Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

Uneasy truce atm @Former-Member 

I am concerned at the moment. Trying not to overreact but it is hard.

Mix of emotions

Angry, resentful, depressed. And I just don't know. Exhausted. 

There have even been moments where I juat don't care any more. Over being the whipping post.

I am far from a perfect husband but everything I do revolve around my family. Tired of meeting unobtainable expectations. ☹🥺

[Determined]

[Determined]

Things r looking up tonight for however long that lasts. 🙏

Trying to be positive about it all.

Mentioned the possibility of taking the children out to on the boat tomorrow night to watch fireworks and darling has indicated she would like to join us. 

So watching the weather for wind and tides now in anticipation  😊

[FindingStrength]

Hello @Determined & everyone else following this blog. I'm very new to this whole thing, never participated in any online forum before at all, (praying that I don't say anything inappropriate)... My youngest daughter, 18, has BPD & a few other accompanying goodies, so I've been looking around a little for things that catch my eye, with regards to taking care of myself & also supporting my daughter's health/respecting her as the beautiful human being that she is. That said, sometimes I also feel like the pidgeon in your recent post. 

I haven't read all of the 167 pages here, but what I'd like to say is that I felt encouraged by you calling your darling just that, darling & highlighting for me that its the illness & not the person. That your list of boundaries seemed reasonable to me & is something that I'm struggling with (my daughter self medicates & sometimes pressures me for money, which is a minefield). Are some of these boundaries helping over time? 

I have lots of questions, but am waiting to see someone at Helping Minds and am enrolled in a BPD course in Feb, so hopefully these will be sorted soon. 

I really really hope you have some smiling moments today/tonight & I'm happy to have found somewhere I can feel heard & related to. (Imagining how difficult that is for my beloved daughter...) 

Thanks for reading this & may 2020 bring even little moments of liberation & joy for all. 

[Shaz51]

hello @FindingStrength  and welcome to the forum my friend

remember you are not alone

keep sharing  my friend

@Determined, @Former-Member , @Smc , @Hopefulhusband1 , @greenpea 

[Determined]

Hi @FindingStrength  and happy.new year.

Trust 2020 brings you and your family some joy. 

Yes separating the illness from the person we love is sometimes the only thing that gives me strength. Sometimes I think that is taken advantage of but prefer to give the benefit and try my best to respond with love. I don't always succeed but I try.

Boundaries are something that I was persuaded to try by a councillor during a time of crisis when my darling was in hospital under supervision due to risk of self harm (permanent type). 

The boundaries I have shared are specific to our areas of risk and our challenges so will likely vary for everyone. I explained them in More detail in a previous thread. Will see if I can find it and add a link.

The biggest gaol particually for someone with BPD, as explained to me by my councillor, is to create consistency in response and therefore a sense of security. 

The biggest thing it has done for us is to reduce some areas of risk. Darling is still verbally abusive to me, still smashes stuff despite me not responding but there has been no self harm in almost 2 years .(last episode wad an attempt) . Because I have made it very clear that any such behaviour will result in a visit to ed and I will not be sitting with her as I have in the past I will be at home supporting our children. 

There has only been one drive off in the car while in a rage since boundaries introduced because that will result inna call.to police. The one drive off I didn't call police because she calmed herself before leaving and drove away sensibly. Before that she used to sit and spin the wheels for added effect as she left. And disappear for hours. 

Last time I have her a time limitnofn2 hours of non contact and she spoke to her dad in that time so I knew she was safe. 

Sorry about the long winded reply.

Short answer is it doesn't fix anything but it does make things safer.

And for me I don't have to worry if I am.doing the right response because I have already advised what the response will be during a time of calm .

[Former-Member]

How did new years eve go @Determined ?

[Determined]

It went really well @Former-Member 

Was ra8ning when we left home but blue sky when we got to our destination.

Everyone had a lovely evening.

I have never been so close to fireworks before. 

I was hoping it may be a little isolated where we were but it was packed with boats. (I thought the fireworks were 3 km or more further down the beach but we were right under them). 

[FindingStrength]

Thanks so much. I will talk with my counsellor about boundaries, as my beloved girl makes self violent threats & attempts at times. This causes much distress amongst her friends & in turn they tend to need to distance themselves to recover - which you can imagine sparks off the abandonment cycle.... What you have said about consistency giving security feels true & I've certainly found that the more I can be a stable person who gives constant love has helped, so far. I feel I'm learning A LOT about what love really is through this shared experience & am humbled by the gift that that brings......
Your reply has given me some ease & ideas, so thank you very much. Glad you had a pleasant NYE with your family. Gotta love those moments! 

[Determined]

@FindingStrength 

The learning curve for me was in staying firm on the boundaries. And learning that making allowances for 'bad behaviour' (I hate callong it that) was making things worse not better. I always thought that managing our environment and avoiding conflict would ease distress but the reality is that consistent firm responses creates security. (Darling would not see it that way). This is how it was explained to me by my councillor. It has also reduces anxiety for me about am I doing the right thing as the outcomes have already been explained and the reasons why. That it is out if love and to keep our family safe.