Letter to my mum (triggering)

[MDT]

@BlueBay 🙏

[Owlunar]

@BlueBay 

I wasn't sexually assaulted ever so I can't know how that feels - but terrible - I do understand that

But when it comes to mothers - I really do know about that - mine was a scary person and I was terrified of her - but I stood up to her - made life hard for myself - and I had repressed memories too - of a different nature - so that part of your story I really understand

But I am not able to write about it the way you do - I don't know why not - sometimes I don't want to talk about it with anyone since I had a good therapist a few years back - since she died - I feel now I just want to let it rest - perhaps it has something to do with forgiving her which I did for my own sake - not her's

And I understand why she was codependent and not able to cope with life - why she couldn't stand to be contradicted - whatever she was - I went into it years back and for my own sake stopped picking around in it - nothing can change what she was like and she was miserable

You are better at sharing what your mother was like than I am - and I do understand - 

I have an opinion that we need to get some things out of our system - just as if we had eaten something bad - and perhaps the time comes when we can get it into our past - 

Although I understand my mother's reasons for bad behaviour I don't give her any excuses - I learned to control myself when it came to a difficult child with a MI and he was a problem - major problem - a lot of my memories of those issues have faded with time too - 

You are still hurting and raw with your mother - at your age - so was I - it broke my heart that she was so hateful and this went on until I eventualy walked out on her when she was in aged-care. I didn't have to worry about her care because she was in a really safe place physically but I still woke up every morning and asked myself if I would visit and this would go on all day and in the evening I was glad I hadn't gone and the next morning I would start again - same stuff - 

It's all gone now - I feel that if people had made her tolerate being upset about so much - being afraid of so much - and having such intolerance of so much - then she would have been a happier woman - but she was enabled and I spent so much of my life away from her - and the rest of my family - 

So I get it BlueBay - been through similar stuff - you are so brave to write it so clearly - and so honestly

Dec

Oh yes - I did write a letter to my parents - I did include the good stuff too but wrote the hard stuff - and posted it - and they didn't understand it at first - but in time - my father did

[MaggieM]

Hi @BlueBay ... yes the lack of validation is a tough one. I experienced this again with my mum on the weekend when I tried to discuss something with her (my sense of isolation and the fact that I'm so tired of having to do everything by myself - being single). Her response was essentially that I shouldn't feel like this, because other people who were in partnerships were often not supported by their partners. While I know this is obviously true for some (but not all) people who have partners, I felt it was deflecting and not engaging with what I was trying to talk about, which is my feelings. My mum always does this, I think it is her (strange) way of trying to make me feel better, but the outcome is that it just makes me feel so much more alone, as if my feelings are always sidelined and do not matter, and do not deserve to be treated as valid. No matter how much I tried to explain this to her, she just doesn't get it. So I can only imagine how hurtful it must have been to you, to not have your mum stand beside you in solidarity and support.