Being real

[Alessandra1992]

@uggbootdiva, please note you are not the problem! Small talk is difficult for everyone I think. Especially when it is not flowing easily..on the other hand small talk sometimes serves a purpose of gently building community without over sharing. Which I am prone to do..
I reckon schoolyard chats are the hardest to do!
I barely say hello to anyone...and I am carrying less stress because I don't need to enter mindless chitchat unless I want to..
Some parents are lovely but really, at this time of year I just want to be chillin'..

[kristin]

 @Uggbootdiva 

It's good to hear from you. Sorry you are doing it tough too. Yes so glad school is finished! Last night Xmas concert, I hate the Xmas jingles (can cope with Xmas hymns, tho they make me cry). But I made myself go and sit and watch and clap and praise and not lose it with my 6yo when she was running around like a mad thing instead of eating. I couldn't wait to get out of there but I did manage the small talk a little.

Today another story altogether tho! So stressed about end of year assembly that I accidently got there 1/2 an hour early (left home without teacher's pressie so have to take it tomorrow). Too far to go home again. Went up the road and bought bread at the bakery. Back to school. My daughter wanted to hang around but i was ready to climb the nearest wall. I didn't even wish most people a Merry Xmas - just a bee-line out. SO a big zero on the social scale and I'm so over it I don't even care at the moment. We had to wait for my elder one to get off the public bus anyway but I couldn't get her on her mobile and nearly spat it and drove home. Then I remebered there are 2 buses at that time (usually at least 1/2 hour apart), thankfully she was on second one (the mobile was flat - it had been in her locker overnight).

I managed to get home without shouting at anyone (growled a bit at my middle one, but relented when she explained), and to cook dinner at a civilised time. Then came into the study to hide out. My ex came and suggested I "make an effort" and read the 6yo her bedtime story. He wonders why I ignore him sometimes - like this. Make an effort! He knows I've been really triggered the last few days, we just discussed doing only 1 of the 4 things we'd been considering on the weekend because I can't cope with more than that. My 6yo can be quite needy and I struggle to read to her when I am very agitated. It also tends to agitate her too. So I am feeling really pissed off. 

End of rant, deep breath, try to sit up straighter and shrug the kinks out of my shoulders. Take care of you, try not to stress too much about the "social fail" why do those of us with MI have to handle all social situations with perfect aplomb? Not many others do!

Cheers, Kristin

[Hobbit]

Hey @kristin 

Wow, what a day!! You know, I'm so in awe of you...

PS - I agree with your last comment. When people with a mental illness get stressed like anyone else, it's like 'oh that's because of their mental illness'. Frustrating. It's just more stigma really.

I hope you have a calmer night.

Hobbit.

[Rick]

@kristin 

Hi Kristin,

This time of year is one of hi emotion for everybody. Mostly it's supposed to be a joyful thing. In reality it's just emotional. Up And down.

Foe me it's a very difficult time. This one the time of year that my birth mother when I was 3 left me at the adoption home. I remember so clearly the V,W. with the christmas stocking in the back window driving away never to return. Also because of the emotional levels of this period of the year it was a time when interrogation and torture were particualrly extreme.

I remember when I was a house bitch my Daughter and the end of school thing. So much to do, so many people you have to talk to, other parents, teachers all that school related stuff and it's a really challenging couple of weeks.

I would often just retreat outside when we finally would get home , with my ciggies and a book and try to decompress before dinner and the cleanup and bed time.

Sometimes it was hard to read to Ella.  And she did pick up on my stress. ONe book in particular would send me into a frustrated anxiety. Fox In Socks.

Those tongue twisters nearly broke me and in the end I ref\used to read that book as it just served to trigger bad sh1it.

My lil girl is now 12. Lives with her mum most of the time. I see her fortnightly for theweekend.

I went to her graduation  a couple of weeks ago. 

And this is the thing.

Tho she has struggled with the divorce and the fact that Daddy gets sick she got 6 A's 2 B's on her report card.

Been accepted into a maths and science academy at high school.

She is amazingly open minded and sensitive to others.

She is resiliient and very vry strong.

And to be honest?

i don't think she would have had any of these qualities without me.

Without my illness.

My ex would poke at me when we were married but I did well by my kid. And she was wrong to criticise me.

This sounds like the case for you.

She do your best. She children will have an extra understanding that many others will not.

They will probably develope in time an empathy which will increase their humanity to something beyond their peers.

And it will be because of you.

Be ing damaged is truly f@cked. But it developes coping and cognitive skills that others could nnever attain.

Remember that in the dark moments when all seems too hard.

Hopw endures my friend

Rick

[Ellie]

Hi Kristin. I've been following your posts and feeling your pain. I feel pain myself because there's no way I can physically reach out and help, but such is life in the forum I guess!

In fact I read as many posts as I can, but you won't see me reply all that often and simply because I know how easy it is to put one word out of context and the entire post appears like a slight to the person it was directed at. I'm sooooo conscience of doing so that it causes me lots of lost opportunities, but that's just how I am.

However, I'd like you and everyone else on the forum to know that I'll be thinking of you Christmas day and wondering how you're all getting on, or at least "through" it. At this stage I'll be working, possibly having tea (evening meal) with my sister and a friend up from Melbourne. I never see my boys or grandkids Christmas day. They do their own thing with my ex-partner of long ago and thier wive's parents. Remember, I'm seen as the weird one, so instead we get together usually on Boxing day to have a B-B-Q and let the little ones open their presents. If I have to work on Boxing day, I have to take time off to make an appearance at the B-B-Q, however this year my eldest son's wife is working, so they've conviently moved the day to the 27th just to suit her. To say I'm a little peeved would be an under statement

Anway, all the best to everyone and as somebody said in another post, roll on January 2nd

[kristin]

Dear @Ellie @Rick @Alessandra1992 @kato and others (sorry I can't remember who else responded to this thread) 

I am really struggling massively at the moment. Although Christmas Day was quite good - best I've had in over 40 years - I had a huge backlash a few days later. And it just seems to keep getting worse.

So what's been happening?

1. My son came home Xmas Eve to tell us his boss had sacked him from his apprenticeship without notice (but 2 weeks pay in lieu). Did it really horribly too by letter with his pay slip, not even having the guts to tell him to his face. Frankly my son's inclined to be relieved - pleased even - because he has copped so much abuse/bullying from this guy, and now he will be able to access the TAFE's list of employers looking for experienced apprentices.

2. After New Year my son went away to summer camp - something he has done since finishing primary school, and he was really looking forward to it. It will probably be his last year as he turns 18 soon. A few days later I got a phone call to say they were in the hospital with him having a severe case of tonsillitis (including vomiting and dehydration). Whilst on the phone with them the doctor came in with blood test results - he has glandular fever. I cannot help but feel this is at least partly caused by the terrible strain he has been under with work (both putting up with/standing up to his boss, and also not losing it and either getting aggressive or walking out).

3. The bullying from a business owner (which I've written about here) has continued to ramp up (with demands for more and more money) but in spite of my need/intentions/plans/determination I have been unable to even ask for the legal help I need. I am not even sure exactly why this is so.

4. I have been struggling more and more with self-care: eating meals, drinking enough, going to bed, sleeping, going out, showering, dressing, cooking, answering the phone, even going to the toilet. I am also struggling (as usual) with having the kids home, I'm at least as triggered by their noise as usual - perhaps a bit more so. I sort of understand a bit of what's going on but not fully. I am just feeling incredibly stuck. 

5. Yesterday I noticed a message on the phone. So I managed to listen to it. It was from ECASA. They finally offered me a counselling spot (I've been waiting 5 months since my intake counselling appointment), it will be a 3-4 hour round trip to attend (I decided not to go to their local outreach as I found that having physical separation from home helped when I did their TACT course in 2013, also there was a longer waiting time). When I called back and then heard from the counsellor who called me she told me the appointments she could offer me were different on alternating weeks. They would also clash with my ability to pick my girls up from school fortnightly (and potentially clash with my art classes).

I found myself having to say NO for self-care reasons! Last August I became quite manic, partly triggered by things like going for that intake appointment, and also art changing from weekly to fortnightly. I really need my routine, it helps to anchor me. The more it is disturbed the more destabilising it is. And I know that starting the ECASA counselling will be that too, at least in the short term. So I need it to be a regular appointment which doesn't clash with other things which are important for my wellness, like art and caring for my children. Saying no was quite heartbreaking, as I know I really need to do this. She understood and said I will stay at the top of the list but that is small consolation at the moment.

6. Yesterday I had a couple of really horrid somatic experiences - and I don't understand them, nor did I get much enlightenment when I asked myself what this was about. I won't go into detail but one of them feeling like something was stuck in my back passage, and the other was a persistent feeling as if my phone was in my breastpocket and vibrating intermittently (but it wasn't even in my pocket) this persisted until late last night. Yuck!

7. My therapist is not back until next week - it will be a month since I last saw her. I usually see her weekly, as I regard working on my mental health a bit like some go to the gym. It fosters my wellness. Usually I can cope ok with not seeing her every week, but so much has gone on over this break that I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I have got to the point where all I can do that seems to work much is self-soothe/distract myself by being on the internet and reading, or when that is too much then burying my head in an old version of Heroes of Might & Magic (with older clunkier graphics which aren't too confronting or over-stimulating).

Anyway that's me at the moment.

Hope, for moving forward on this journey, endures...

Kind regards,

Kristin

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @kristin..well I am not surprised how overwhelmed you are feeling..it is ruddy hard work when kids are under foot during holidays..and wanting to have fun fun fun whilst we are working hard at not becoming emotional reactions to all the extra stimuli..especially tough when your usual support via your therapist is not available..
So you know what I am going to say? Somatic responses in the body..hello twin! Me too only in different parts..I have to laugh at myself because I really do think it is my body finding its way to express the stress it is under..told hubby who said to get it checked out..but I refuse to until I have a chance to take it to my group..
Our minds are powerful powerful things and I reckon my various physical bits and bobs are due to stress and worry..
So I am just sitting with it (totally sucks but I don't want to go back to full blown hypochondria so I need to actively ignore disturbed thoughts or feelings) and keep practicing mindfulness..
I am thinking yoga may actually help me as I prefer a bit of gentle physical..
I think you are amazing Kristin because despite all of this going on, you have been here for us! Lady you so totally Rock!!
Hugs to you...you are heading in the right direction.. For if the rough road gets you there, and the smooth one doesn't, which road would you choose?

[kristin]

Hey @Alessandra1992 

Thanks for your thoughtful and heartening words!

You are right the somatic stuff is stress, but I have a sense it is also indicative of things I don't remember - as they connect to other clear similar memories. Very hard to explain, but I have memory "white-outs" form parts of my childhood where I am pretty sure bad stuff happened. I often have very clear memories of just beforehand, and even of looking forward to a particular event - and then the "white-out" memory vaccuum. I also know that other somatic stuff I've been experieincing for the last 35 years (including crippling sciatica) is now easily diminished or stopped by talking to the little girl who is still trying to hold overwhelming stuff. I have this odd thing happen where my conscious and subconscious seem to engage in memory matching to try and tell the things which have no pictures or words on the memories. I don't know if that makes any sense?

I know it is somatic, no point in going to the doctor about it. I will talk with my psych about it next Wednesday. I had a big breakthrough today - I am not right as rain now but heaps better than yesterday: I've got offered regular Friday morning appointments by the same ECASA counsellor. So I start next week. I am so relieved! It has been 5 months since the intake session. I know it will be hard, and even quite destabilising to start with, but I also know I am ready to work more actively and consciously on the sexual trauma.

Hugs gladly accepted! Thanks 

We are fellow travellers on the road less travelled, that is for sure (there is no other meaningful road for me). And on this journey...

hope endures!

Kind regards,

Kristin

[Alessandra1992]

Ooh @kristin that is great news re ecasa!! Thrilled to see they have been able to accommodate weekly appointments..
Totally get the links you're making...I had to do lots of work in similar space on forgiveness of myself....it wasn't my fault...good luck with that journey..tough and emotional but the peace of mind it brings is worth it..
I am I think worried about the future which sounds daft, as you can't change what hadn't happened yet but the transition to high school terrifies the bejesus out of me..I am however, reminded of let go and let god, and try to keep my focus on the present.. I can't control the universe, dammit! The universe will do its thing and I shall just have to feel anxious coz that is what I do..on other hand.no panic attacks so very grateful for that!!

[kato]

@kristin 

i think you are doing really well, all things considered, that is a whole lot going on, and you are showing your strength and determination, in amongst all this you have also been here on the forum, helping others as well, you are a remarkable person, i buckle at the smallest things, one day i can hope to be able to better cope like you, i know you might not feel it, but you do.

I don't know how to respond better, to everything you are going through

but you know that we all care and are all here for you also

Take care my friend

and don't be so hard on yourself