Not my 'story' - it's my nightmare.

[Appleblossom]

@Historylover 

I felt similar to @chibam  when they said they did not want to dampen your affection for your ex pdoc.  I also felt angry at your pdoc on your behalf.  He might have had good intentions generally, but to me it seems he was using you to further his reputation.  Were you paid for your contribution?  St Lukes Bendigo used to run a workshop called "The Accidental Social Worker".

I attached to a pdoc in the 80s and 90s, then was shocked a decade later, at his dismissive, legalistic attitude when it suited him.  Then had a family therapist who said an earlier pdoc of mine had been had for Medicare fraud.  It is a convoluted field.

I hope U3A works out for you. 

I found annoying the level of grandmother bragging, and petty popularity politics seemed to abound.  The grandmother bragging seemed to cover up a multitude of sins.  It all depends on how much one is prepared to agree with those with the loudest voices and the most friends.  Ladies do not always play nice.  SInce then I have gone to the local zoo. The animals are often better behaved, at least they are not hipocrits.  Sorry thats my experience.Dont want to be a downer.  If I get too old for anything else I might try U3A again ??

[Historylover]

@Appleblossom   I only had about 4 German language lessons before it closed.  I've been trying to keep busy but lockdown goes on and on.  

Perhaps I am fortunate because we are all talking in German as much as possible so perhaps that thwarts any bragging.  But to be honest, I found them a really great group in the time I was there. 

As for my ex-psychiatrist, I don't know if he had good intentions in the beginning and it has all gone wrong or if he never had any to begin with.  I think the latter most of the time.  I was just his cruel experiment.  I actually thought the sun shone out of him so the betrayal has been total and bewildering.

I'm not understanding the meaning of "The Accidental Social Worker" - good or bad thing?  

Medicare fraud?  Did you see my post making the same suggestion regarding the GPs in my area.  I just went to a different one each time I needed a doctor and they were all doing it.  They all still are.  It's a disgrace.  And no-one is doing anything about it.  Makes me realize how many ways governments lose money by their failure to ensure their systems are sound.

Not a downer @Appleblossom.  We are all feeling rather jaded about everything, I  think.  

[Appleblossom]

If U3A were good for you go for it. @Historylover 

I joined book and singing sessions.  Too worried my brain does not have room for German.

Trying my way to get my old brain back.

Not meaning anything per se re frauds.  This one was across the road from the Epworth big pvt hospital, where pdoc did not attend groups but had patients sign medicare for all groups ... mmmm ... yes that was abusing his status.  FIne to sign for the individual sessions.  I was a long way from thinking all those things through at the time. I had uni, work and struggling mother and siblings to worry about. He is dead now.   I was desperate for help. The receptionist/therapist told us to do it.  It was over 10 years later that another doctor (a pedeatrician) told me about the case.

Maybe that is one of the reasons I am now a bit antsy about that kind of thing. 

Mmmmm just did an internet search and that aspect of his  ... Ahem ... contribution ... read "well respected" ... mmmmm ....not mentioning any names ...

Maybe we are less naive than we were.  I was dreadfully idealistic.  I can see how I was a sitting target then.  Bit tuffer and grittier now. lol

Hope you find a way to live with your decisions. Respecting and giving due weight and dignity to your intentions.  Dont worry about his intentions.  He did the wrong thing ethically and legally. 

[chibam]

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@Historylover wrote:

@chibam   I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all of your problems go away - at least for a while, the way you've done for me.  

Aww! Thank you!

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@Historylover wrote:

I look at my posts over the past weeks and wonder what have I become?   It has got me through some difficult times to date and I'm very grateful for its existence - but I don't want this to become my new 'club'.   Is that the risk?

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I don't know what it's like for others, but I can't keep wallowing in depression, ect.-based online engagement for long spells, so I tend to drop out for a while when I burn myself out on forums like this.

Likewise, I have a sporadic level of interaction with patient advocacy groups that try to address the harms done by the system. Though the work is very important, beneath the surface most of these groups tend to be fuelled by righteous anger and, as you say, it's not the sort of environment you want to find yourself permanently stuck in. I find I need to pop out for a bit of fresh air quite frequently because all that communal frustration has a corrosive effect on me.

[Kelpie]

Hello @Historylover . I've just read through this thread and want to tell you how powerful your story is. I'm quite shocked by your explanation of your psychiatrist's behaviour: it seems you're feeling such a betrayal of trust? And it sounds compounded because your attempts to initiate positive projects have also been frustrated... I wondered whether you've thought about writing your experiences down as a blog or in poetry? It seems to me that your intellect and curiosity might be the keys to your healing...

[Historylover]

@chibam   So good to hear from you.  

I woke up this morning and decided this isn't helping, and I felt that I mightn't stay here but try to move on.  I logged on just to see if there were any replies and was delighted to find a few - so here I am again.  I'll try to figure out what the answer is.  I know you've tried and continue to do so. I'm doing my best.

I figured out that a pessimist is a person whose optimism has burned out.  And pessimists are not good company.  Talking about our problems just makes me feel pessimistic - and incompetent.  I'm anything but - so that doesn't help.  

I figure if we talk about all the problems we have it just gets us into a dark place - and if we try to lighten the mood it seems inappropriate when we have so many problems to deal with!  What's the answer?  

Do you have outlets for enjoyment?  I only have my  German classes to look forward to when it comes out of lockdown.  You are an artist?  Is that how you make your living or just a hobby?  

[Historylover]

@Kelpie   Hello Kelpie.  From what I read on this forum, the good my ex-psychiatrist did me was not what others have experienced with theirs, and the bad my ex-psychiatrist did me is not extraordinary.  There are victims everywhere.  

A betrayal of trust?  That - and deep anguish, confusion, grief, overwhelming despair, anger, hopelessness etc.  I'm still trying to understand this situation.

No blog for me - and while poetry may help some people it is not the outlet for me.  I just keep looking for the way to solve my life's problems - and if the opportunity presents to help others also trying to do the same with theirs, I'll do my best to assist.  We are all doing that.    

[Historylover]

@chibam   Thinking of you chibam. 

[chibam]

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@Historylover wrote:

@chibam   Thinking of you chibam. 

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Thanks, @Historylover . Sorry for dropping of the radar yesterday. Stuff piles up, you know?

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@Historylover wrote:

Do you have outlets for enjoyment? I only have my German classes to look forward to when it comes out of lockdown. You are an artist?

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I watch comedies, but TBH, I sort of just live in my head a lot. Sometimes I take stock of what I've actually done during the day - even accounting for time infront of the TV and Youtube as "doing" something - and I'm amazed at how very little I've accomplished in a 16-hour period. Reason being? I'm zoned out so much of the time.

LOL. An artist? No. Not for lack of desire, but more for a lack of talent and probably focus, too.

[Historylover]

@chibam   You don't have to apologize for dropping off the radar.  I have today too. So good to hear from you.