What's the point anymore

[Gremlin24]

What's the point of reaching out for support when noone cares about what you are going through or how you are feeling.

Why bother talking about suicide when they just think it's a joke and that you aren't really going to do anything. Reaching out for help when you are at your lowest point takes so much strength, it takes so much to admit how you are feeling and to accept that you need help.

But what do you do when noone will help, what do you do when you are told to just rest and you'll be OK, to just breathe and you'll be OK, to just think positive and you'll be ok.

No amount of just breathing or rest or positive thoughts are going to magically make everything stop, it's not going to make me suddenly better, it's not going to stop the trauma from happening to me, it's not going to stop the thoughts and what I want to do to myself. 

I'm sick of reaching out for support/help in these moments only for my thoughts and feelings to be dismissed, to be criticised for what I'm going through, to be made to feel guilty for how I'm feeling, to be passed from one service to another with noone able to help. 

I'm exhausted, I'm scared, I'm hurting, I'm at the point of giving up. But it's OK I'm not really going to do anything am I? There just thoughts right and it's not like I'm going to act on them am I?

It really doesn't matter how I feel does it? 

I give up, I quit, I admit defeat. I won't bother these services that are supposed to help anymore. I'll just silently fight my own battles until I can no longer!

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Gremlin24 

I'm really sorry to hear about your experiences reaching out. If it would help to talk about what happened I'm here to listen

And if you feel able to, maybe it would be a good idea to provide feedback to these services to highlight the issues you've experienced.

[Gremlin24]

@Ru-bee i reached out for help to a couple of services last night after waking up having a panic attack and really opened up about how i was feeling, what was going on and the scary thoughts I was having. One of the people I spoke to kept pushing for information on my situation (repeated rape and abuse) even after I asked them to stop as it's distressing to talk about and wasn't the reason for me making contact they still kept going. And I'm not just talking about the basic details, this person wanted to know exactly what was happening down to fine details. They couldn't understand why i was in this situation and kept telling me to just move to another state to escape from it which really isn't an option. I ended up ending the chat and was worse off than when I started. So I reached out to another service which then attempted to do a grounding exercise with me by this point I was incredibly worked up and in such a state of panic that I was almost passing out. Anyway I wasn't able to complete the grounding exercise and the person got frustrated with me and told me that I wasn't trying hard enough and that I'm wasting their time. They told me just to get sleep and things will be better after that and they ended the chat. This was after disclosing that I really felt like acting on my thoughts and how close to the edge of just ending it all i was. It's like I just don't matter to anyone, noone wants me here.

[Ru-bee]

It shows such strength that you reached out twice last night when you were feeling so distressed @Gremlin24 I'm really sorry that they weren't able to give you the support that you needed and maybe even caused you more distress. 

You are important and you are wanted here. Unfortunately its not uncommon for crisis line workers to experience compassion fatigue or burn out. That doesn't mean that they don't want to provide support (they're choosing to do this pretty difficult job after all), but that they might not be able to provide the support as well as they should. They definitely shouldn't be telling you that you're wasting their time, and if you are feeling up to it I would leave feedback for that service. But for me in terms of the second chat you had I'm thinking that this says a lot more about the system, and the limitations of chat-based support, rather than it being anything to do with you being unwanted. I can absolutely understand why it would feel that way, and I'm not trying to invalidate that feeling, just to reframe that thought a little bit. 

How can we support you here today? What do you feel like you're needing right now?

[Gremlin24]

@Ru-bee thanks for this reply. I can't even process it all right now. I'm just not sure what I need anymore. Right now I'm just hurting and there's so much happening inside of my head and body. My head is pounding at the moment and I really feel like crap don't know if I'm coming down sick or if it's just a combination of medications that I've taken. 

[Ru-bee]

That's okay @Gremlin24 you don't need to have answers. I can just sit here with you

Does your medication normally make you feel so unwell?

[Gremlin24]

@Ru-bee thankyou. 

Not usually, I mean one of them does affect me due to taking too much of it several times previously but not like this. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

[Ru-bee]

Ugh frustrating when you're feeling unwell but you're not sure what's causing it @Gremlin24 

Do you have much on for the day, or are you able to take it easy and rest?

[Gremlin24]

@Ru-bee I'm thinking it's the medication cos I don't usually take so much at once. 

I don't have anything on, I'm trying to rest but brain is in overdrive which makes it impossible. 

[Ru-bee]

I hear you @Gremlin24 , it can be so hard to relax when our minds refuse to. Are there maybe a few things you can flick between, like watching something comforting, chatting on here, colouring or doing something with your hands that doesn't take too much concentration?