hubby and the kids or even just myself.

So now, next Sunday hubby will pick her up and bring her home, she will collect more of her stuff from her bedroom and have lunch (that i will have to cook) and then take her to KMart to shop.  And there goes Sunday.

See this is why I want and need some time to myself.  I feel that now that she is in a nursing home the responsibility is more; the pressure is more now becaue we have to visit her and then take her out or bring her home and then take her back; and it's a 45min drive one way.

I was in such a bad mood this morning, so depressed that I need some time to myself.  I am now home, my daughter and I took our dog down the lake for a walk and now I am going to do some DBT homework my therpaist has given me. But the motivation is not there to do anything.

I think if I plan a break on my own in the next month or so, I will have a talk to my psych.  I am going away with hubby next month for our anniversary for 5 days, which should be nice.  But i still would like time to myself.

I wasn't good last night, chatted online with Lifeline.  I told them I had a plan to run away.  The person wanted to know my plan and I told them.  I told them I was angry and needed to get away.  They suggested I talk to my pysch and let him know of my plan to run away. They did help me calm down with my suicidal thoughts and self harming thoughts.  

I guess I better go and start some of this homework 😞

[Appleblossom]

Sorry  I havent responded @BlueBay I hope lifeline helped.

I have been heavily involved in a big performance with my son and not been up to date with posts.

Your approach with your psych about hospital was really grounded.  I am glad he will help admit you if you need, but you may also find some hidden resources within that you did not know you had.

Of course you still need time to yourself.  its probably like a sleep debt .. if you have been giving to others for so long ... it may take time to find out what you want to do with that time.

I knew a lady who called herself a cow ... I didnt like her talking about herself that way ...my daughter of a totally different generation ... used another C word ...  my all time horror word ... but she said that we need to claim our right to be who we are.

So I came up with my weird compromise ... expressing self authentically ... with some humour ... I often feel like a "bear with a sore head" ... and the first time I uttered it in choir it was a bit over the top .. but I am happier with being a "mare with a sore head" ... a bit more girly ... cant believe my girly side is coming out.

I hope the DBT homework helps.

Have you thought about a weekend away yet ... what you want to do.

Beginning of May I am going by train interstate to a music weekend workshop.  There comes a time when a woman IS WORTH IT ... treat yourself. What about a couple of weekends per year.   Go to a winery .. maybe not if on meds ... what do you like ... art photography???  If you meet some more of your needs .. it will be easier to meet nonna's needs.  She wont notice you missing a few days when you have been around so much.

[BlueBay]

Lying on the couch the sun is out but I have no motivation to do anything. I can't even go for a walk. Can't be bothered bored and feeling down. I wish I could just get up and go but I can't. ☹