Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Krishna]

So my daughter has been homeless and living on the streets for the past 2 weeks and refuses to communicate with me. Nobody is any longer able to give her a couch for the night as her friends just can't handle her mental illness nor should they have to. I received a message on Wednesday morning telling me that she is looking very gaunt and confused and sleeping on a lounge at a local pub during the day. I rang an ambulance. They attende, spoke to her and drove away. Calls the following day to tell me she had been standing outside a railway station all night and was still there the following morning. Was refusing help or food from those who know her. Last night I finally get a message saying police have intervened and she is now in hospital again. A call to the hospital and am told cannot discuss anything with you as she has not nominated me as a carer and no does not want to speak with you. I simply don't understand this system. I am so tired of the worry and helplessness I feel and am constantly being told to let it go, don't let it get to you. Oh my, the anguish of it all. 

[Appleblossom]

Ooooh @Krishna 

It is not an acceptable situation for a parent to be told of their child's suffering, but not able to help or reduce it. It would be excruciating. I understand the legalities and the services rationales, but not sure that "acceptance" is the best way forward.  I have felt more upset at times when told to accept tragic circumstances. It often means the person does not want to listen any more or does not understand.  A sense of calm or stoicism or resignation may gradually develop, that might be termed "acceptance", but it is not a switch on or off type of thing.

Take Care of you and the things you can nourish. 

[Krishna]

Thank you for the reply #Appleblossom. Spoke to the hospital today to see if she needs anything clothing etc. as have no idea how long she will be in for this time. I wasn’t even able to have this question answered. Totally in the dark this time round. Just trying to focus on the fact that she is safe and hopefully receiving the care and treatment needed and sitting with self compassion for a change.

[Appleblossom]

Allowing our compassion to nurture ourselves is an important learning. 

@Krishna 

[brother2]

"A call to the hospital and am told cannot discuss anything with you as she has not nominated me as a carer and no does not want to speak with you. I simply don't understand this system. "

Don't try and understand the system. The system is pathetic and mixed up. People working in the sector... 25% of them care more about themselves than improving the system. Or are just powerless and corrupt. So many Government Public Servants... not "Public Servants" at all.

Get angry. Fight. Write letters. Change the system.

[brother2]

https://www.mentalhealthcommission.gov.au/getmedia/1bb66cb2-1098-4717-b683-c9019a5416b3/About/Compla...

[Aqua528]

I understand this pain!!!

My son is in a similar situation and having no information while not being able to assist brings a range of emotions, it's a grieving process for me as he attempts to find his independence. From a little research I discovered when we have no information the brain's usual response is to fill in the blanks, it's a completely normal response but not helpful for us or our loved ones. I have no control over the situation with my son so I write in my journal often to dump out the thoughts that swirl around the head, let the thoughts flow onto the page, and have a good cry, I find this is a great releases of emotion and then I can carry on with my day. You are not alone! 💕

[brother2]

"I have no control over the situation with my son"

What a load of crap. The system and Privacy Act and details around the "primary carer" make no sense. How can someone forcably in hospital for mental health be in charge or decide who is their primary carer?

[myheartache]

Hi Krishna,

yes the anguish, grief and sense of failure we parents have is overwhelming. I hear you. My daughter left home at 16, 3-4 months ago. I did not hear from her for 6 weeks and had no way of knowing what was happening with her. Its a terrible time.

What helped me through this, well, helped me cope (as is there ever a through this?) is the thought that this is about her rather than me. The feelings of grief, worry and loss are mine. I don't know what she is feeling but I know it was bad enough for her to leave. When I get caught up in my own emotions if I change the perspective it makes it easier to accept. In the meantime I am seeking counselling for the "me stuff"to help me resolve those feelings.

Legally I am still my daughter's legal guardian, but she wants to be her own person and I have to accept that, which is difficult after a sudden end to so many years of being there and caring first hand. She has been in hospital, and had some very rough experiences since her departure, which I have heard about second hand and over which I have no control. In  the meantime I send her texts and messges to keep the door open and to let her know I care about her. Sometimes she responds and more often, not, but that's what I do.

Basically it is a waiting game... That's all we have. I try to keep in toch with some of her friends but they also have intermittent contact with her. I have to be happy with that.

My love to you, its hard to deal with and I understand what you are saying and how you are feeling.

xx