Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jezza]

My brother, who is in his late 40's, has suffered from mental illness for many years. He has hidden a lot of his life from his family, but recently revealed that he was abused as a child...and that many of his struggles later in life result from this abuse. Addictions, bulimia, depression, anxiety......He has seen various psychologist and psychiatrists over the years. Recently, a new psych seemed to be making a difference in his life-helping him talk about his past abuse. We felt like it was a breakthrough of sorts. However, he has now withdrawn even further. Whilst he lives independently, if it wasn't for my parents, this would not be possible. They asssist with his business, clean his house, try to assist with getting him to appointments....Listing what they do almost trivialises the amount of time and effort they devote to him. They are now elderly and I can see the strain it puts on their marriage and their health. My father in particular would love to travel, but feels that he is being selfish for wanting a break. In addition to worrying about my brother, I worry equally about my parents. Whilst I know my brother appreciates what they do, he gets angry at them and tells them they aren't supportive if they gently push him to attend appointments. I don't believe that the expensive psych visits are helping him move forward-they seem to be justifying his responses without giving him ways of moving  forward. I feel like I need to do something....my parents are too scared to change the cycle for fear of him commiting suicide....and I can't see my brother getting any better or wanting to try anything different. The concoction of drugs that he takes has to have an impact on his mental health....but suggesting that he detoxes would drive a wedge between us. I honestly believe that he needs to go somewhere, away from his current lifestyle, detox and start again. I would love to hear from anyone who has been through a similar experience. I keep hearing that sufferers of mental illness need to talk....that is all that is happening. Talking. Nothing is changing. I am so worried that he will do something to himself, or that one of my parents collapse under the stress......then whoever is left will blame themselves.....Where to from here?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Jezza

Thank you for sharing your story which I read with great interest. It is nice to meet you and extending a very warm welcome to Sane.

Myself and husband went through similar with our daughter for 6 years. What we found is - nothing would help her until she came off the drugs and helped herself. It seemed the more we did for her the worse she became, was quite disrespectful, very depressed, demanding and abusive to us. It was taking a great toll on our own physical and mental health. She attempted suicide quite a few times - once near lethal. It's a miracle she is alive and we were always concerned she would do it again. She was sexually abused whilst out of our care, bullied and became involved with the wrong people and also in a severely abusive relationship. I so feel for what your parents and yourself are going through. We went through hell.

Unfortunately nothing will change unless your brother comes off the drugs. He has to make that choice. We had to step back from our daughter and let her stand on her two feet and work through it. We gave her "no money" because she was addicted to drugs. We did not bail her out of financial debt. We had to stop enabling her. It was the only way to help her to become more responsible for her health and life.

This can be very hard to do emotionally - actually it is soul destroying to watch. But tough love was necesssary. She has now after 6 long years at 21 turned a corner. Is no longer taking drugs, has moved out of home and stands on her own two feet. Her outlook on life is improving. She still has a way to go but has taken a step forward and now respects and loves us. A big turnaround which at one stage I did not think possible. Her mental state once diagnosed with bi-polar, PTSD and BPD has stabilised.

Perhaps your parents could see a counsellor who could help support and guide them "in stepping back" from your brother, whilst still letting him know how much they love him. He will kick and scream and emotionally threaten - but they will need to stand firm.  It is most important that your parents do not make their son the centre of their lives. Most important that they start to live their own life, personals goals and interests etc for balance. They can still be there for their son. Please encourage your parents "to go on that holiday". They deserve some happiness and support too. Your brother is unwell but is an adult whom needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, "learn from his own mistakes without being rescued", in order to grow and move forward. The more he does this and faces it himself - the stronger his mind will become. Your parents have done all they can and it isnt working (which is what we were made to realise), which is all any loving parent can do, and there is nothing to feel guilty about whatever your brother decides. Please reassure them.

What also may help us to google support groups for Carers of those who are mentally ill and struggle with addictions. There are groups in my state that encourage the above (supporting each other in "tough love").

It can involve risk but your brother is self destructing already and not moving forward the way it is. He is slowly committing suicide. If he feels the full brunt of his addiction and the consequences on his own this may be the wake up call he needs to be forced to make a choice and deal with his pain and mental health issues in healthier more responsible ways through necessity. It's ultimately up to the individual to make this change. Baby steps. Hope that has helped. Others may come in and offer their own experiences and advice. Please let us know how you get on and hope to see you around the forums 🤗

[Jezza]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it. I hope that your daughter continues to enjoy a healthy positive life.

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Jezza I do so hope things turn around for your brother and all your family soon. Please let us know how it goes. 

[Appleblossom]

@JezzaI have been in similar experiences with my brother.

I can see what you mean about the "talk" going nowhere.

Talk is important if all the emotions are suppressed and blocked from conscious, but talk is only talk if it does not evolve or help a person grow.

Maybe his MH team are not aware of how delicate the family resources are.

I agree with @Former-Member that constructive change comes when they can stand on their own 2 feet, but the circumstances need to be right.

Fear of a loved one killing thenselves is crippling.

Maybe there are some changes that your brother could make that are not a total detox ... some guys just dont go for that approach .. but a step in right direction of self responsiblity that lightens the load for your parents.

Not sure what ... maybe later he will live more healthily foodwise.

Gentleigh Bentleigh @Jezza