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Carlo
Contributor

Not sure what to do

2021 has been a tough year (I'm sure it has been for many of us).

My partner appears to have BPD.  But, as she feels it is all my fault, she just blames me and wants to punish me whenever she can.

In the past, I escaped to work.  I'm now semi-retired and, particularly because of lockdowns, we have been in the same house 24X7.

She's bitter about all the things she's missed out on, but doesn't want to make any decisions to change the situation or address her concerns.  She keeps saying she wants her own life, but refuses to agree to sell up and we split.

I can't manage anymore and ignoring it (to wait for her to get better - which she did in the past) hasn't worked this year.

She is now lashing out at our adult children too.

Just have nowhere to turn.

Are there any constructive ideas?

I had planned to wait until after the Christmas family celebration, such that it is, and then move out or run away.  But I have cracked and don't like who I am anymore.

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Not sure what to do

Hello @Carlo 

How are today my friend and your family 

@BPDSurvivor 

Re: Not sure what to do

@Carlo 

Sorry you did not get much response til our @Shaz51  saw your post.

I only saw it now, and saddened you were not supported much with it.

 

Breaking up is hard and often rubs everybody raw in ways never imagined.  I hope you and your family got through christmas alright and have managed to get things to a better place.  

 

Find ways to look after yourself.  

Take Care 

Apple

 

Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks

Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks @Shaz51
Sunshine has brought a little ray of hope. Time will tell.
@BPDSurvivor

Re: Not sure what to do

what has happened @Carlo , here for you if you like to talk about anything 

there is always Sane chat line too 

@Appleblossom@Rhye 

Re: Not sure what to do

Thanks for tagging me in here @Shaz51, and I'm glad @Appleblossom was able to stop by with some words of support too @Carlo.

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through what sounds like a really tough time in your relationship, @Carlo. Have you been able to talk with her partner about how you're feeling? I know that can be quite hard, particularly if someone's window of tolerance is small. In the past I have had a relationship with someone with a formal diagnosis of BPD and I can admit that I struggled with it. In hindsight, a lot of that struggle was my own in accepting their needs around their diagnosis and being able to accommodate them in a way that was respectful of my own. This can be really hard to navigate on your own as it can be quite complex, so with that in mind, my best recommendation is to give a service like Relationships Australia a call.

We also have the SANE help centre who can be contacted Mon-Fri (10am-10pm) on 1800 187 263.

Hang in there, @Carlo and please keep reaching out here if and when you need a bit of extra support.

Rhye ☘️




Re: Not sure what to do

Thank you @Rhye @Shaz51 @Appleblossom  Appreciate your comments and replies

 

It has been a long haul.

 

Unfortunately, my partner hasn't been formally diagnosed.  She doesn't believe in counselling and sees it all as my fault.

 

For a while, I started believe this story and felt guilty that I had caused these problems (and her pain).  Now I realise that, while I no doubt contributed (and could have done better), it wasn't my fault.

 

This is the way she deals with things.

 

At the moment, she is on a high and very happy.

 

I remain hopeful and grateful for the joy I have today!

Re: Not sure what to do

@Carlo 

Separating personal responsibility in intimate relationships is tricky. We can only do our best. After all ... 'to err is human" ...

 

Protecting oneself from a wall of blame may be needed. 

I am finally getting less naive and trusting and hopeful, but sharing on this forum, has shown me many ways that humans ... do their stuff .... helping me work on being oversensitive, and lowering expectations to what people ... are really like ...

 

Glad you have some good days.

 

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