Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[mambofish]

Hi folks, jumping in on this thread as it is close to what I am experiencing. I have taken on the "parent" role for my sister for the past year. Our parents are mostly out of the picture (our father abused us as kids, and her mother is living in another state with another family and is only really there to buy her unsuitable clothes from time to time). So, I feel like the parent most of the time. 

I've had to make the tough decision to not have my sister come back and live with me when she is released from hospital. Any tips from you guys on how to manage letting them be an adult, with also feeling like you need to do everything for them? I'm trying to not feel guilty about not taking her back, but I feel she needs this opportunity to stand on her own feet. I feel like it is the right decision, but still conflicted!

Thanks all, and love and support to all of you 🙂 

[MumOfAnAnorexic]

Hi @mambofish,

I'm sorry to hear that your parents aren't very helpful.

That sounds like a very difficult decision but if you feel like your sister is ready to live on her own you should try to trust your judgement. I think it's important that she knows that you're still there for her if she needs it though. If you're both adults maybe try to be more of a friend than a parent, maybe go and visit her sometimes and offer to do things together that you'd both enjoy.

Social activities during the day might also be a good option, then she can be with other people and be distracted from her problems during the day but still have her time at home where she's independent.

That's probably all the advice I can give you for now. I don't know how severe your sister is so I know it's very general advice but I hope it helps slightly.

You know your sister better than anyone so try to trust your judgement, whatever you decide to do. I hope things go well for you. 

[TuiGlen]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope ,

It’s been a few weeks since writing,

Thanks for those suggestions. Being their for her with love and support, has moved our daughter to regain a good measure of confidence in herself.

Encouraged to hear she has spent time with friends, not something she has done for a very long time. Loving huddy reminds her of course he feels this is time she should be “cleaning house” not rewarding herself after four full days with 6:30 starts and looking after two school boys. Finding her voice and noting her resisting his demeaning words has seen some very encouraging changes in the family dynamic. I’m looking forward to our next coffee together.

Thanyou again.😃

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @TuiGlen  👋 

Good to see you, and good to hear there has been some gentle change.  I find that moving forward in increments really helps, because it is a gentle forward motion that is easier to keep stable and not trigger big reactions .... mostly.

I dropped a “support” here yesterday cos I was too tired to respond properly, but wanted you to know I heard you.

[TuiGlen]

Hello  @Faith-and-Hope 

A relapse.

Our daughter “just wanted to get drunk and fade away”. After days of stress over money concerns and hubby’ lack of work.

And true to form he exploded, adding to the whole awful scene.

Its just to hard sometimes.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh @TuiGlen  I am so sorry to hear that 😔

It is really hard to break vicious cycles, but try and try again we must .... is it a situation she should be leaving ?  Sometimes that is what it takes to affect change and bring people to counselling, but the most important thing in abuse situations is personal safety.

[Former-Member]

@Franny1 

Here is a thread where others care for their adult children.

[Ali11]

Welcome @Franny1 

[M221067]

Hello everyone. I’m new here and struggling. My adult daughter tried to end her life at the weekend. She has now moved home to mine as she lived in the city alone. She had her first psych appt today and they think she may have BPD, or at least traits of it. 

The family is devastated, she will get lots of support but ultimately it’s going to fall on my shoulders. I was just beginning to enjoy my life again after 30 years as a single mum and now I darent even go to the gym leaving her alone. Work have been great but I have to go back next week. I have such a huge range of emotions rushing around my head, including anger - which I then feel guilty for. 

Not sure what life has in store for either of us anymore and it’s a very scary concept 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Former-Member]

@M221067  I see you have already found this thread. 

@FairerDingo  @Stefee  this is the discussion I mentioned in relation to connecting to others who are supporting their adult children.