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[Max01]

Hi I’m typing here for the first time to seek some advice about something that has been bothering me lately. To start of my partner has a very different family dinamic to mine, they don’t often spend nearly as much time together as me and my family do. My family and I have a very close connection and will often go out to spend time together like having dinner together.

Where I’m currently stuck, my partner doesn’t like socialising or spending time with my family which is understandable he’s his own person and that’s completely fine. However we live together and there are days where I want to spend time with my sister yet he doesn’t want to be around for when they are. I’m struggling and feel mentally broken because I feel like I’m being forced to pick between spending time with my partner or family, idk how to go about this because neither option will make me happy as I know someone’s missing out regardless. Please give me any advice, I’d appreciate anyone’s advice or opinion on this situation and how best to handle it. Thank you.

[Max01]

I feel like a failure because I can’t balance everything and I can’t do both to keep everyone happy.

[tyme]

Hey @Max01 ,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing a little about yourself. 

I hear what you are saying and you're not alone.

Have you tried speaking to you partner to see what they hesitancies are around seeing your family?

Maybe it's about balancing both, and setting boundaries about how often you are with either?

[MJG017]

Hi @Max01, welcome to the forum.  I'm the opposite to you... I never do anything with my family and have very little contact but see my partner's family quite a lot.  I don't really enjoy the family gatherings a lot with them, mainly because of my own insecurities but we all get on.  My partner knows I find it a bit stressful but I always tell her than I will always go visit then with her because I don't want her to miss out on time with her family, because I know what it's like to not have close family around to spend time with.

So from my perspective, I don't think it's fair that your are being forced to chose between your family and your partner.  That shouldn't be a choice you have to always make.  It puts you in a lose-lose situation, which isn't fair.

You say he has a similar relationship with his family than I do to mine...  that is not much contact at all.  So maybe talk to him about it and how you feel, if you haven't already.  Maybe the dynamic he has with his family feels 'normal' to him, especially if he grew up like that, and he either thinks it should be normal for you as well, if being around a closer family dynamic is a bit upsetting and/or uncomfortable for him.  By talking to him you may find out why he's so hesitant to spend time with your family.  It may be something you can work on together.  Has there been any issues between your partner and someone in your family that has caused this?

If there is no real reason, and he refuses to spend time with your family, I would suggest not letting that interfere with contact with your own family.  No one should ask that of anyone!  In this case, he has made a choice to not spend time with them, so go by yourself.  I'm not sure the situation is understandable, unless he has a really valid reason.  Most people would spend time with their partner's family I think.  Unless there is some major issue going on.  So i think you're perfectly entitled to feel bothered by this.   Like I said, without a reason, it's just not fair on you at all.

[Max01]

Thank you for the advice, I’ll try setting some boundaries. ’ve tried speaking to him before about it however he’s stated the reasons because he’s just not interested in the same things/ it’s boring.

[Max01]

He hasn’t ever had any issues with anyone from my family

[Shaz51]

Hello @Max01 

does your family live close so you can go and visit them yourself for a few hours 

would your partner object to you doing that ?

My husband is very similar and does not like interacting with my side of the family and some of his own family  

[Max01]

My family lives close so it’s no problem to pop around but I also feel like it upsets him if I’m gone chatting with them for a few hours.

[Shaz51]

same here @Max01 

so i ask my husband and he said he does not mind me visiting for a little while , so i only spend a little bit of time 

otherwise I keep in touch my ringing and texting my family x

[Max01]

Thanks for the advice I might sit down and have a conversation about it. Thank you