Do you want to know something ironic? In the last five years I've commenced self harm and suffered from serve suicidal thoughts and plans. For once though, I am trying hard to move on and implement strategies to improve my mental health. And then recently, I was going to sleep when I realised that one day, I am going to die.
Its ridiculous, of course. We are all going to die one day and I know that. What's ironic is that I am a religious person. What's also ironic is that my Mum passed when I was 10 and I still don't believe in heaven or hell. But can you imagine, one day without warning, I am going to be gone and it could potentially be painful and scary. Or maybe I could be terminally ill now and don't realise. I don't know where I will go next and I guess I am thinking how as a society all just ignore it.
We are going to die one day and we are just going to work fulltime jobs and suffer until we become nothing. You could be working all your adult life (making sure your the epitome of health) and be terminally ill, or develop dementia. I could never see my twin again and we all just walk around with our heads buried in the ground pretending that anything matters in the long run. Anyway, you get the gist.
As you can see I have been plagued with these thoughts. I have been having difficulties sleeping because I am so anxious. Last night I couldn't sleep to 4am and now it's midnight and I want to sleep but I feel so restless and awake, my heart beating. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because the people who I trust are aware that I engaged in SH behaviours and was suicidal recently. What a joke I'd be if I tell them that overnight, I developed an intense fear about dying.
