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SJT63
Senior Contributor

H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome

Hello @HenryX 

 

I have ported this to a new thread because I didn’t want to continue to hijack the post by @thelorax  with our pseudo private conversation. I’m not a fan when people do that to me.

 

Your comment is a lovely, erudite, well-considered, detailed, beautifully written response.

 

 *S’s heart sings at your critique as she does consider herself a bit of a wordsmith*

 

Had you been talking with me here, I would have had to excuse myself for the 15 minutes that I needed to recover my sense of balance and equilibrium.

 

 Many people over the years have described me as “disarming”. Sorry not sorry.

 

For the last ten years of my Mother's life, she lived with me.

 

The late second partner’s mother did also, but she went into a nursing home just prior to our meeting. She was brought north for a holiday by her other son and never collected which caused a rift between the brothers lasting many years.

 

My mother and I got on like a house on fire after she died. While we both still drew breath it was a bit of a uphill slog. Unfortunately, I do tend to project my feelings of “never being good enough” that I had with mum onto my daughter now, but at least I’m aware of it and temper as best I can.

 

…… but he simply refused to do so. A tour of duty in Vietnam compounded the already existing problems.

 

My father was a tail gunner in the RAF in WW2. His “nerves were bad” which is the only way such things were ever described in their day. I believe with each subsequent generation we become more open and the stigmatization of mental health conditions diminishes, but we are not there yet.

 

I weep for the number of women through the centuries who have endured post natal depression, before it was a thing, before it was normalized, before it was recognized and treated. My ex-husband’s grandmother was in and out of the asylum several times following the births of her many Roman Catholic children and sympathies went out to husband and offspring while she languished in a catatonic state until some horrendous, medieval treatment restored her temporarily.

 

So many men internalizing their pain, feeling forced to “be strong” and “provide”. While I despise what we modern feminists call The Patriarchy for the way women have been treated for centuries I do believe many men are just as damaged by toxic masculinity. There is a reason why the rate of self harm is so much higher in men. It also goes back to the comments I made about emotional intimacy being so very different between men and women.

 

Luckily, the past is a foreign country.

 

he stated his version as though it were “Gospel truth”

 

Lawyers will tell you that there is nothing more unreliable than an eye witness. Twenty-three different witnesses will give you twenty-three different versions of a crime because all that we see is filtered through the veil of our lived experience.

 

I believe all truth, Gospel or otherwise, is about perception. Even basic truths of the natural world evolve and are modified the more we understand. Once upon a time every man in the street would swear on a stack of Bibles that the earth was flat. How could it not be? Have you observed anyone falling off?


Pluto is a planet, Aids only affects gay men, if man was meant to fly God would have given him wings and our health is governed by the four humours. Even E=mc^2 may soon become passe.

 

As you can imagine, there is a lot more to the story.

 

            And I’m all ears.

 

My eldest daughter, who is also a strong, appropriately assertive person

 

That is a daughter thing. I like your description of her which is better than “uncompromising and unforgiving” which is how I often describe mine. She has bigger balls than any man I know. Hopped on a plane for London just after she turned 19 with one suitcase and a heart full of dreams. Within four years she had her own office at Ealing Studios as the talent coordinator for the London International Screenwriters Festival.

 

 Recently, my daughter asked me why she had a good relationship with my father, yet I did not.

 

My theory is that grandchildren and grandparents get on well because they share a special bond; that of a common enemy.

 

Through discussion on the forums, I am becoming more aware of the issues that I face in terms of physical reactions and responses, anxiety, etc.

 

Reading the stories of others’ experiences is comforting, confronting, cathartic… (sorry, can’t think of another c word). I feel reassured when I read of other partners enduring what I do, I cry for mothers with sick children, I get a handle on my own situation from the point of view of the cared for (rather than carer) and sometimes I am horrified and genuinely frightened for people who’s illnesses are more extreme than my bloke’s.

 

I comment if I’m in the right headspace to make what I hope is a valuable observation.

 

I find it interesting to note that half-consciously I don't want to impose my issues on anyone else.

 

But Henry, that’s what the forum is for. If you are going to be mentioning something that you think others may find distressing put “trigger warning” in the subject (or first line of the post) and somewhere there’s a list of abbreviations to use…. Which warns people not to read further if a particular topic will upset them too much.

 

This is also why they are very strict about anonymity and delete posts that contain identifying information. It is the most free I’ve ever been to express my ideas, my problems and my failings in my entire life.

 

Talk to me.

Sx

As it's Friday I may not get online for a few days. I have no privacy at home.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome

@SJT63 

Hello SJT63

I do recommend that people who are living in relationships with difficult characters (male or female) or who have concern for others in such circumstances, particularly but not only women, please read the separate thread initiated by

@thelorax

on

Re: Needing someone or somewhere to turn ..”

..............“..............

To get the back-story to the quoted comments and responses below, you would need to go to:

the @thelorax thread as above also.

Prior warning – it is fairly long

..............“..............

With regard to my comments quoted by @SJT63 on her thread above:

"H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome",

that are

originally from the @thelorax thread:

Re: Needing someone or somewhere to turn ..”.......

I offer my follow up comments to @SJT63 and interested others:

..............“..............

{Italicised quotes are from my story & comments in the separate thread:

Re: Needing someone or somewhere to turn ..”...

started by @thelorax

and are those quoted by @SJT63 }

..............“..............

 

1.) “Had you been talking with me here (or face to face in any location), I would have had to excuse myself for the 15 minutes that I needed to recover my sense of balance and equilibrium.”

I made this comment to indicate that the discussion elicited from me a distress response, as the discussion had caused me to reflect on my own childhood and the problems that had proceeded into my adult life. My words regarding recovering my “sense of balance and equilibrium' may not have adequately conveyed what I was wanting to say. But I would think that many forum members would understand the idea of covering feelings, either as a defence or simply a carefully practiced life behaviour carried from childhood experiences and/or necessity, in some way useful to maintain a “sense of balance and equilibrium” and avoid other consequences.

2.) “For the last ten years of my Mother's life, she lived with me.”

My Mother's time with me in her later years was a time of peace for both of us, where we no longer had to fear the feeling “never being good enough” that Mum had been conditioned into feeling and that I had grown up feeling.

Indeed, our time together was one of healing, affirmation and reassurance. A situation that neither she nor I would have previously considered possible. It never would have been possible while my father remained alive.

3.) “….he stated his version as though it were 'Gospel truth'”

This comment is with regard to my brother's version of events, despite he not having been present at the time, between my father and me where the only other person present was my Mother. This was the last time we met, until just prior to his death, when I went to see him.

Consequently, it was not a matter of different witness's versions, but a case of deliberate distortion and untruth provided by my father, after and separately from the event to which I was referring. This was standard practice in my family, used to demean and belittle me, as was also used toward and against my Mother. A practice that I can recall happening for as long as I can remember.

Mum did suggest a reason but it is neither appropriate nor necessary to pursue that here.

4). As you can imagine, there is a lot more to the story.”

My implied suggestion is that the rest of the story is too long and not necessarily related to the topic being discussed. We could pursue red herrings forever.

However, I am here for my own development, and hopefully, to share with others in a way that provides benefit to one another and is often mutually beneficial. And we share to the extent that we feel comfortable and is appropriate.

5.) “My eldest daughter, who is also a strong, appropriately assertive person...”

I am indeed very fortunate that the daughter, to whom I am referring, is definitely not “uncompromising and unforgiving”. I won't go into my daughter's accomplishments and qualifications.

However, I can say that she is very well accomplished academically and professionally. And a daughter for whom I have immense admiration.

6.) “Recently, my daughter asked me why she had a good relationship with my father, yet I did not.”

I believe I have adequately covered that question/issue in the thread opened by @thelorax and above.

7.) “Through discussion on the forums, I am becoming more aware of the issues that I face in terms of (my) physical reactions and responses, anxiety, etc....”

Here I was conveying the benefits that I receive and gain from other people's comments and observations, as I hope others gain from what I am able to convey to them.

I agree with your comment:

I comment if I’m in the right headspace to make what I hope is a valuable observation.”

8.) I find it interesting to note that half-consciously I don't want to impose my issues on anyone else.”

Here, in terms of the topic of discussion, it was my intention to convey the idea that, in real-life, not the digital environment of SANE Aust., I did not wish to encumber anyone else with the conditions present in my life.

Now, yes! there might be someone out there who would happily accommodate those issues or conditions for what else I have to offer. However, to paraphrase what I said, I have no wish to seek companionship and impose those conditions on someone else.

..................“..................

I hope that the information, ideas, thoughts, details, etc in these two threads will convey to those who read them support, affirmation, conviction, clarification, and for some warnings, suggestions, possibilities and maybe even

Hope

 

As Always

With

My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

Re: H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome

@HenryX @Shaz51 @Anastasia @AussieRecharger  @WinstonOBoogie  and gosh it gets hard keeping track of all the people to tag...

 

It is absolutely, positively real. I married my first couple yesterday.

 

What started out as "just come to the house and marry us, because we can't go back to India for a proper wedding" over the course of the four week notice period morphed into an exquisite bollywood style production. Just the two witnesses became 60 people in traditional costume and the bride was all  henna'd up and there was dancing and daubing on foreheads and traditional sweets sent home with me... and WOW.

 

I HAD THE BEST DAY YESTERDAY. And then they thanked me!

 

What they don't teach you in the Cert IV is how very, very happy it makes you. They don't teach about the pure joy you feel from being a part of a loving, life-changing event. Not just my first wedding, but my first hands on experience of Indian culture in all it's colour, beauty and celebration. Such an honour to have been a part of it and .....................

 

I arrived home to a huge bunch of congratulatory flowers sent by my daughter who lives in England.

As I don't have a particularly good track record for finishing what I start, she is quite amazed that I not only finished the course but set up a business and started practising. 

 

Anyway, I wanted to share a good thing with some of my stalwart supports.

S x

 

 

Re: H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome

thank you for the tag @SJT63@HenryX Heart

Re: H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome

@SJT63 💕Screenshot_2021-04-27-10-38-22-42.jpg

 

Re: H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome

hey @SJT63 

 

It was great ready you had a great day with the wedding...

 

Love can be contagious. 

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