Awareness of Women's Mental Health

[Owlunar]

Thanks @BlueBay

I want this thread to live so I am always thinking up something else to write so I think my next subject will be how to let go of the past and work on our future - you have given me the idea and I am getting it together in my mind

I know the past hurts only too well but it doesn't serve us well to hang onto it - yes - I know that we are likely to feel that if we stop feeling angry it will mean that it doesn't matter but it does matter and part of us will grieve over that - but I can tell you that letting go of so much has made a huge difference to me and I know that it will always hurt and sometimes overwhelm me but concentrating on the present and future has more impact - more everything

This is something to work on with your psychologist - I wish you the best

With your husband - both of you have to talk and I know that some people - men mostly - don't want to talk about their feelings - my husband was locked away in his and I don't know what it was about - I can only imagine - like other things in the past it's done with but yeah

I know that lack of communication is destructive too - I have a good idea that to get your husband to talk you have asked him about his feelings and he has pushed the subject away - he must feel terrible about his mother and afraid to examine his thoughts about it - 

I get this - but how to draw him out is a loss to me - it's another subject to bring up with your psychologist

Letting go of the past is terribly hard - I really know this - but it's better - you will find yourself and your desires and dreams and wishes when you let it go - I really hope your psycholgist can help you find your future

Dec

[BlueBay]

Thankyou for replying back @Owlunar

I think you’re right - to me it feels that if I let go of the past it means it didn’t happen. I kniw the abuse happened it’s the letting go I’m stuck on or even scared of. It’s the snger I struggle with. 

Yes communication will need to start. Will work on thst eith my psychologist. 

I kniw I still have a lot to work through. Hoping with time snd help I can see a future for me. 

BB xx

[Owlunar]

Hi @Appleblossom@BlueBay@Razzle@Jumpingcactus@utopia@MorningSilence@Maggie@Former-Member@Shaz51@Former-Member@soul@Zoe7@Sans911@MoonGal@Sophia1@Exoplanet@eth@frog

I had a little time out - part of the reason was to enjoy some beautiful weather and then I ran into a bunch of life issues - some of which were about my wifi connection - doncha just love talking to Telstra on the phone (sigh) and also - I wanted to spend some time thinking about a new subject which has not been easy - and I really want this thread to live because I am concerned to learn as much as I can about the lack of self-esteem that so many women have - and yes - it does have a lot to do with different forms of abuse what so many of us have encountered and it seems so wrong to me that the people who give us such a hard time when we are young seem to get away with it later in life

I wonder if they really do but we are not here about them - we are here about us

So the next subject is about Letting go of the Past - and I know this is hard but it's worth it

People in my real life and here in the forum have asked me about this - and about how I have forgiven my mother as well (she was into physical and emotional abuse which is annihiliting in ways as is sexual abuse). I can tell you I didn't do it for my mother - I did it for myself - I did not want to carry her rotten behaviour around for the rest of my life and it's hard to do - I know this

So - people have told me they are not ready to let go of the past and I understand - years ago I was told to let go of it - I remember saying it hurt to much and yes - I get this - I understand - it does hurt - and I think that there is the thought in many of us that if we let it go then it won't matter

But it does matter - it always will matter - it will always hurt and we want it to stop hurting and sometimes I wonder if it ever will 

Also - I am sure that no one wants the pain of holding onto it. I am sure that if someone picks up the handle of a hot frying pan they won't hold onto it for long. Imagine that - telling ourselves that if we let go maybe the handle won't be hot anymore and the sore hand won't matter - whatever - I just invented the idea and like it but haven't thought about it.

I have picked up a hot handle and put it down fast and stuck my hand under the cold tap and yep - letting go works better - I am sure we all understand that one

Also - I have been asked how I forgave my mother - same thing - I did it for myself and the relief has been huge - guess what

I found I had dreams and I had worked through until they were realised. I had studied a lot and found myself to be highly qualified - I couldn't see this before I actually spoke to a therapist about it but it was there and I am not young anymore. All the time my mother was chipping at me - giving me a hard time about how I failed to achieve what she thought was important I was busy doing what I felt was important and walking away from her feeling lost and not seeing how I was living a successful life.

And after she had gone - it was like a huge mental and emotional house-cleaning - when I was speaking to this therapist I could see how great my own life is for me - choosing to please myself had been hard but I had done it.

And how often people cannot see their own strengths, the value of their own choices. Let go of the past and find our dreams, wishes, desires - who we love and what we love. We can find our own belief system and fill the spaces in our hearts with the good things around us because they are there. 

Holding onto our pain stops us from seeing past it

And I know - people are afraid if they let go of all of their past it won't matter - but it does. It's matters. 

 I have been told by people who don't know what they are talking about to stop thinking about my son and yes - over thirty years is a long time to hold onto someone who has died. But I never will truly let go but I can let go of the hurt. 

Weeks and months even can go past and I feel only the sorrow about missing him - a few days a year I feel the anguish and I think I always will. He matters. He meant a lot to me and I valued him and he has gone. On the bad days I feel terrible so I know it's important - that it happened - but most of the time I can go on without feeling torn down as I once did all the time

I will leave this here for now and wait for your comments - I value what everyone has to say - you all have your stories and they will be here in this archive - I have no idea where this can go but one thing I do hope and that is that all of you can find your future and letting go of the past is an important part of that

Dec 

[utopia]

I agree that letting go is really important.  But the question remains :

How Do We Let Go????? 

[Owlunar]

Awwwwwwwwww @utopia

I wish I knew- I think this is what I am trying to find out

I only know I have and it's amazing to find life without it.

Perhaps I had to wait until my mother died - just before she had her stroke she was dying I think - and what I found in hospital was an aging woman - totally helpless - I am pretty sure she knew she was dying but she couldn't talk and she couldn't hear

And she wept - I had not seen her for years and she was full of regrets - I could forgive her but I didn't know it then - it did happen at some time through the months after she died

Perhaps it didn't happen all at once - maybe I was tired of all that emotion - I had enough - I didn't want to feel any more of that - it was a huge bundle I didn't want to carry any more

Maybe it was like that hot frying pan handle - I needed to shove my soul under a cold

The thing I am sure of is that it went away - and I could see my own future and I wanted to enjoy the rest of my life and most of the time I am

Keep asking though - someone might have an answer - maybe I have the answer inside -

Sending hugs Utopia

Dec

[Owlunar]

letting go feels so good

btw - I know letting go feels good but alas

I don't know what letting go and letting God means - can anyone enlighten me on that one?

Dec

[Sophia1]

Hello @Owlunar

I have been thinking of you and thought perhaps that you were on another thread...

I have been sticking to the one mainly...replying to others when tagged...

This again is a subject that I relate so closely to..

I keep on finding these connections with you...

astounding..

It is so refreshing for me to read the words of another and think yes yes yes...I get that...

as opposed to forever feeling misunderstood...having to explain myself again...justify even my words..

I shall  respond in more detail later today...as I need to have a break from here now..

looking forward to reading responses of others also

@utopia 

[Former-Member]

@Owlunar

Let go, & let GOD! <><< 

Meaning is, put GOD first, & to stop doing things in your own strength, to Trust, & have Faith, in the Word of GOD. To pray, believe, & wait, for things to change in your favour, according to the Word of GOD!

Give GOD the problem in prayer, & let HIS Holy Spirit, direct your steps!

Proverbs 3 v 5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart. Lean not upon your own understanding, & in all your ways acknowledge HIM, & The LORD will direct your steps/path!

Amen <><<

Love & Hugs!

Bella xo  🙂  <><<

[Hope4me]

Wow @Owlunar; this page has been a beautiful read. I hope you (and others) don't mind me jumping in as the topic is something that resonates; with most women I think.

Letting go for me took many years of therapy processing multiple traumas. I chipped away at it till eventually the penny dropped. There's a sort of pattern to it if this makes sense. That includes safety and understanding.

They said 'Acceptance' helps, but this was something I failed at because it didn't deal with the pain or help me understand the why's.

There seems to be two trains of thought; one as an adult and one as a child. Trying to understand what I felt as a small child, especially as it was traumatic, was pretty much impossible for the adult in me. So I needed to give 'her' a voice. That's who owns the pain, not the grown up me.

One example...I wrote a letter to my grandmother 30 years after her death as it was still so very painful to even say her name. I started out writing just for the sake of it which was full of "I miss you" and "Wish you were here" stuff, then intuitively it took an emotional turn where I wrote 'without thinking or judgeing my words'.

As I ripped through the pages with the pen, 'it' came out. "I hate you for dying!" I was a teen when she died which left me alone to deal with my lunatic mother. I pushed that guilt and shame of hating my Nan down so deep, it became a 'feeling' instead of intelligable words.

In that moment, with shoddy and torn pages in hand, I finally let go of the pain because I understood it and finally allowed myself to feel angry without guilt or shame. I gave myself (at that age) a voice without judgement.

To this day there's no remnants of pain associated with her name or memory.

Hope x

[BlueBay]

Great post @Owlunar 

but right now i can't give a reply, just reading this is making me cry.  

i don't know how to let go, it hurts, it hurts too painful to even begin

i need time to think about it and hopefully i can write back to you

i'm sorry, i really do want to let go and move forward - but - at the moment it's too hard and painful

i wish i could be stronger and learn to let it all go, learn to try to forgive but i think a big part of me is this 'inner child' that is so broken, so hurt and so abandoned 😞

hi @utopia@Hope4me@Former-Member@Sophia1