Setting boundaries for 34-year-old male sociopath

[Lotty]

Hi, am looking for any help in setting boundaries for my 34-year-old son. Has been living with me (mother) for 5 years now. Unemployed, drinks, gambles, stays out all night at times & I sometimes think he is dead in the gutter somewhere.

I feel as though I am enabling him to continue living as he is. He doesn't work due to social problems, has his own room, Foxtel, Internet, air-con, food, but does pay small amount of rent each week. I am wanting him to move out as I am exhausted with his behaviour & lack of empathy. Any suggestions?

[Bunniekins]

@Lotty  Hi Lotty and welcome to the forums :). Yes it sounds as though he has been on a good wicket with you for a long time. Is there anyway you can make life a bit more uncomfortable for him. Up the rent, helping around the house .... any kind of contribution to help you in your day to day activities. Being a sociopath I know will make it hard. What is he like with you? Do you feel safe enough to make these changes with him? I suppose what I am asking is will he get angry and will it be directed at you? If so you must have a plan to deal with the fall out that will occur.  Time for your son to grow up just do it gently, gently. greenpeax

[Lotty]

Hi, thanks 4 the welcome & your message. He is on a Centrelink payment, & gives me $150 a week rent. He is not really open 2 doing things around the house. Everything is 2 hard & he has no patience 2 help in most chores. He will wipe up a few things every now & again, but only when he wants 2.
I feel safe when I don't confront him with things mostly. I usually back off when I do confront him as he gets irritated very quickly when u approach him about certain issues that he doesn't want 2 think or talk about. He has never hit me as he knows I would not tolerate it. I really would prefer he was out of the house now though, but his preference is 2 live in a granny flat so he doesn't have 2 deal with others but he is finding out the rent is more expensive than he thought. I want him 2 rent a room in a shared household but says he doesn't want 2 live with others. He has a comeback for everything.

[Bunniekins]

@Lotty  Hi Lotty that makes it very hard for you. I hear you. Can you do a granny flat for him out the back and take his moving out of home in stages? However it is done it has to be successful so that he doesnt come screaming back because that would make it even harder to get him out next time. Also you want the whole experience to be a positive one for him. So yes I am thinking a gradual move to independence would work for him maybe .... would that suit your circumstance?

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Lotty 

I had distant rellies with that name!

Hearing you about it being time he contributed more and became independent.  The tricky thing being mother is not pushing too hard but hard enough to get some decent response.  When I began to make my move I chose one boundary that made a difference to my son ... with all the tooing and froing and issues etc ... I would never have managed to be consistent with more .... but it began the shift in outlook for him ... for good ... financial realities are a good way for them to learn about gambling and bad spending habits ... but we want to keep them alive ... and more ... we went them to thrive ... people can turn around ... but usually its best when they see the reason to turn around ... he is old enough and can weather a little toughness ... he might mature and see the error of his ways ... but I wonder at him being a sociopath ... it is a harsh word ... anger can come from different things.

Sorry I dont have a clear suggestion. Best of luck.