14th year house bound

[Jacques]

Hi @PeppiPatty,

i am ok, very cold, but good.  oh sounds like your ex is very thoguhtful and caring, you are so lucky many relationships sour once their is a separation.

Yes their are so many wonderful people on this forum, it gives me a sense of family i have never had, and friends i wish i had.

no i just feel a connection with what you have said on other threads, you sound like a wonderful person, someone i wish i knew in real life.

i am sorry to hear you shake too, it is not pleasent and can cause an annoyance if it goes too long.

Well i hope work is ok for you today.

Take Care

Jacques

[WombatBoots]

G'day @Jacques

Mate, I just want to apologise I havn't commented much at all lately, I've been doing it a bit tough, I've found when my mood drops even by a little, I suffer extreme writing block.

I can be in front of the computer, I know what I want to express, the words are in my head, but something stops them going from mind to fingers to keyboard.

I just want to let you know I have been around reading, and my thoughts are with you at the moment while things are difficult. 

I read all of your comments to others and you are such a caring and thoughtful person, the love you have shown to others in the "family" forum is beautiful. 

I know I wont be alone in saying this .... My hope for you, is that you will be able to see that thoughtful and caring person for yourself. 

One of the most insidious parts of MI is that it attacks the very parts that we need to "recover" ie motivation, self-care, self-love etc etc 

Again, I know I wont be alone in saying this, you're a great bloke Jacques, keep chipping away, even the small bits count, and I know one day you will be able to see for yourself the guy that i see.

always the best 

Wombat/Matt

[CherryBomb]

@Jacques

I'm with @WombatBoots!

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WombatBoots wrote: .... My hope for you, is that you will be able to see that thoughtful and caring person for yourself. 

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[Appleblossom]

@Jacques

I thought you have empathy. I feel my car is often a safe space too, but sometimes its best to stay in.

Panics attacks are feelings just too much of them to handle. I know a girl who runs every morning to regulate feelings and energy and goes bush when she wants to connect with wildlife. She does not believe in medication.  I guess my being is in continual anxiety and panic which I continually "work" with.

I used to get my worse panic attacks in the supermarket.  I figure it goes back to issues of food insecurity for both my maternal and paternal ancestry.   One side ate tulips in the war and I grew up with too many of their horror labour camp stories, not their fault but not really my job as a little girl to carry.

The other side  was just my dad without family as he grew up completely in orphanages and was sexually assaulted in them.  That knowledge wont bring back the three who died too young, but it makes a lot of sense about how the label schizophrenic entered our family. My brother started the process of research, which I continued. It would have made a huge difference to my brother;s sense of his own manhood if he had known more about why dad was labelled.  I have to take consolation that things are coming to light in the hearings of the Royal Commission.  There is usually a reason.

Try and use your analytic side to isolate your own triggers. We know best what helps ourselves.

I dont like fake cheer, but sometimes cheerfulness is genuine .. lap it up when you can.

Take a long term view. You are not that old. there are a lot of late bloomers in life. My mum got her licence at 45 , then went to uni at 55. 

Dont worry about cousins, I have agro pushy "successful" cousins, but living inside their cynical greedy heads cant be that good so I dont feel jealous of them  I dont aspire to their type of success. I prefer to hang out here with you guys.

Having good computer skills means you have a lot going for you even if you dont want to fit in to some corporate environment.

[Jacques]

Hi @WombatBoots & @CherryBomb,

Thank you for seeing what i don't see, it is very warming to know others value me, even though i don't value myself.

@WombatBootsplease never appologize, we all speak when we can, i understand and am sorry for you feeling down, i wish their were something i could do to help, i am hear to listen if you need some help or just to vent 🙂

i know what it is like when you can'tthink of what to say, i force myself to type, sometimes i keep telling myself, "people don't want to hear this", or "you are talking gibberish",  but i try to force myself to write, it is the only social contact i have.

i have more contact with all of you than i have had in the entire 14 years face-to-face with anyone at home.

thank you for the support and encouragement @WombatBoots & @CherryBomb, i am so humbled by your caring nature, you are all so wonderful, you guys are really like family to me, thank you, thank you all so much

Take Care

Jacques

[Jacques]

Hi @Appleblossom

yes, you are right, although i am finding being at home lately so restrictive, repulsive, i want to get out but can't, so frustrating.

i work of a morning to help eleviate some of my anxiety, but i am like you, i a constant state of panic/anxiety.  it is starting to take a toll on my health, mum has to check her blood pressure everyday and i have been checking mine when i am having a panic attack, it can jump from 120/80 to 150/110 and sometimes more.  it is so tiring being like this.  the medication seems to be having less of an effect.

i understand, when my father was little his mother worked in a coal mine in Germany, they ate cabbage and potatoe soup for every meal, and for a treat he used to get a peice of bread with lard and sugar sprinkled on top.  i get my worst panic attacks at the thought of being away from home.

i am so sorry to hear about your familys troubles, it must be and have taken a huge toll on your mental wellbeing.  i understand how hard life can be after being abused,  was physically abused at 9 when i was at a christian primary school, i was locked in a classroom and force fed by a nun.  i am glad their is some comfort for the many hundreds, if not thousands of abuse victems, it may not give them closure, but a sense of a weight being lifted.

oh no i have i have only had critisism from one cousin, the rest i don't think know about my situation,  i have not spoken to them in 14 years, i have only had close contact with the one, that was 2007 so i didn't mean they saw me as a loser, i was just saying i compair myself as a loser to them, they have all done so well for themselves and i am very proud of them.

i know from an age point i am still young, but i know that i will never overcome the seperation anxiety,  i fear the outside world and people.  i don't see that changing any time in the medium future.  i have given up on happyness a long time ago,  i just have to endure life as best i can......

Yes i havve a lot of mums family telling me i am intelligent, computer knowledge, general skills, but my fear of being away from mum overnight in a rural town it is impossible for me to get a job, bacause of where i live i would have ot travel overnight which i cannot do.  i know my skills are wasted, mum and her family i think are so devestated to see the way i live.  but i can't see a way around it.

Take care

Jacques

[Jacques]

Hi @Appleblossom

thank you, you are all so nice, i wish their were people in my town as nice as you.  i will post some more photo's in a minute so you can all have a look.  what a great idea, i will look into it, mum loves clay sculptures, whe has some beautiful ones of old news papaers, they look so realistic.

i don't know if their is something else the doctors can do, i am too frightened to talk to them, i go in get a script renewel and thats it.

I have started something new, i have made some sun lounges out of our old beds which we have recently replaced, i enjoy working with wood, even though i do not know what i am doing

i know society is not perfect, but their is so much pressure from media to be perfect, even some people most people my age do not like poor people like me, some in my town are even frightened of me because they confise my facial expressions of fear as agression.  everyone knows everyone here, but no one knows who i am. 

It is amazing what we remember from our childhoods, of all my child hood i only remember one thing, their is always a trigger that makes you remember it,  for me it is rain, i was 12 and my mother was away, it was pooring down rain and it was my birthday, dad wanted to do something special, so he took me to the Big Pinapple in QLD (we lived their at the time) anyway we could bearly see 10M in front of the car, he persevered and got lost several times, but we eventually made it.  crazy huh, the one childhood memory i remember.  you sound like you had  real connection with him, he sounds like a very caring person, do you have regular contact with him?

Wow you sound like you have bee nthrough an awful lot in your life, it makes me feel embarressed to complain about my situation, you sound like such a strong and intelligent woman,you sound like you have a lot of good philosophies in life to follow, and you are passing it onto your children, i hope they know how wonderful and caring you are.

Well i will post some pics of boats, hope you all like them

Take Care

Jacques

[Jacques]

[Jacques]

[Jacques]