Being real

[Alessandra1992]

@kristin
Well done for taking action in such difficult circumstances. Hope you and your girls have a peaceful evening tonight..such a tricky situation because you do care for everyone's wellbeing.
Fingers crossed your ex finds affordable housing quickly..

[kristin]

Thanks @NikNik @Uggbootdiva @Alessandra1992 

I really appreciate your kind and supportive posts. I know I did the right thing. I think even he knows that, but he's not admitting it.

This evening he is trying to do a number on my head (over the phone when he rang to say goodnight to the little one). He's not really taken responsibility for his behaviour - the most he said was he wasn't happy with what happened with our little girl! I didn't spit the dummy, tho I felt like tellinghim where to get off.

He started saying he is concerned about me and my diagnoses, and he thinks one of them is wrong, etc. He thinks I have depression (rather than bipolar) and PTSD, apparently. I felt like saying "hello, depression is a common part of PTSD!" but I didn't. He thinks he is such an expert because of working in the field running a drop-in/support centre for marginalised (often homeless &/or with MIs) people in St Kilda 20+ years ago. I felt like saying that I'm pretty well-read on this myself - and mine's current, but I didn't. However I think I will not speak to him if this is how he's going to behave, I could do without it - he's messed with my head enough.

I've realised a big part (not all) of why I have struggled so much with keeping the routines and boundaries which help things run more smoothly is because I am exhausted trying to hold his boundaries because he isn't apparenlty able to hold his own. It's exhausting. Tonight it was such a relief to be able to focus on the girls and getting dinner organised early, without any extraneous stuff. I know there will still be many days when I struggle but this is such a weight off me.

Kind regards, 

Kristin

[peace]

Hi @kristin Not nice stuff your dealing with hey. Honestly I reakon disfunctional relationships is a MI in itself. You've done really well by listening and respecting yourself and your children's rights and needs. That can take years of experience and learning. I admire your strength. I'm glad you are not alone. Bless you

[kristin]

Thanks so much @peace I really appreciate it. I am so pleased to hear that things are imroving for you too. 

Kind regards,

Kristin

[Rick]

@kristin 

Hi Kristin,

Well you've got reason for feeling acute. No doubt, no argument.

This man must leave, he is obviously in a DV cycle, and that ranslates as triggers for you and uncertainty for your kids. Where this man goes and how he gets there are no concern for you. Not anymore. Wherever he ends up will be his responsibility, homeless or not. Just reading a sample of his words it is obvious he is an accomplished manipulator. Ipso facto a trigger for you and a potential danger for your offspring. 

I can't stress enough Kristin, that his life is his own as are his actions  and decisions. Your home is a sanctuary for your kids and for you. A safe place. It needs to be be that way again.

Ypu are so kind hearted and you feel so much for others. These are traits that all of us should aspire to. And though kindness and empathy are gracious stay strong when it comes to this man leaving. You are actually protecting your loved ones and it doesn't get more pure than that. It doesn't matter the cost or if he will be alright , your rightful duty is to yourself and your munchkins. This is the thing we needed when we were young.

Better days will begin today as he leaves. You are owed.

It is heartening that you stood up to him as told him to leave the room. 

I'm sorry if this is all over the place, am having some cognitive issues and forming ideads is difficult ATM.

But know this,

I am praying  for you and your daughters. Please take be kind to you,

Hope endures longer when used 

Rick

[kristin]

Dearest @Rick 

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement!

I guess I didn't make it clear - I did tell him to leave the house that night after my youngest went to sleep. I wanted to calm down first, and also avoid a full blown raging argument which would have been very distressful for her and me (and my other daughter too). I managed that. Be assured he is not coming back, no way. I don't even want him visiting. I packed his clothes yesterday and dropped them off at a friend's where he's staying today (thankfully didn't see him).

I am trying to get some advice on whether I can stop him from having access. This frankly flies in the face of my long-held committment to ensure that my children's right to see their respective dads is upheld - whatever I feel about them. But this is different. I can see how manipulative and abusive he is - I agree with you Rick. He's been doing a number on my head for a long time, and my kids' heads too. I'm going to put a stop to it if I can. Either way it will probably be a long fight, which I'm not into. But years ago I told my older two I'm a mother polar bear - they are even more protective than a lioness. If I have to fight for them I will, but I refuse to fight over them.

Thanks for your prayers, I really appreciate them - and we do need them.

Hope endures, and never wears out... even when we feel it is wearing thin 🙂

Kind regards, 

Kristin

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest Kristin,

I am taken aback on your troubles.....

isn't Rick the coolest. I have noticed that his hope endures is taken up by you and someone else....... ( my mind isn't thinking who...)

like very much that good stuff goes into you.

I can only take in a few messages at a time so can really focus on them. thanks for showing me yours because I care about you. your messages are often open and about not you but both of you, you and the other: which is lovely.

These are my observations; what I may write might not be for you but what helped me when in a DV relationship. I apologise if they sound bossy......they are only ideas....

The most important thing here is you.
You direct your children and what you feel is usually right.
If you feel that he is manipulative, you are right and now you need to spend your time thinking of a simple little mantra just to get you through the next little while.... and sticking with it.
my little mantra was, 'stay safe. stay clean.' It just gets you through.
It can give peace to you instead of freaking out.

you know, I hate it when I'm being told what to do... or anything but honey, please do not see that I am but it's just an idea to get you through.

being homeless is HIS responsibility. It's not yours. He manages his Own Life.

If this helps hope it does. You've helped me a lot.

[PeppiPatty]

dear Kristin,

Agree with Nik Nik. But she, that's Nik Nik wrote clever while I'm a little more....um.....emotional.

Kristen, can you cut things down and only do stuff for your most important ? Would this be something you could do for only, say.....one month? Just see how it is?

Your valuable !




Just to let you know that my oldest son chose to move away from me when he was 16 years old and he flew over the other side of Australia. It almost destroyed me but in hindsight it was the best thing because he realised how important I am in his life and he listens to me while staying 'free.' On the other side of Australia.

[Rick]

@kristin 

Hi Kristin,

Just a lil check in to  see how you are travelling.

Have been thinking about you and praying and hoping that all is better. If not all then some. Some is far far better than none.

Am acute still myself, and life is a barrell of waxed fruit.

Still any victory is worth the effort. And I can appreciate the effort you have taken to achieve your most recent victory. And that is what is was. A victory. Something to be proud of. Yet again you break the pattern we were taught as kiddies. You were powerful and in charge and that is and of itself a small miracle.

That stats regarding survivors of developmental abuse are really negative in regard  to emulating those behaviours or allowing those things to happen to others. So it is a big deal to do what you did with your gentleman tenant.

You walked the line of compassion for as long as it was appropriiate to do so and when you needed to act you did. 

See, the difference for me is that I could not be that com[passionate. I am too jaded to take that chance. t's all or nothing with me. 

But you, you balance on the wire of righteousness, and it is a searchlight in the darkness for me. so very impressed by your humanity.

Hope you are getting there,

Hope you will be ok

Hope you have the support you deserve

And hope does endure

Rick

[Former-Member]

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