Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Appleblossom

There is a lot to take in here. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It feels like your ready to write,,,,,,,,,,,,
I've read your story........

I've got to look up some words ......
And have a think and get back to you.

( I've dealt with my own recent dilemma effectively but for tomorrow mornings court case....it won't be long till I get back to you. )
Are you able to look at your story and separate each issue? I mean like this :

Went into care at .....years
Sister......
Brother........
Memories of bad behaviour to..............
Divorce that my kids did..............
Natural daughter "..............
Son........

In the dots, I don't know what to write but you can write your own pointers. My example is only that...............I haven't had a think about it.

This is my way to deal with your story. I like dealing with stuff by separating them and going through them one by one. . There are people on Sane who are different .....my way doesn't suit everyone and it's cool if it doesn't suit you.

On your son's education, congratulations on loving and caring for him through this. I dearly wish, upon reflection, that my oldest son didn't have education like he did. I wish I could have afforded different. I will not be truthful if you think I'm good on no contact except one week per year and that he refuses medication.

[Appleblossom]

@PeppiPatty

Yes I have been separating things out. One at a time is a good approach, but not always possible. As I am getting older and have time, less pressing commitments and hindsight it is easier.

Thank you for not being mean about me using big words. I have felt hurt in the past when people put me down for it (my son was also abused in that way) when I am just trying to express myself about complicated situations. 

Good luck with court case re venomousxly mouth stalker.

Sorry about your son's situation. No the school system is not as good as it should be even if the staff try hard. 

School was a relatively safe place for me personally for so it was hard to finally accept that my son wasnt going and it was better to just do our best without it.

Not sure what you mean about "I wont be truthful if you think I am good...." Are you saying you dont want fake praise?  I dont tend to think in terms of good or bad people anyway. Though I think it is important to be ethical. I take a non-judgmental stance as default. I chose to marry a schizophrenic I was not put off by it even though our particular marriage did not work.  Many people treat those with MI as scum. I try to understand .. knowledge ... is part of the answer.

My father was seen as hopless a reject, but 30 years after his death I found out that he was better educated than all my mother's huge family and that there were solid reasons for his circumstances that were not his fault. So I am learning to look beneath the surfaces of things.

[Louise]

@PeppiPatty Thanks for  your comments about recovery (amongst other things).I like the four points. I do especially think hope is so important.  I think the last point, about self-determination, refers to taking some responsibility for one's own recovery. In my own experience, it was difficult to work through what lay behind my anxiety, but worth it in the long run. Certainly nobody else could do it for me.

Thanks for sharing about your children too. Best wishes in being the loving mother you already are

[Appleblossom]

@Louise

47 yearold is right. Personal agency is all we really have. I keep picking myself up and taking the next step. It also helps if we are respected and our contributions respected, by those around us.  I am learning not take the lack of that in my life personally.  it is hard not to be angry about that. So I am less nice and polite than I used to be and am adopting a more Australiana no more BS persona.

[Appleblossom]

At all stages of my life I have always tried to take the next step with as much responsibility as I can muster given what I know and am capable of.

In my church someone said I had caused everything that ever happened to me .. he didnt know a quarter of  my story but could see that I was very vulnerable and living on the end.  He had a cosseted upbringing and spoiled his own daughter buying her a house etc.  How can people be so sure that they can be so cruel.  Its just not logical that I caused it all, The teenage period that I acted up, was really with respect to myself as I was not a forceful personality.

@kristinstarted a thread that asks what recovery looks like.

For me: I'd like the respect of my biological daughter, regular contact and that my kids could feel the security of each other as people who care.  I am prepared to wait.  In the meantime.  I guess it is separating my wishes from my needs. I can mostly meet my own basic needs now.

Another person's regard and affection are outside of our control ... maybe one day ...

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Former-Member and @Hobbit

I tried to post on topic tuesday thread but missed it by 10 mins .. did not realise that it closed so early  Maybe I am defensive but I just need to put this stuff out instead of always carrying it inside.

I never meant, or have ever acted in a "suffer" the consequences manner with anybody. I just felt natural consequences were the cleanest way for people to come to their own conclusions about all life issues  including any substance use.

My mother was very self righteous and nagged my brother about everything and it escalated the whole drinking thing.  He deliberately brewed low alcohol beer.  I thought it was a creative way to get what he wanted in an economical fashion andof low key intensity.  If we were italian it would have been just cultural. I would have preferred if he had gotten counselling but it was his way of dealing with calming down. It certainly wasnt mine, but

Bottom line with my mother is that

She mattered more than us .. her reputation her feelings .. it was her way or the highway ..

 not one word ever uttered about how the abandonment might have effected us. 

 About 5 years ago when she slept over she polished off a very good bottle of wine. My mother was not known as a drinker and I did not give her a hard time about it .. but I noticed she picked the best bottle.  I always gave her the best presents etc .. She never APPRECIATED the love of her children. 

 Mother should have been more honest but made too big a deal out of drinking and what could have been a normal thing.

I really dont give a damn about drinking and go years without a drink .. I do give a damn about unnecessary pain and suffering. My aunt likes to "teach" people a lesson without realising it is just vengeance. I teach and believe it is important to bring the good out in people.

Mum did not mean for it to turn out the way that it did .. but her refusal to involve others, priests or professionals was disastrous.  She just whined to me when my brother or sister were seeing and needed to see MH workers. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom,

In retrospect I think my comment was too abrupt. I am not really used to engaging in online conversations. I prefer face to face where you can see other peoples reactions. Also I tend to be very adverse to unnecessary suffering for myself and others. I did not mean it as a judgement on anyone elses opinion.

I an sorry to hear about your family. I am personally hopeful that there is a middle road between enabling and being judgemental or controling and uncaring. I think the discussion tonight about managing the boundaries was useful in thinking about this.

cheers,

Carer101.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for your response @Former-Member

Yes I believe last nights conversation was valuable.

No harm done, I realised I became defensive. Yet also grateful to have a right of response, which was denied to me in relaionship to my mother and many family situations. I am new to forums but keep hoping with goodwill and clarification that good understandings can be reached.

[PeppiPatty]

@Appleblossom

Your also

So intelligent.like a step ahead of yourself. I need to re read your message which ille do within the next 7 days and give examples. 

Show remorse. ( Your mum didnt )

Now, let me tell you what arlo did the other day, i opened the door and Arlo races out, thats okay.....then the postman came by on his trusty moped, well, Arlo ran into his moped, and sprained his leg. Arlo howling away, the postman having paranoid episodes.

I took him straight to my fantastic vet....she checks his leg and gives him dog calmer.

Hes still limping but dont think helle be chasing the postman again. 🐭🐤🐺🐂🐏🐑🐢🐦

[Appleblossom]

  I saw decency of orphanage kids but have also now seen the problems of over indulged people.