Living with family estrangement

[Dimity]

I found this article interesting and insightful. Estrangement causes ongoing pain.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202208/five-ways-estrangement-doe...

[Sophia1]

Hello @Dimity 

I have seen you on some threads supporting; unsure which ones.

Possibly support @Shaz51 ?

Apologies I have some remnants still of post concussion.

I have known for some time the damage incurred from unhealthy family dynamics.

This is the first article that I have read referring to the aspect of the aftermath left behind after finding the courage to move away from such family control.

Most people assume including those who make the brave decision to move that it all improves from there on in.

I am not surprised by the findings.

The decision to move on usually takes decades and in some circumstances is still made with some lingering desire to try one more time to liaise sadly.

I would be interested to hear about your thoughts should you want to write about them.

Sophia

[Shaz51]

@Dimity 🥰

@Sophia1 and I are sitting with you my friend 

Very interesting link xx 

[Dimity]

Hello @Sophia1 

Thanks for your interest. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and have never articulated (or discussed or resolved) the trauma arising from physical and emotional neglect. I associate this with the aftrrmath of half-remembered sexual abuse when I was 3 1/2. Two of my sisters have c-ptsd. Despite our common difficulties my siblings and I never bonded. We further fell out when I was trying to care for my late parents (with no support) and three of my siblings and/or their partners asked me not to communicate with them or their families.  

The estrangement causes me ongoing pain, it remains uppermost in my mind. I've never been able to form close relationships and now find myself isolated with ongoing severe depression. I'd like to be able to heal the family dynamic as I see intergenerational trauma in some of my nieces and nephews.

Sorry for this outpouring. I can't reflect objectively on the issues as they're too close to the bone.

Dimity

[Sophia1]

Hello @Dimity and @Shaz51 

Dimity please do not feel the need to apologise to me for honestly opening up about such a vulnerable period of your life.

I want to reply to you at a time when I am able to focus on my response and what I would like to say to you.

I also do not want you to be left feeling that your response does not matter to me. It does.

For now I want you to know that I truly do feel very much for what you have experienced.

I will reply when I can allow myself time to dedicate to you.

In the meantime, please know that you are valued on these forums as I know our lovely @Shaz51 appreciates all of the support that you have given her.

Will be back as soon as I can.

Sophia

🙏

[Dimity]

Thanks @Sophia1 for your kindness. 

[Sophia1]

Dear @Dimity 

That is a very difficult upbringing that you have described.

These situations are unbearable to think about for those reading.

You are so very courageous and have written of your experience in a very delicate, as respectful as possible way.

Families falling apart and going their own ways is all too common which is tragic in my mind also. Many people cannot deal with their emotions and this forces them to pull back, away rather than toward and offer support.

As you are aware I have literally been excommunicated from mine due to experiencing a life on and off with mental health symptoms. Then for my son to dare have the mental illness that is still so stigmatised is just unbearable in my mother and sister's minds.

It is beyond me.

Your situation has a further, serious component that usually brings with it silence.

There are some extended family people in my life who have experienced this.

I don't think that you can heal the trauma yourself dear @Dimity 

Showing your love and listening to your nieces and nephews is a start and can possibly lead to opening new pathways of communication.

The subject itself might never be addressed between you but love, support and being a constant will mean the world.

I do understand your longing though at the same time.

I hope that you have support works in place that are helping you.

I also hope that you gain something out of the forums for yourself.

I know caring for your mum would have been so very draining and it is good to see the connection you have with our lovely @Shaz51 

You are a very caring soul @Dimity .

Whilst you cannot go back and change the past or the behaviour of others you can continue to be the loving person who you are.

This will open up new pathways when you are ready and open for change.

Please keep on being you and I look forward to hearing from you.

ps

I need to think more about the article.

Read it again and perhaps have a discussion about some elements that any of us feel comfortable with.

Sophia a new friend if you would like that

Sadly it is the turning away that enhances the trauma.

[Dimity]

@Sophia1 thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and offer of friendship,  both mean more than I can say.

You've given me a lot to reflect on and consider. I've been diffident about asking my gp to support another mental health plan but my psychologist did recommend it, and I'd appreciate the help. I've put in a lot of effort and feel closer to some of my family than ever before. We're not often in contact but it's good when we are. 

I'm sorry you and your son have been ostracised because of your MI. My MI affected my work and social relationships but the family dynamic  ran deeper. 

Until we speak again, stay safe, and have a very happy weekend. 

Dimity 

[Sophia1]

Thank you @Dimity 

Sadly the situation is a double whammy

I was ostracised for my own unwell mind.

I have been excommunicated by sister conniving with mother as I will not give up on my older son who has a serious illness diagnosed only by detainments.

They believe that he is making my mental illness worse??

The gravity of losing a son to psychosis and not being able to contact him is devastating.

Ceasing all contact with him when he contacts me is beyond unbearable.

Mother and sister have given up on me as a result.

So much for unconditional love.

Sister rings once a year on mum's birthday so that I get to hear her voice and hear her thank me for the large arrangement of flowers I send.

I feel as though it is a dutiful gesture.

I am then blasted at and an attempt made to put me back into my box.

She has not yet learnt that I do not believe in anyone being in any type of box.

Hence I am the rotten apple and sent to Coventry until next year.

I actually believe that she does not mean to be so cruel even though she is.

I think that she regrets it after. This is me always looking at people's actions from a different angle. Right or wrong.

No matter. Not my concern is hers.

I am pleased to here that you feel closer to some of your family.

I hope that this continues for you as we all deserve to be treated with respect.

Having this acceptance will spill over into other areas of your life and open up new opportunities.

Good luck

Sophia

[Dimity]

Hello @Sophia1 it's good you want to stand by your son and very sad if you can't contact him... it sounds as though he needs you and reaches out to you. I hope he's now getting the care he needs, involuntary admission can be very traumatic. It sounds as though your sister doesn't understand. Stigma just reflects ignorance. 

Annual contact is better than none at all, and the ritual of the flowers and phonecall at least keeps communication open. I've been hung up on and shunned at family gatherings, and haven't seen or spoken to one sister for ten years.

It must be very hurtful to lose touch with your mother.  My mother was emotionally unavailable but controlling. 

You must be very strong to have retained your sense of identity and selfworth against such pressure.  I admire you for that.

Take care

Dimity