Struggling to be

[Appleblossom]

I started singing in choirs only 7 years ago though had done a little study in my unfinished BMus.  Mainly I saw it as a therapuetic outlet that encouraged me to vocalise .. I recently had a post with @Neb about the times when I could not speak.  it got me out of the house where I also "worked" as a piano teacher and has become my main outlet as I cant play too much piano cos of of bad neck. Is good for posture, socialisation etc.It has been good as I used to be tongue tied.

Definitely prefer Russian Romantics on piano  We have a gorgeous accompanist from Moscow nobility.  These Frenchies are just a for 4 months, it is interesting how much jazz was in Paris in the 1920s and permeates the music. Oh and Saint Saens is in the program too, so I get a good sense of French lineage in music which is a great addition to all the French psychoanalysis I used to study. Never did history so filling in the gaps..

I guess my new choir is pretty full on and I am eagerly lapping it all up ... more .. more

No awkwardness... too old for that now.

[Aonaran]

I hear ya, @Writetopeople

I notice your post is gone from the thread.  If that's a sign of your feeling discouraged, then I apologise I wasn't quick enough with a reply, and I hope you'll come back to chat.

Yes, I can relate to your feelings -- I know in myself it can be really tough.  I think of this aloneness as a search to connect with one's Tribe, and the loneliness as the sign that it matters to our being.  Responding to that urge for connection, of course, means finding them in the first place and recognising them for who they are.  And I know from experience we're not all born into our Tribe.  It's tough that we're not, and that it becomes our life task to find them.  Some people don't have to look very far, some people never look beyond their own horizons and seem to settle for those who happen to be around them, only to realise later in life how alone they are, and for others (like us, I guess) it becomes one of our life's primary journeys, to find our Home.  For many of us, there's a good chance it'll have no ending.  At least, that's how it's been for me.

And I think our lack of Home makes other people uncomfortable, and some (most?) people really aren't up to talking about it, probably because they just don't know how.  I think the yearning frightens them.  Some want to comfort us out of it (and smother our yearning under emotional blankets), some get angry with us because they don't know how else to change our talk, or even to help us find what we're seeking.  Do they mean well?  Do they really have our interests at heart?  Or are they making things easier for themselves?  Honestly, it's hard to tell.

Your post put me in mind of the Tarot card Death, at least in one respect:  people unfamiliar with Tarot assume it must carry the literal meaning, the end of physical Life, but it's really a sign of transition, the end of a phase or perhaps a view of ourself.  I'm wondering if your thoughts of Death can be seen as a yearning for something to change?  Please understand, I'm not trying to tell you what to think, nor to contradict anything any professionals you may be working with might say.  But Death is a pretty potent metaphor, and many wise people hold that it doesn't always mean the obvious.  I'm thinking that might be worth your exploring.

Please stay with us and talk.  I'd like to hear more of what you have to say.

Kind regards,

Aonaran

[Appleblossom]

it might have been mods asking it to be changed .. we get used to that ...

but please stay and write to us on the forum @Writetopeople

[Aonaran]

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@Appleblossom wrote:

it might have been mods asking it to be changed .. we get used to that ...

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I don't.  As it happens, my reply was delayed because a Mod felt something I'd referred to was potentially a trigger.

[PeppiPatty]

Hello @Appleblossom
@Aoneon

I've been reading your oh fab messages. Can I push it a little further though ........
'Making people uncomfortable and you write anger and wrapping blankets ....'
Those 2 emotions are the only range in emotions that many many people only have.

Compassion and empathy and gracious listening, silent love...... Is not

[PeppiPatty]

Sorry..... Not that name but @Aonaran to last message ...

[Aonaran]

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@justanother47yr wrote:
Hello @Appleblossom
@Aoneon

I've been reading your oh fab messages. Can I push it a little further though ........
'Making people uncomfortable and you write anger and wrapping blankets ....'
Those 2 emotions are the only range in emotions that many many people only have.

Compassion and empathy and gracious listening, silent love...... Is not

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Hiya @PeppiPatty Anne,

You put it so well. 😉  Yes, I think you're so right.  (I personally would add patience and curiosity to your "not" list, if I may.)

I find dealing with such people very hard to negotiate, especially when the other person gets angry and apparently feels entitled to tell me off, and I want to say, "No, stop!  the problem here is your limitation, not mine!"

I'd be oh so happy not to have had this kind of strife in my life, and I imagine a lot of others here feel the same.  Because people who don't have to confront these feelings are like houses with rooms that no-one's ever been in and where no light has ever been switched on -- many times they don't even know the room is there -- but it's like one less room they have to clean and paint and furnish.  They can simply say, "There's no such room", and it becomes the other person's problem by default.  I imagine that would be easier, never having to question oneself, and leaving the People Who Contemplate (i.e. Us) to figure it out.

[Appleblossom]

Sorry to presume with a "we". @Aonaran But it is part of my back to joining the human race, if everybody else is allowed to use "I", "you" and "we" then I need to start using those words as I am part of the human race too. I am open to other people clarifying their positions and hope the same is extended to me..

I thought the poster had left an email address and was asked to remove it. I am sorry they have not posted again because what i read was generally fine.

I am too used to being ignored and in a vaccuum .. so I guess I take the mods' interaction as a positive and am mostly happy to oblige, rather than feel offended.  We are all different. Though their are some things that upset me about the limits of what we are allowed to post.

[PeppiPatty]

Yes. Agree dear @Aonaran and @Appleblossom
And here I am in love with someone diagnosed chronic paranoid schizophrenic.
I usually say to such persons with narrow emotional lives ; oh ..... It's better to be neurotic than psychotic and honey you gotta be one of them and ...... It's sometimes not too bad being psychotic either.

[Appleblossom]

AAhh just a few capital letters gives some dignity ... to People Who Contemplate. I am embracing my loner and anchorite these days.

I also feel homeless very often ... thought I should just go and leave house to my son etc...and smothered by emotional blankets at times .. I realise I dont have a big repertoire when it comes to discussing emotions as nobody has ever tried to talk with me about things .. I am interested rather than dogmatic and struggle to be all the time.  I have looked at lists and subscribed to newsletters about empathy and normal psychology ... verbalising feelings are not my strong point .. so I see an area for growth ...

Struggling ... What kind of emotion is that?