Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

[BlueBay]

I am so sorry i haven't replied to yoiu @BPDSurvivor 

I haven't been on here lately, and come only every now and then

i am still struggling with getting things through to the family

communication is not a good trait of mine

i struggle to be open with my hubby and kids, i don't know why

maybe it's because they don't validate what i say, so i just keep quiet, it's easier - not really sure

i will read your other posts later and reply, again i am sorry

i hope you are okay, xxoo

[BlueBay]

i was told last week that because of my childhood trauma i have gaps of my childhood and teenage years.

it's horrible, i tried really hard the other day to remmeber things - but i just can't.

it's sad, i cry for a lot of missed/lost part of my life

@BPDSurvivor @Bow @Shaz51 snd others

[BPDSurvivor]

Thank you @Bow for sharing.

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling too well. 

I am with you in this difficult time. 

I totally understand what you mean by have vague memories of the past as well as gaps. There are things we sometimes don't want to remember, or for survival's sake, our brains do not retain. This is totally okay.

Having BPD can definitely be a rollarcoaster, not only to yourself, but to others (especially those who are closest to you).

As hard as it is, please hold on. Ride out these waves. You are not alone.

I am holding your hand,

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @BlueBay ,

It's great to hear from you. Please don't be sorry for not replying earlier. It's totally understandable.

Do you feel upset that you cannot remember parts of your childhood? Is it something you are wanting to remember?

I have many areas of my childhood that if I remember, I tend to re-live and get pulled down. For me, I guess I know I can't change my past. Sometimes, my psychologist wants me to re-live these times to support PTSD, however, it has to be at a time when I am ready. Some days are better than others. If I do not feel okay, I do not delve into my past. It can be a triggering.

As for communication, like you, I find it challenging. I can't say I'm very good at it, but I CAN say, I have improved through guidance and practise. Sometimes, I sit back and get annoyed because what 'others' find natural (communication, regulating emotions, finding a healthy balance), pwBPD struggle immensely. Knowing our weakness/es will allow us to reflect and improve.

@BlueBay , are you able to bring up 'communication' as something to work on during therapy?

During my past MBT therapy at Spectrum, it was all about talking and practising mentalising and communicating in group therapy. It was 18 months of 'learning to communicate'. Sounds weird...but it was a huge challenge for me, particularly since there were people in the group I did NOT get along with. 18 months being in the same room with people you don't like, especially for someone with BPD, is HARD. So many times I wanted to give up, but ultimately, I saw it as a way for me to grow, so that the skills I practised during MBT could be generalised into the real world.

@BlueBay , start small. Have achieveable goals. If a goal is getting out of bed, so be it.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

[Bow]

Thanks @BPDSurvivor  

i actually had a really good 10 or so years. I got off all my medication. I held down a great job and succeeded at it. I’d say I only had very mild BPD traits, maybe none?- if you can say that? Cured? Remission? I don’t know. I even noticed that on the bottom of my referral letters from my gp that I would get, the ‘personality disorder’ that was listed as one of my conditions had disappeared. I had wanted it to, because I did not associate it with part of my life anymore. 

But here I am. Life has thrown me some incredibly horrible curve balls in recent years and I am not coping. I am finding myself back where I was in 2004-2007. I’m not SI’ing, but I am certainly very tempted. And I have made no attempts, but the thoughts are constantly there. 

It certainly is a roller coaster, my family... my friends, they have no idea of my current struggles. They don’t know of my inner battles. I don’t want to put them through that hell again. I saw how difficult it was for them back then and they have so much going on now for themselves. 

Again thank you. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Bow ,

You've made a really good point about SH. I posed the question to my psychologist surrounding SH because I have chronic SH thoughts. I asked why I kept having them because they were really hindering my recovery. He responded in a way which made complete sense: "You may have them for life - it's about managing them." 

Now, I don't get depressed over having the thoughts, nor do I try to be free of these thoughts. Instead, I let them come and go, just as the weather comes and goes. I have learnt to stand back and 'observe' these thoughts rather than dwell on them. Some days are harder than others.

I now see these SH thoughts as part of my BPD condition. My goal is to work with these thoughts - not get rid of them. It's sounds like a tough gig living with chronic SH thoughts, but it is possible and can be done very effectively.

Hugs @Bow ,

BPDSurvivor

PS. At the end of 'rain' is 'bow' to give us 'rainbow' - a sign of hope. As much as I know your username 'Bow' here probably refers to a bow tie, bow, it still brings my attn to a rainbow. There IS hope, my friend.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Bow ,

Another interesting point you made me consider. BPD traits...

(By the way, I'm not pointing the finger at you. This is from my own experience and observation of others)

I find that sometimes people get so caught up in the traits of BPD and think they are abnormal and can't be fixed. But when you seriously consider the 9 traits, guess what? You'd be abnormal NOT to have them:

- fear of abandonment - who doesn't get afraid of being abandoned?

- intense anger - who doesn't get angry?

- impulsive - who doesn't get impulsive? Eg. I want to eat chocolate NOW!!!!

So the list goes on....

I guess the difference between pwBPD and those without BPD is how these traits affect one's daily functioning.

I'm a firm believer that all these 'traits' can be worked on so that pwBPD can go on to live highly successful lives.... just like you @Bow . Now I know things are not always smooth sailing after, but that's life in general. I can't blame my challenges on poor BPD. Now I reflect on my challenges and call them 'BPD moments'.

I did have a BPD moment last week when my fuse blew because I couldn't travel interstate when I wanted....this is my example 😉

All the best for today my fellow-companions!

BPDSurvivor

@Shaz51 @BlueBay @Aniela @Nells @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @sanity41 @Ellan @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @Jacaranda84

[BPDSurvivor]

@Shaz51 @BlueBay @Aniela @Nells @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @sanity41 @Ellan @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Damienp @Pavlova 

@Jacaranda84 

[Nells]

Hey @BPDSurvivor , Miss BPD not travelling so well for the last 3 weeks.. On our 4th admission.. It's never been this bad before.. I'm scared.. Flat out scared of what is and what might happen.. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Nells ,

Thanks so much for reaching out. I hope the admission is short just to get her through this crisis period, and then she receives support in the community. What current community supports does MissBPD have?

Hold on Mum @Nells . Growing pains are tough. Have you sought support for yourself as a carer?

Hugs. She is stronger than you think. At this time, she just needs to know you are there for her.

BPDSurvivor