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Goddards
Casual Contributor

What do we do>

Our son is now 40!!

At an age of 15 he started drinking. This we did not know, how and when till last year when he admitted he would bunk off school drink with his friends all afternoon and then be back at school where I picked him up with his brother. No he didnt smell of drink they were very careful

At 17 it became obvious that drink was a problem, my husbands few bottles of alcohol would disappear,( I dont drink I cant as I have a fructose problem, my husband drinks on high days and holidays,) along with other things. I got in touch with AA in Scotland because thats where we lived at the time. They suggested they sent someone along just to talk to him. So I talked to him and suggested this, he exploded!!! 

He then left home, drink, drugs, dancing all night. I would go over to his flat he shared, and take food and make sure he was OK. He went to UNi in England, I would get phone calls from the uni saying he had collapsed they didnt know what was wrong, so I would drive the three hours to see him and sort out what I could. After a year he met a girl and they moved back to Scotland. The relationship apparently was the one, but it was abusive on both sides!! It ended with her pregnant and an abortion.

This seemed to be the pattern for years to come, suggesting he needed help just brought on the extreme anger. We were helpless. 

My husband lost his job so the next job was Korea, then Singapore, then China. To make sure he was safe while away for those years we put a deposit down on a flat. He met another girl got engage again for the third time, they sold the flat, gave us our deposit back and travelled the world on the money made!!! How stupid were we!!! Mid journey she tells him its the end. They go back to the UK she to Scotland him to England, he tries to commit suicide. We get him over to Australia where we are now living. We get him into UNI as it was the only way to help him stay in the country as he was then about 35. He meets another girl, this time they marry. Three years on she leaves him he tries suicide again.

We get him to where we live now as he then has lost his driving licence, so for three years we cope again!!! His drinking, his anger, his abuse. We suggest a psychologist which the doctor recommends again!!! This psychologist says nothing wrong!!! We know that people with a mental disorder can fool people, as a neighbour we had at the time says, a well respected psychologist. He helps me with my little business dealing with renovating furniture and a shop that I set up to sell beautiful renovated pieces and oddments!!! He enjoys it, but he drinks at work, and we try to tell him not to do that as the customers can smell it, anger at us again, unbelievable anger!! He meets another girl and marries again, they now have a little boy of 16 months. So we think at last he is stable. He had moments with her when she would come over to us, as they lived in a barn conversion on our property no rent, no heating costs etc, to help them both. She is pregnant and he has put his fist through a door!!! This happens all the way through the pregnancy and to make it worse her mother wont have her stay with her!! they get married without his siblings as by now not one of them will be near him!!!

Then we decide at this stage time for us. We are now in our 60's and need to look after us at last. So plan a trip for 6 months to europe in a camper van. First month there the abuse starts!!

The story long, but needless to say nearly every other week away we got abuse in one way or another threatening my husband violence when he sees him, saying I am poisonous, I have a problem passed on by my mother!!! We are banned from seeing him, seeing our new grandson. He threatens to sell some of our belongings on ebay for $1, things that are family treasures to be passed on. The only little bit of family treasure we have!! 

Now nearly a year later, its still the same. He said when I was in France that I was not to come back to the business threatening violence, so my little busines taken from me. I was too scared to go near the place.

Thankfully he has left the area, but the business doesnt exist now, he ran it into the ground. I dont have the energy to start again. So we have our house on the market to get out of here, We cant take anymore, sometimes I am frightened for my life, you hear of stories of sons going back to do harm, well he has threatened it. We went to the police at one stage to ask for a restraining order, his wife asked if we could hold off til they returned from their holiday to India!! So we did, and its started all again. We ask to be left alone, he then deletes our emails, saying not read, and then in th next breath we get more abuse. Yesterday again. Accusing me of spreading lies in the town we live. I dont go there anymore, we are somewhat house bound now. We go to the cinema, go and do our food shopping and thats about it!!! Praying the house sells quickly but being in the countryside not so easy to do.

I spend time, looking at how I have been, looking at old photos to try and remember how it was when he was a child. I honestly cant find anything wrong, we loved them all, we made sure they were always safe, good schools, lovely houses and places, friends round all the time, birthday parties, holidays, we listened to their worries, we cuddled, we read, we did everything that caring parents do. Maybe I missed something.

So please is there anyone out there that can tell me I am not mad, I am a caring mother and always have been because at this moment in time, I feel devastated.

6 REPLIES 6

Re: What do we do>

Hi @Goddards 

As carers, sometimes we can do too little, and sometimes we can do too much. It's hard to find the balance. When caring for someone, it's so important to know your boundaries, and set your limits. Without these, you can both enable unhelpful behavior, and have your limits pushed.

You sound like you've been incredibly patient, caring for your son. I wonder who's been caring for you?

You might find this discussion helpful, and this discussion started by @olmate who was feeling at his 'wit's end' caring for his daughter.

I wonder if any of our other members can provide some advice @annie1268 @Louise and @3forme ?

 

Re: What do we do>

Hi @Goddards ,

I won't go into too much personal detail, but reading your post reminded me somewhat of the person that I used to be. It's a really hard situation, and you and your husband have really gone through a great deal of stress, sacrifice and turmoil.You say you haven't done anything wrong and you're asking if you're mad. Well, I can say this - from reading your post, you haven't done anything wrong, and you're definately not mad. As you said, you're simply devastated.

I think when kids go off the rails it's a natural thing for the parents to questions themselves as to where they went wrong.But you know what, people will sometimes just do things just because they do. It's as simple as that. It's nothing to do with how you were as a parent, and from what you wrote in your post, it seems you were pretty good parents.

I can see there are many problems going on here, and I'm not one to diagnose anything, but from what I read, the underlying and consistent factor here is alcohol.

I'm thinking that Family Drug Support could offer you some really good advice. Basically this is an organisation for family members of people with addiction problems.You can see their website with all their contact details by clicking here. They are a really good organisation. It's national, so it won't matter where you live.

I also have a feeling that the wonderful @PeppiPatty or the equally wonderful @olmate @kristin @kenny66 might like to give you some kind words.

Basically @Goddards you have friends here. It sounds like you really need some support, and this is certainly the place to get it!

Keep posting

Hobbit.

Re: What do we do>

It is very difficult to know what to do when a son or daughter goes off the rails. The conflict between parental nurture and responsibility conflict greatly with self preservation.

I come at your situation from the other side of the story. I had very abusive violent parents, one of whom gave me out to her boyfriend for sexual exploitation over a long time.

You know, I loved my parents and my sister and it took a long time before I realised that what was happening to me did not happen to everyone and I wasn't to blame.

I never talk about it but your situation needs some insight and you need support.

I took off from home as a young kid because it was to a stage where I probably would have been terminated.

What preyed on my mind was the fact that they could have talked themselves out of a serious criminal charge by my sister, mother and father conspiring some sort of accident story for the cops, as child abusers often do.

Anyway the point of the story is self preservation is everything and persons safety outweighs familial responsibility.

It doesn't mean that you don't still love or have affection for an abuser, many people do even under the worst circumstances, but you have to look after your own safety first.

As far as whether you are at fault, well you know my opinion, its never ok for someone to be an abuser no matter if its your son or anyone else for that matter.

I used to think I was crazy to question what happened to me because I thought that's what happened to me happened to all little boys.

So I think you should not stress over the issue of bad parenting-nothing deserves being treated the way you are.

I came to the realisation that some people are just bad and mean and maybe your son is just not a good person-food for thought.

I dealt with my situation by running away from home and got rid of all the stress in my life-I cut all contact with the abusers. Occasionally I check they are still alive but that's as far as the relationship goes.

Put yourself into a place where you are comfortable and happy, removed from anything bad. Thats my advice and that's what I would do.

AVOs don't mean much but I would talk to the cops about their suggestions. That's what I did when my father used to stalk my house threatening abuse.

The cops visited him at his work. He was so embarrassed he never staked me again. Sorry to be harsh but I have no time for abusive men.

 

Re: What do we do>

Dearest @Goddards,

I was reading your story and lots of things were running in my mind but then I saw that @kenny66 has written and ......well........
Personally" he is right there .
@Hobbit has read your story
@CherryBomb.

Wow, that's good.

How are you today?
I was thinking when I was reading your story, you lovely precious lady ........
that with everyone's help, we could rewrite what you have written and put your son in control of the story........make him the 'first person,' and then re write it as putting you as the first person and see what rings the most true for you because it seems like to me, yOu have been doing all he good stuff but there's no time for you.

Putting You in control of your life. Your one chance in life.

what would you like to do right now??

when my two children became ' adults,' I worked really hArd for them to become that and I know that when they turned 18, I cannot help them manage or plan their own lives. I was severely burnt out and very tired. I was fortunate enough to have family. My youngest son lives with my Mum (Still) and my oldest son lives other side of Australia. He speaks to me brothers.

but @kenny66 didn't have that. He has had to manage everything for himself. He has a trustworthy friend, he has a friend or two he can lean on, he has managed his life on who can he trust.

Don't worry, I have had to swallow more than you can imagine in my family spreading around to all their friends I'm not good enough, for a few years. They were making up stories on me stealing my sons stuff and whatever, I just went to therapy and kept myself safe there. It was really really hard but Needed long term help with my children. I have brought my children up well, they both have good foundations. But I am vulnerable now I need time for me.

My son was drinking at 15.

There is no need for you to feel helpless anymore.
Would you be interested in rewriting your story ?

Because dear Goddards, you haven't missed anything. You have done all the right things.

Re: What do we do>

Yes it would be good to rewrite.

As much as we try, he fills our heads. Last night I had one of those dreams that wouldnt finish!! He had gone off with another woman leaving his wife and child. I kept asking him where his wife was over and over, in the end he said with her gran, well she doesnt have a gran. I met her in my dreams and said you are more than welcome to come and live with us. Then the real thoughts came into the dream. We are selling our house, and moving away from Tasmania. We want to travel for a year and get our heads in the right place, at 63 and 65 think we deserve our time now, so in the dream the mind is saying no you cant give away your future again!!

Do you think the brain is trying to tell me something!!

Probably!!

Thank you for all your writings and help. It is wonderful to know that there are some very special people out there who care. I have nearly lost my caring streak, but know when push comes to shove he hasnt taken that away from me, I still care, cant help it!!!

If I can help anybody out there, I am here.

With love.

A.

 

Re: What do we do>

Dearest @Goddards,

So.......wouldn't it be good not to have your son filling your brain up....?.how could we stop this???
the idea that struck me....when rereading @kenny66 story...shocking and traumatic is that he has found his true feelings for his parents. so mature.

What are your true feelings for your son??? I believe.....anxiety.
And I truly believe that you do have prophetic dreams. He is in your brain......well why not ?

Dear A, my name is Anne. I'm just another 47 year old with the usual neurotic dreams that all has. But many years ago, not really many years, 10 years ago, my life was very very out of control and I also had prophetic dreams. It helped me. I guess. At the time , I was a little psychotic from stress and............the dreams helped me.

My suggestion is to keep on rewriting your original story.
Make your husband and yourself the heroes. Uf,I have time, ille also do it ;0)
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