Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[p055um]

Hi, 

My delightful 21yo daughter struggled with anxiety and ADHD through primary school and was diagnosed with ASD at age 15 or so. I think she also had pathological demand avoidance, although that was not an accepted diagnosis in Australia. School refusal was a big issue, and we decided to finish school after she did not complete year 10. After a year's break, she was able to attend a community organisation where she was given the opportunity to complete year 10 via distance ED, but despite spending 2 years on that program, she was unable to complete the coursework (fear of getting it wrong/ spending hours agonising about what to write); so the upshot is, she has not got a year 10 certificate. She aged out of that program, then COVID restrictions/ lockdowns happened, just as she was thinking about looking for work.

She has her learner's permit, but rarely wants to drive anymore, and is very very reluctant to have lessons with an instructor.

She attended 1:1 sessions with a Personal Trainer for about 3 years, but that PT closed her (tiny) studio for a while, and although the option is there for my daughter to resume PT, she does not want to - she says she felt trapped into going to the sessions when she did not want to.

My daughter has not kept up with any friends, and spends time in her room looking at youtube (minecraft etc) and on paint by numbers and little rooms building crafts.

She steadfastly refuses to rejoin a community music group I am involved in.

She is slowly maturing, and has recently spontaneously offered to help with cooking and some gardening, which is a huge step for her (she hates ants and other creepie crawlies).

I would like for her to start to think about beoming more independent - her sister (24) who lives several hours away in a capital city has offered to have her come and stay, but only if she is working towards something to build a future on.

I feel so fortunate that I have more time with her - at one stage she thought she wouldn't be around much longer- and it is easy to let the days roll by, but I am aware she has a right to an independent life and I would like to know how to help her to make it happen.

I have found that if she comes up with the idea, or if she thinks she is doing something for someone else, she is much more likely to follow through. Me arranging an appointment and saying "you are going" results in a flat refusal and a very unpleasant time for us both.

How can I help her to find her path? She missed out on all of the support young people in high school get to choose their careers. 

What is the role of centrelink in this scenario? We are fully self- funding; she has never allowed me to apply for NDIS or look in to centrelink. (I am aware I am fortunate we have the financial resources to do so, but it does increase her sense of dependence).

Hoping someone else has had to tread a similar path, and can give me some guidance.

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @p055um Welcome to the forums!

I'm just dropping by to offer some support. You sound like such a caring parent and it's so hard isn't it? We just want what's best for them. Would your daughter be open to seeing a careers counsellor? I'm not sure about centrelink and NDIS but this link might be helpful. I hope some others drop by with some advice and can offer some guidance. I'll tag a few. @Shaz51 @Anastasia @Faith-and-Hope 

Take care 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @p055um,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

As a mum of three, with two in their 20s I can relate to some of what you are saying. I also have friends with kids in this age group and your daughter's story reminds me of my friend's daughter who has ADHD and also came through high school during COVID. Upon reflection I wonder if the lockdowns had a detrimental effect on a lot of young people who came through the latter years of high school during lockdown. 

I also agree that often kids seem more keen and motivated to do things that they have come up with rather than when we try and plan things for them. My 20 year old was a bit lost after leaving school and wasn't keen on doing uni. I am okay if he doesn't want to go to uni but I do want him to do something proactive with his life, not just due to financial reasons but also because I feel going to work is important for socialisation. My son loves animals so I encouraged him to look for work in that area - long story short he now works with animals. In addition, a lot of people he works with are his age so he has made some friends and also socialises with them outside of work. Is your daughter passionate about something (such as animals) which could also be incorporated into a job? Maybe that way her passion will also help be a motivator? 

I feel for you as being a mum it can be very difficult to watch your child struggle. As  mums I think a lot of us just want to make everything better and ensure all our kids are okay but (in my experience) it seems as they get older this can become more difficult and more out of our control. 

I also think your other daughter's offer of having her sister come live with her could be really beneficial for your younger daughter. Do you think your daughter would be keen to do that? 

Your daughter sounds lovely and you sound like a really loving and caring mum. I really wish you both every happiness. This parenting thing isn't for the faint-hearted I know, so I hope you are being kind and have support for yourself too.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[hanami]

Hi @p055um 

Thank you for sharing your daughter's story with us. It sounds like you're such a caring mum and just want the best for her. 

It's a shame she doesn't want you to apply for NDIS funding as they can really help with supporting her to a more independent life. They can also help with career/study support, accommodation, re-entering the community etc. I used to work for the NDIS as a recovery coach and this was a major part of my role - working with people with mental health issues on their recovery journey. Does she see a counsellor/psychologist? I know how hard it is to parent kids this age. I have three around this age as well one in her early 30s. My 19 year old has had issues with anxiety and COVID definitely made it worse. Like you,I love the extra time I get with her but would also love to see her socialise a little more. 

Sending warmest wishes

Hanami

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi and welcome to the forums @p055um.

I have three (out of five) dependent adult children for various reasons.  One is disabled and under NDIS.  The other two we have been supporting into their 20s.  Neither of them drive, but they are able to access public transport readily, and are slowly (re) building and developing independence skills.  They had to reach a point within themselves where they began to get their ducks in a row, and it still falls over occasionally, but is improving / we generally have forward motion.

Its tough, but I want to encourage you to persevere.  The teenage years are difficult because so much else is going on with body chemistry besides.  You will find some maturity kicks in and helps stabilise behaviour and decision-making.  A fierce drive for independence will mean that there is a lot they become oppositional about on principle, so it can be better if suggestions come from other people, and you nod sagely somewhere in the background, helping to enable as your daughter begins to recognise where she needs support.

Remember to take care of you ….

F&H 🌷

[Faith-and-Hope]

@p055um short TAGE courses based on your daughter’s interests (art, IT, hospitality, etc) might be a good starting point.  Brochures left on the table or somewhere for her to find might work to engage her interest ?

[p055um]

Thank you @Paperdaisy.

[p055um]

Thankyou @FloatingFeather

[p055um]

Hi Hanami,
I am still struggling a bit to understand NDIS; I want to make any application steamlined and as low frustration as possible, but I'm not sure how to go about it. NDIS in our area seems to be aimed at children.

Can you tell me what should be a first step?

TIA
po55um

[p055um]

Thank you @ Faith-and-Hope