Living with verbal emotional abuse

[kristin]

Hi @Heather 

Welcome to the forums. 

I'm So sorry to hear you are suffering with this. It is very damaging to be copping this. I take it from your last post that it is your partner who is verbally abusive? Emotional abuse is a horrible thing, whoever is dishing it out, and as I think @Alessandra1992 said it can do lots of invisible damage. 

I copped this from my ex-husband and my former partner. I now see that it was their way of trying to control me. With my former partner it is in some respects born our of his intense need to control his environment because he has PTSD (as do I). But that is not for a minute to excuse it. He also has a good heart - I care about him very much, even though we are no longer together (my choice). One of the things I have learned with him (he still lives with us at the moment) is that I am not doing anyone any favours by letting it continue. It is damaging to him as well as the rest of us to allow it to continue. 

I'm not going to kid you that this has been an easy journey because it has been incredibly hard, but I have learned (by small and growing steps) to challenge his behaviour when he becomes like this.

Initially it would take me ages, sometimes weeks to say "it's not ok to speak to me that way". He would immediately become very critical of me whan I questioned his behaviour. He'd turn it back on me as a defense. Now when he tries that I say that we can talk about that another time but at the moment we are talking about this thing. For a long time I would have to wait until I was calm enough in myself to say it without just triggering a shouting match, to say quietly and calmly: what it was that was not ok and how he needs to behave in future.

This has been a journey of years, but I have learned a lot and got much better in the last year - at quickly seeing what's going on and not being side-tracked when he tries to turn it on me. I am also much quicker at dealing with it, on the spot in some circumstances, or waiting until the kids go to bed if I need to have a quiet space to discuss it.

Last year I realised that I have found myself in emotionally abusive relationships with men for a reason. When I was growing up what I saw of my mother interacting with my father & step-father, and the abuse I suffered at my step-father's hands, gave me a very deeply etched sense that all relationships between men and women are inherently abusive. If you had asked me that I would have said no way, but in my heart that's what I believed. Since realising it I have been working on that sense, and on making it not so any longer.

I can't tell you what you need to do Heather, because only you know yourself and him. What I can tell is that it's not ok for anyone to treat another person this way, it is not loving behaviour. You deserve better, to be treated with kindness and love.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Alessandra1992]

Hi @Heather, @Kristin has outlined some of the changes of ways required for renogotiating boundaries with our loved ones when they are not talking to us respectfully.

It's not easy, and it takes a lot of practice..so sometimes it's often easier to try new ways of communicating in other relationships rather than the primary relationship where the emotional abuse is occurring.

So, perhaps for example you could practice some of the "I"  statements with other people. As an example, if one of your friends or close family members says something that upsets you, perhaps you could say "can I just reflect what you said? When you said I was ... I felt really hurt. I am wondering if I misunderstood your intention?"

So in this manner, you are checking in with the other person as to what they said, then what you thought you heard, and keeping the communicatoin very neutral..this gives the other person to rethink what were they trying to say, did they mean to say it that way, and an opportunity to saiy it differently.

In other words, we are practicing reasonableness by aid and requiring others to be reasonable is an exercise of love.

Heck, I don't mind people telling me the truth, they just have to tell me it in a respectful way or calm way..I don't mind if people tell me things I don't like to hear, because for my own personal development I need to hear objective truth..It is so much easier for people to get along when we treat each other kindly..

Not easy if you've grown up in a family of shouters or have grown into a shouter! It's really tricky too as everyone brings their own vulnerabilities and learned behaviours to relationships..The challenge is navigating how to grow together..

[Heather]

hi kristen

thank u so mch for writing a post. i am having a "bad" day today. i have been threaten if i didnt do what was asked. i stood my ground and walked away but like always im the one in the wrong.....

even thou i know im not i confronted him and said how it is not ok the threaten to hurt me just because u r having a bad day or i didnt do what u wanted me to do right there and then...

i just feel numb .....but dont want my kids to c this.... i am glad i have found this site as being able to share my feelings is helpful.

see ehat happens tonight

thank u 

heather 

[NikNik]

Hi @Heather

Like the rest of the members, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

You have received some great advice from everyone. I just wanted to give you some additional details on support services that can give you some additional assistance:

White Ribbon: 1800 737 732
Relationships Australia: http://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services

I know that it can feel like you have an obligation to stay or you put up with the unacceptable behaviour hoping it will get better - but you have to do what's best for you and your children with the current situation.

I hope your night improves
Nik

[Aonaran]

Hi @Heather ,

My heart goes out to you.  I admire your courage, and your sense that you're worth better than what you've been receiving.  I'm cheering for you.

Thanks so much for being here, and sharing your journey with us.

Best wishes,

Aonaran

[PeppiPatty]

good post Kristen and Alleaxandra1992,

Heather, How are you tonight? I've been reading Allexandra 1992 and Kristen's posts to you and want to add......crying is very healing.
both posts are so relevant and it feels that you also have tactics to get through too. sometimes it's so good to read what others write...like checking.
we are here for you.
Interested in you.
can I add one more thing? Are you able to spend 5 minutes, just sitting down and feeling how good you are at ......even sitting for 5 minutes.??

Like what Kristen wrote... that she still lives with her ex partner and works so hard at saying....that is/ is not okay to say.....
Sort of what alexandra1992 writes as well.
Take care,
JA47yr

[AMz]

You are not alone, I am currently sitting in my car at 5am in a car park as I had to get out of my house. The verbal abuse, gaslighting, threats and outrageous behaviour led me to drive to the local police station, but I couldn't bring myself to actually go inside and do anything about it. I love my boyfriend but I feel that he becomes so unhinged when he drinks that he is no longer the same man I fell in love with. I am hoping he will just fall asleep and I can just go home to sleep. I don't know what else to do.

[moxi]

Hi @AMz it sounds like you're in a terrible situation right now. Please be very cautious out there. 

Talking to the local police isn't necessarily going to harm your relationship and I'd encourage you to seek some support there, but if that doesn't feel right for you right now maybe you could get in contact with 1800 Respect about whats just happened and what your next steps might be. You deserve to feel safe. 

You can reach 1800 Respect on  1800 737 732 or online at https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome

[cloudcore]

Hi @AMz ,

Are you safe this afternoon? This situation you're in sounds really difficult and scary. It's understandable though that you are feeling conflicted about what to do next. Please know you're not alone, I'll be sending an email shortly to check in on you too.

from cloudcore