Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ginette]

Hi,  I am new to this forum and I am looking for some advice.  

I separated from my husband 3 years ago due to severe depression and other issues we were having at the time.  After the separation, his behaviour became very obsessive.  He was starlking and harassing me, scaring me and the children with his behaviour.  I ended up taking a Domestic Violence Order,  It did not stop his beahaviour and its only after 6 breaches that he finally stop (he did more but I only called in 6).  During this time, he was also contacting family and friends about us getting back together.  His speech is very delusional about what our relationship was (towards the end anyway), He has some delusions of grandeur as well, talking about how rich we were when we were together (which is not true as we nearly went bankrupt).  We have two children and he says to his family I am stopping him from seing his children which is not true, and when I try to organise for him to see his children (via other people) he says I just want him to have them so I can go out. We are divorce and he still sends me regular message asking me about going away together for the weekend and told his cousin we were on a "break" and our arrangement was that we could see other people.  He keep telling me to go do couple therapy we him..

I know for sure he has a mental illness.  He has been prescribe psychosis medications in the past by a psychatrist (i force him to see someone in the early days of the onsets of his symptoms) I need to know what I am dealing with so me and the children can understand the situation and accept his limitations.  I am really struggling emotionaly myself with some PTSD and it took me a lot to keep my head above water through all this.  I am writing today because I am still struggling with him not seing his children on fathers day although I really tried to set up a meeting.  My 7 years old was so excited to see his dad.  I dont know what to tell him,  The last time he saw them was in january and the time before that was probably another 6 months.   Its like they do not exist anymore.  He doesnt provide financially but he cant hardly keep a job and no job is good enough for him.  He was not like that before.  He was a good father to his first child who is now 17.  The onset of his symtoms was when he turned 40-41 and just after our youngest was born and it went downhill from there.  Not sure if its matters but he started taking amphetamines going out with people at works about that time.  I am told he doesnt drink alocool and take drugs anymore but that he smoke cigarettes heavyly (he was not a smoker)

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Jasminej]

Hello Ginette, I am also new to this forum so I'm sure others will have more helpful information for you. I'll give you my two cents worth anyways just in case it helps. Your husband sounds like my dad and similar to some ex boyfriends I've had. Diagnosing a mental illness esp a complex one can only be done by a psychiatrist. I think it's because there are so many elements to a mental illness. The actual illness let's say eg schizophrenia, the sub category for eg. paranoid schizophrenia, other disorders eg ocd, depression anxiety and psychological things such as distorted thinking patterns. And then on top of that it's varies according to the individual and the personality and environment!! With my dad I self diagnosed him as a lot of things potentially including being a manipulative person most probably because that has always worked for him. I read a forum about narcissistic personality disorder and that seems to fit a bit of my dad and most of my ex. Essentially my conclusion is that rather than trying to diagnose a person, it's best to identify the type of behaviour he displays and make sure you don't get drawn into it. Eg is very nice and helpful and then starts controlling, so I've learnt to keep an emotional distanceand give up on trying to get him help or change him. Your children will probably need to learn similar techniques. I'm sure there are guides out there on how to address mental issues with kids.. Maybe a Google search? The other thing is to try and get your husband to see a psychiatrist, obviously without approaching him, maybe hinting to friends who'll pass on the message? I'm not sure. The main thing is to look after yourself first, keep a distance from his issues that allows you to be healthy. Also congratulations on separating! My mum stayed with our dad and ours lives for the most part were hell and we are still suffering.. In my 30s now. Re not seeing his children: watching the behaviour and suffering because of someone's illness is heartbreaking, but it's important to remember that the person with the illness is probably suffering just as much in other ways. He hasn't not seen his children because he dislikes them or does not want to be a part of their lives. It sounds like he can hardly keep himself together. You on the other hand, have tried your best to organise father's day. Please do not see it as a failure by you. It's a success that you were able to attempt such a thing despite your own issues. I would liken your husbands absence due to mental illness as similar to someone who is working overseas and can't get away. He might have wanted to be there but he couldnt because his illness has blocked him and prevents him behaving normally. Accepting that your loved one is not going to be part of your/your kids lives in the capacity that you hoped /expected /assumed is part of the journey of mental illness. It's hard but you will get there 🙂

[Ginette]

Thank you for your response.  You are right about the various elements of the mental illness.  I guess that why I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is.  There is so many behaviours which can fit so many categories.  I love your idea to concentrate on specific behaviour and our response to them.  I will write a list of what he does that upsets me or the children and have a prepare response for each of those behaviours.  This will prevent me and the children from getting too emotionally involved. 

I also like how you compare his illness with working away.  I will definitely look into working a speech for my son in that line of thinking. So far I told my 7 y/o his dad was sick but not like sick with the flu but sick in the way he is feeling, that he is sad most of the time and this make it hard for him to do things. But I don’t know how to explain the delusions.  My 17 years old already understand this as he knows his dad from the time he was ok.  He has now created his own method of coping with his dad and it is avoidance, which I hope won’t get reflected in his own relationship patterns as he growns into a man.  I do hope I will have given both enough love and affection to grown into well balance humans.

His family has tried to get him to seek some more help but he refuse to admit he has some mental issues.  His mum had quadruple heart by-pass surgery last year and he did not even called her after the operation.  The doctors were trying to contact him and we wasn’t picking up his phone either…. IIts like he has completely lost touch with reality.

[Pebbles]

Hi @Ginette welcome 🙂

@Tiredmum talks about her experience with her husband and the mental illness he lives with here. 

This is a thread titled Ups and Downs of Husband's Mental Illness which can be found here. 

I wonder if anyone has anything they could add to our new members thread @Former-Member @Shaz51.... community? 😉

Great to have you here @Ginette and thatnk you for your response too @Jasminej 🙂

[Shaz51]

Hello @Pebbles 

Hello @Ginette, @Jasminej and welcome to the forum

Like to  say you are not alone my friends , My husband has been diagnosed with a lots of things including inherited Depression , bi polar 11 , GAD, SAD, and many more

His seems to go around in cycles , gets controlling at times , then correcting me on what i say , we have ups and downs everyday , he hates changes

I have 4 step children who are all adults now and the children wonder when they father will try to end his life again , he has tried a few times and then ended up in hospital

we are here for you

[Jasminej]

Hi @Ginette, I'm sorry to hear that your ex husband has become so distant. I hope that somehow he comes around. Fingers crossed.
I googled 'explaining mental illness to a child' and it comes up with many websites. Most of which I presume is based on professional advice. It's probably the best place to look other than an actual child psychologist or gp. Let us know how you go.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Ginette, @Jasminej, how are you today , have been thinking of you

[Ginette]

Hello!  Shaz51  I am much better.  The father’s day evens as somehow brought me down but I seem to have got back up stronger.  Writing on this forum really help me to find a method to cope.  I realised how lonely I have been throughout all this and there is just enough yours friend are willing to hear you talk about that’s stuff…I still have not yet decided how to open up a discussion with my children but I am still  looking into it.  Somehow, after father’s day,  after being down for a few days, I woke up one morning and just simply felt better.  What I realise is I have finally made the conscious decision to stop trying.  I felt guilty not to try.  I felt If I don’t, I will be seen as I have not done enough.  But I have.  And I have two beautiful children which are better off without the biological father at the moment (not that I found a replacement!  It’s hard to when you have so much to do and carry so much baggage).  I have also decided I will find a place where I can take the kids and discuss this with other people who are going through this so they understand it’s not a personal thing.  That other kids have similar issues with a family member.    I am not sure yet where I could find a group in Brisbane.  Any idea? 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Ginette, wonderful to hear from you my friend

 I am not sure yet where I could find a group in Brisbane.  --- I am not sure as I live in far north queeensland but the Moderators and our community mangers might be able to help you there

I have tag them to reply to you , @Pebbles, @Lauz, @NikNik, @Lunar, @Scout, @Former-Member

[Lunar]

Hi there @Ginette

Grow Australia runs groups all across Australia, they list them on their website but easiest to give them a call to see what the focus of the support group is in your area:

Grow

1800 558 268

https://www.grow.org.au/

Lunar 🙂