I don’t know if I am going through a depressive episode or just depression. I do see a psychologist regular basis but she has been on leave and does not get back till the end of the month.
this feeling of anxiety and depression hasn’t left my system and it’s just getting worse every day.Everything just feels like it is such an effort for me to do. I find it hard to have conversations with anyone. I have no motivation or energy to leave my bed brush my teeth eat food change out of my pyjamas. I’m constantly tired or I have low energy or I’m in a low mood.
I feel like I have no purpose. I’ve been forced out of work for the past year due to a on going medical condition. But even if I could work there’s nothing that I am passionate about or want to do. All my friends are starting full time work or they are passionate about things like social work, teaching, ect or they are moving out of home and I’m just here stuck doing nothing wasting away. I don’t see myself in two or five or ten years time doing anything. I still see myself feeling lost unmotivated no job not feeling passion towards anything. Like some people have their relationships work uni whatever I have nothing.
I feel like I can’t talk to anyone I tried talking to one of my close friends but she said something that rubbed me the wrong way that made me feel like I was too much for her. Like I just had too many problems and I should consider doing therapy more than once a week. Or I should speak to someone else. I did try speaking to my mum but ehe just doesn’t understand it. She keeps telling me not to give into the depression and that it’s a situation you can live with and manage which yes I know and I understand. But she’s saying it like tomorrow I’ll wake up go outside feel better and feel motivated to want to live my life.she also thinks I pick and I chose when I want to be depressed like if yesterday I was able to leave the house for a bit and today I can’t get out of bed it’s a choice. Or I’ll explain to her how I can’t just go or a ten minute walk because I have no motivation or it’s too much of an effort to do anything like get out of bed or change out of my pyjamas, she would say I’m out of bed now downstairs talking to her so I can’t use that as an excuse.
I just feel like I’m constantly in a bad mood I have no motivation I’m constantly anxious I just want to cry all of the time or staying bed all day . I just hate where I am in life I hate this feeling I feel like I have no purpose or nothing to look forward to I feel like I just want to die I feel like there’s no purpose in my life and my life wouldn’t be different if I was dead or alive. I’m too much of a coward to ever do anything. But I think about it constantly like how I would do it most of the time I just pray god will take me away because I don’t have the guts to do it.
