How can I be more confident?

[AlwaysMyself]

Im within 5 years of your age, if that helps at all. Not sure if that counts as "your age" or not to you. I know a few young women in their mid-20's and I dont think any of them are fussed about height - but I haven't had specific conversations about it either. I think mostly women are more worried about their own perceived flaws in their own bodies (too fat? Too thin? Big enough? Too big? Too curvey? No curves at all?) than their partners.

Would you like to talk to your partner about it?

(If you didnt feel worried/scared to)

I wonder whether commenting to her about how her personality/values/etc and the importance they play to you (whilst acknowledging that her good looks are a sweet cherry on top bonus?) Might open the door to an open but positive conversation about whether she also feels the same way about you and your body?

I like your view on not using platforms yourself - that you want to be true to yourself and not present a fake version. 🙂 i think that is really mature and healthy.

And i agree that social media influencers do it for $$. Ad revenue on (for example) youtube can be one way money is made. Im not up to date with the current social media marketing income models to know for influencers who dont have ads or merchandise, but there will be something. Some write books or offer courses or online paid memberships.

[Sevismo]

@AlwaysMyselfI think your idea on how I should go about talking to my partner is very good.

I thought about it for a while and lot of my worry about height stems from a fear of not having something that my partner finds really attractive (i.e. not just slightly more attractive, but significantly more).

I always assumed that women were into guys who were just taller than them, not necessarily someone who is tall. I would think there logically should be a point that is too tall relative to the woman's height, and anything more is unattractive. In that case I would be around a good height for my partner. 

From all of my past experiences however, I have heard that height is maybe not the only factor, but is an extremely attractive one. More so than any other male physical feature. That isn't good for me because it means I lack the most important physical feature for men. My experience is I guess somewhat limited, but it is all I have at the moment.

I would definitely consider you as around my age. I just wanted to clarify, when you said that the women my age you know aren't "fussed" about height, does that mean they prefer tall guys but are willing to "settle for" a short guy because there aren't enough tall guys to go around? Or do they genuinely not care about height (as in they wouldn't be more attracted to me if I was 6'5 as opposed to 5'6) assuming that 5'6 is already taller the the women are?

I always assumed the latter case is extremely unlikely (maybe 1 in every 1000+ women), but do you have a different view? 

[AlwaysMyself]

@Sevismo I dont think many females really do care about height. Generally speaking, they say women are much less visual (and more connection focused) than males when it comes to romantic attraction

However in reality it doesnt matter what any other female other than her thinks at the moment, does it? If she is happy with you not being 6'+, are you OK with it within yourself? 

Has there been past relationships where you feel they just "settled" for you? Or felt that your height was unattractive? 

I wondering whether some of the anxiety around it could be stemming from past hurt and experiences, or whether its solely from what you have read/heard from others?

Unfortunately the only way you can know for sure is to ask her. 

Given how anxious you feel about not knowing, and not wanting to be "settled for" if she is not attracted, *is it* worse to not ask than to ask (even if she said that she wasnt attracted)? Would it be better to know and not be in limbo, i wonder?

It sounds like a bit of a rock and a hard place - the be anxious not knowing, or to risk the possibility you may not like the answer. 

Im very much a "rip the bandaid off" person when it comes to me, so I do tend to ask a person - even if i do it in indirect ways sometimes. However I know and respect that this is not everyone's preference, and that's ok too.

If you dont want to ask her - is there a way you can be at peace within yourself and trust that she would mention it if it was an issue for her?

Is it OK if she doesn't find every part of you "perfect", but still loves you very much and wants to be with you?

[Sevismo]

@AlwaysMyselfI guess the reason why I wanted to know about what women in general think is so I can be more confident that not caring about height is a real thing.

All of my insecurities about my height have got to do with what I have read/heard from others. No one has commented on my height much in real life.

I think my height itself is pretty good in most situations, other than dating. The reason why it is so hard for me to accept that women don't care about height is because that just goes against everything I have heard.

I have never tried online dating, but for example, statistically short guys get 5 times less matches than 6ft+ guys.

One of my friends years ago was very insecure that he is 5'11 (180cm) instead of 6ft (182cm). He was worried he will get rejected by girls because he is 2.5cm below 6ft. I still tried my best to help him with his insecurity and stuff, but a few months later he grew to 185cm, so he was no longer insecure. I am 5'6 (168cm) for reference and have been since I was 12 I think.

I'm sorry to be so stubborn, but my height is only a problem because so many people have made it one for such a long time. I don't want to disagree with you, but I can't believe what you are saying when I personally have never met a woman in real life who wasn't vocal about how they "drool" over tall guys (yes that really happened).

I am fine if she doesn't find every part of me perfect. It's just that (again from what I have heard) a man's physical attractiveness is 90% height. It's not really just a small and trivial imperfection at that point and is much more, so that is why I worry about it.

If you are right that most women don't care about height, then that gets rid so many of my worries. It's just difficult for me to accept that most women don't care. I realise lot of people who I talk to about this sugarcoat the truth to make me feel better.

Anyways, you make a really good point as to why I should ask her, and after reading your post, I did. She said that because I am taller than her, it is fine. Maybe I screwed up because I asked her "would I be better if I was taller?". She said she never imagined herself dating someone who is short, but that I make a "really good partner" and "tick all other boxes so height doesn't matter". I really don't know how to take that. My gut feeling is not comfortable at all with that. It's not as sharp as saying "I wish you were taller" and not as ideal as her saying she *just* doesn't/never cared about height.

I cannot really relate at all because I don't think it is difficult to accept and celebrate your partner as they are. I guess most aren't like me though.

[Sevismo]

To be honest @AlwaysMyself, the anxiety that I had was just replaced by a different kind of worry unfortunately. It wasn't the kind of positive reply I was hoping for.

I am sort of on the taller end of short I guess, relative to the Australian average, or just in the west in general.

I wasn't born in Australia though and I am from an Asian background. I am average height over there, but since I live in Australia, I definitely get compared to the Australian average.

If I were to unpack what she said, I think she was definitely talking about how she has always expected to be with someone conventionally tall (183cm+). Thats not a bad in itself, just as long as she is not significantly more attracted to tall guys.

She followed that up with "you tick all other boxes, so height is a nonissue". The word that really stuck was the word "other". That, and what she said before, really implies that "tall" is a part of her imaginary checklist for a partner (i.e. she prefers tall guys). That kind of brings me to the exact position I feared for all this time, which is being settled for.

Im not really myself after hearing that to say the least. It's almost like a switch flipped in my head. It may sound strange, but I have lost most of my interest in her and our relationship.

By the way, this is not your fault or anything (if you thought that). You were just trying to help and you could not have known what was going to happen.

A lot of people can't really relate to or understand what I mean or why I worry about being settled for. It's very much the same as a man telling a woman "you aren't pretty, but you will make a great wife" or "I would love a younger woman, yet I choose you because you know me like no one else". It's all about them, never about you. It's really just a very backhanded compliment and makes you feel like an appliance instead of a person.

[AlwaysMyself]

I hear you @Sevismo , I can understand how it feels like a backhand or being settled for. I do wonder though if there could be a difference between "the dream" (ticking ALL the boxes) and "realistic" (ticking the important/key boxes) for a person? 

Emotional reactions can be strong when we are still close to the event and not yet processed it. I wonder if you feeling about the relationship may continue to change or settle over the coming week. 

If you dont feel the love of the relationship any more, do you feel that is something you can talk to her about and try to explain why not meeting all her ideals (in this case height) is a big concern/impact for you? 

I wonder if as she gets older whether her perspective of what "boxes" are on her list will change? Different life phases people often have different priorities.

[Sevismo]

I think you are right about the fact that I should talk to her more about this and how her priorities may change @AlwaysMyself.

For me, the whole concept of "dream" partner and "realistic" partner are the same really. I try to be realistic as to what I would expect from a "dream" partner because I understand that no one can be perfect.

I think I should note it is very hard for me to understand and accept different ways of thinking, largely due to autism. I don't understand why my girlfriend would have a "dream" partner who is impossible to attain, so I cannot accept that as a valid way of thinking and just ignore it.

I think this is a personal question, so you certainly don't have to answer this if you don't want to. My question is, would you personally be ok with your partner telling you that you aren't their "dream" partner?

I just really need other perspectives on this, but again, it is completely optional to answer.

[AlwaysMyself]

Many people have difficulty understanding or imagining how others think differently, you're not alone @Sevismo . 🙂 and from what ive heard, yes sometimes autism can also make that a lot harder for people (but sometimes because people may have to learn it for life or coping skills, sometimes those people end up being the most considerate people ive met too! 😊)

I dont mind you asking at all. 😊 its a good and fair question. 😊

I dont think I am my partners "dream" person, but I know he loves me and wants/chooses to be with me. Im sure he wishes I was more physically able to do things (I have chronic fatigue), and im sure he wishes I had more awareness/ability to modify my vocal tone when im tired or stressed (I can sound a bit flat and pointed at times without meaning to). Im sure he also wishes I didnt want/need to be so organised (he has adhd, so he doesnt plan ahead well).

I'm sure he never imagined being with a person who has arthritis pain since 21 either lol. I'd be a little more concerned if he did 😅.

But he has decided that im still the person he wants to be with.

[Sevismo]

Would you say the same applies to more physical appearance attributes @AlwaysMyself?

As in, when I go into a relationship, I sort of go in with the expectation that the other person might have mental or physical health problems because that is part of life I guess. Of course there are some things that completely clash with my boundaries and what I really need, so there will be an incompatibility there (signals the end of that relationship). Other than that. I won’t really consider the other person’s health issues as something to get hung up on or to make me lose attraction for them.

Again I really don’t know if this is an appropriate question to ask, so I apologise if this makes you uncomfortable, and as always, totally optional. My question is: If your partner hypothetically (moderately to strongly) preferred a certain physical trait that you don’t have, would you still be happy in that relationship and why?

I would love to hear your take on this because this is sort of what I am trying to work out myself.

[AlwaysMyself]

From a physical appearance side, I think im still OK with that because I dont personally value physical appearance much, and I know that whilst he may be attracted to my physically he is also attracted to my personality. 

For example, I am quite overweight, or shall I say "curvy". I know he prefers "curvy" to thin, as he has mentioned it in the past in passing. However I also know that I need to lose weight/size for my health (for multiple medical conditions) and I'm not worried that he will find me less attractive if/when I'm able to lose weight. I dont think he notices when I fluctuate in weight [edited by moderator]; and ideally I need to lose weight from my higher-fluctuation weight [edited by moderator]. But he is also supportive in theory of my need to lose weight for my health, and its never crossed my mind to be worried that he might find me less attractive because of less curves.

I think for me knowing he is attracted to my personality is much more important to me. 🤔

And i dont have a pre-disposition to anxiety either, so i'm sure that helps in my favour too.

Im open to talking about it @Sevismo 🙂 and if you ask something im not comfortable with i will be able to say so without upset or anger or judgement. You are safe to ask.